Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 2:  OJ

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today is the second instalment of the sex love series.  I have invited OJ Oanedo OJ is a YouTuber who makes videos about all things love and lust.  On the channel you will find advice, vlogs, personal ramblings and reviews, all within the realms of sex and sexuality.

I asked OJ to tell me about her background and culture.  She told me that she is young black woman and her parents were born in Nigeria and she is Igbo.  She is first generation British.

OJ spoke about first becoming aware of her own sexuality when she was 5 or 6 years old and she shared a kiss with a girl in the toilet at school.  She spoke of not really focusing on gender at that time and she said that this experience shaped her experiences and that since then she considers herself bisexual.

OJ said that in her school years she didn’t date and didn’t consider herself attractive – the type guys would go for.  She had her first boyfriend at 16 which she felt was an arrangement because in her culture you didn’t lose your virginity outside of an relationship so you had a very short relationship in which you lost virginity.

She went on to talk about her best friend teaching her how to masturbate when she was 13 or 14.  She said they were lying on her bed and talking about boys and sex and her friend asked ‘Have you tried this before?’ and then proceeded to teach her how to masturbate.  She refers to this as a very empowering experience and we went on to talk about how this gave her the tools to own her desire and that she began exploring to find out what really turns her on.   She said that because of this she is very able and willing to explore her sexuality.   We spoke further about how powerful it is to be able to masturbate, bring yourself to orgasm without needing another person to guide, or lead.  She spoke about having been lucky that she didn’t have much shame around any of this.

She spoke about not conflating sex and love and that if you are able to give yourself orgasms you don’t load sex with so much feeling because you can do it yourself.  She says so she doesn’t get attached through sex though she really enjoys sex with someone she loves.

We spoke a bit about what virginity might mean as OJ asked the question if you are in a same sex relationship is there even a concept of virginity.  She spoke about in Nigerian culture they still talk about various things impacting the bride price even in a joking way and she said that at Igbo weddings you still carry a dowry.  She went on to talk about the strictures of culture and the impact of it on your sexuality and how it would be harder choice to have a long term primary relationship with a woman.

She spoke about her concerns about making her children’s lives harder by adding other things into their background that will make them different.  I asked what happens to her if she doesn’t pursue her identity, living her sexual identity and she replied ‘I end up living a half-life’.  We spoke about how this would impact children as well.

She went on to speak about how she and her boyfriend are exploring polyamory.  She said they are looking to add a woman to their relationship.  She described looking for a long-term relationship but not to come live with them.  She spoke about the two of them learning themselves so that they are able to negotiate polyamory in a healthy way.

We ended up talking about how annoying the perception of bisexual women as being a fetish and not seeing that they have the capacity to love a woman as well as loving a man and that the relationships with other women are real relationships with depth.

We ended with OJ talking about how she is feeling now.  She says she hasn’t been this happy before in her life and she feels she has found her calling.  She expressed gratitude to her mother, boyfriend and her friends for being supportive on this journey.   She says that now is about getting to know herself more and that this is really a journey that never ends.

Today we spoke about masturbation, bisexuality, virginity, Igbo culture and the impact on relationships, and non-monogamy.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.

Igbo culture

Bisexuality

Bisexuality

Polyamory

Polymonogamy

To find OJ:

YouTube: https://youtube.com/channel/UCVsatUF1h9oaZ37QVQzS3fw (OJ Onaedo)

Instagram: https://instagram.com/ojonaedo (@ojonaedo)

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ojonaedo (@ojonaedo)

Facebook: https://facebook.com/ojonaedo

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

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