‘But His Penis Doesn’t Vibrate!’ An Introduction to Sex Toys

sex toys dr lori beth

20 years ago, Sandra came to see me because she had never had an orgasm and she was sure that she was going to lose her marriage as a result.    She was 35 years old and had been married for 10 years.  She described her marriage as happy but told me that recently her husband had been unhappy with their sexual life because she was unable to have an orgasm.

I ask Sandra whether she had been able to have an orgasm during masturbation.  She was embarrassed as she admitted that she found masturbation incredibly difficult so she did not persist.   We spent some time talking about the things she found difficult about masturbation and after a while she was willing to try again.

After a couple of weeks, Sandra told me she was enjoying having a better time and feeling more but that she still was unable to have an orgasm.  I suggested she might try using a vibrator.  Sandra responded ‘But his penis doesn’t vibrate!’.   I explained that sex toys were not necessarily made to mimic our actual sexual parts but rather were created to help with particular sexual activities in mind often.   I explained that the vibration can intensify the sensations making orgasm easier depending upon where you use the vibrator.

Sandra asked me to help her choose a vibrator.  She told me the first time she saw a vibrator it was very large and she felt frightened.   I suggested that it would be better to go on a trip to a shop so that she could actually touch the vibrators and see the real size.  Though she was really embarrassed, she agreed.    We went to a shop that is primarily run by women.   ‘Sandra’ I said, ‘there are lots of different types of sex toys.   It would be great if we could have a look at a few different types while we are here.’  She agreed and started down the first aisle where the vibrators were.  We started by looking at the vibrators that are insertables.  Sandra was amazed at how many sizes, shapes and materials these come in.   She found one from Lelo that she enjoyed the feel of in her hand and said, ‘It isn’t so big that it is scary’.

Then we went to look at some of the new items – the Womanizer which uses air and suction and Fiera for women which primarily uses suction.  She found these unusual but could see why a women would try them.  She tested them on her arm and found the Womanizer to be the most interesting.

Next we entered the aisle where the dildos were and she found some of these quite shocking.  Sandra preferred the ones that did not look like penises.  Sandra asked, ‘Why would you use a dildo instead of a vibrator?’  I replied ‘If you are using it alone, you might prefer the texture and the fullness.  You would use a dildo when you wanted the feeling of a penis fucking you because most vibrators are not as naturalistic.’    Sandra decided that she liked the vibrator and did not get a dildo.

We tested clitoral vibrators.    ‘One of the nice things about some of these like the We-Vibe 4 or the Eva or the Je Joue Mio is that you can use them with your partner while you are having sex.  So you get additional clitoral stimulation and because they are between you, he gets stimulation too.  The Je Joue Mio is a cock ring with a clitoral vibratory protruding and cock rings can help a man keep his erection for a longer period.’   Sandra replied ‘I’m not sure that Warren would be happy with me using a vibrator while we were having sex.  I think he would feel that I was saying he wasn’t good enough’.    I said ‘Since Warren has been upset because you are not reaching orgasm with what he is doing now, he probably already feels he isn’t good enough.  If a vibrator can make the difference and help you have an orgasm, he may welcome you using one.  Are you going to share your purchases with him?’  Sandra replied ‘Not right away.  I am worried that he will treat me like a science experiment.  Watching closely to see what might work, spending hours trying to get me to have an orgasm.  I don’t want the pressure’.     I said ‘Pressure definitely won’t help.  The more pressure, the more elusive the orgasm will become.  This is about relaxing and enjoying.    You can tell Warren that you want to practice on your own for a while.’

One wall in the store is filled with floggers, canes, riding crops, chains, restraints and hand cuffs – all the toys to engage in BDSM from a light flirtation to hard core sadism and masochism.  Sandra asked ‘Are these the 50 shades toys?’  I replied ‘Those are toys used when engaging in BDSM play.  Is something grabbing your attention?’  Sandra shivered and replied ‘No.  They look scary.’   I said ‘Let’s skip most of that section then.  But here is one thing I want to show you.’  I took Sandra over to where the sensation toys – feathers, floggers made of fur that are designed to stroke someone with rather than to strike them with, Wartenberg wheel, clawed gloves.  ‘Sensation play’ I explained ‘allows you to experience different textures, different types of sensations on different parts of your body.  Sensation play can be very exciting.  You can build up arousal slowly and this can make orgasm easier.’   Sandra stroked her arm with the clawed glove.  ‘Oooh.  That feels so delicious.  I know it could hurt a bit, but this is divine.’  She put the glove in her basket along with the vibrators.

Sandra paid for her purchases and we left the store.  We made an appointment for the following week and went our separate ways.  The next week, Sandra came in with a smile on her face.  ‘I haven’t had an orgasm yet, but I had so much fun with the vibrators’ she exclaimed.  ‘I got really close to orgasm and then I got stuck in my head and just couldn’t let go.’   We talked about this for a while and Sandra admitted how frightening she found letting go over control and said she knew that she couldn’t have an orgasm without surrendering.  The rest of the session was spent exploring these issues.

Sandra came to see me for another 6 months while we worked on the things that made surrender difficult, learning her most intense desires – the ones that get her close to orgasm before she even touches herself or anyone touches her – and then working on how she could talk with Warren about what she needs.  She started having regular orgasms from month 3.    Sandra came back in with Warren, 2 months after she finished her work with me to work on communicating desires with each other and helping Warren learn what she needs to reach orgasm so he could bring her to orgasm.

Only 28% of women reach orgasm through penetration and 30% of women have trouble reaching orgasm all together.  If you are finding it difficult or want to improve your sexual life in other ways, book a 30 minute free strategy session here.

0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *