Q&A podcasts – often by request

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Mama Viola Johnson

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 Politics trigger warning:  In this episode, we talk about politics – a lot.

I had the privilege of interviewing Mama Vi Johnson when I was at Master slave Conference in August 2018.  Viola Johnson is a leather woman, vampire and author who has been active in the leather BDSM scene for over three decades. A mentor and confidante to many in the fetish world, she has a special fondness for the ‘boys’ of our community, and those who choose to serve as slaves and sub missives. Viola is the wife of Jill Carter, International Ms Leather 1996.

Viola Johnson had the distinction of winning the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from Pantheon of Leather and The National Leather Association, making her the only person to receive both awards in the same year.

In August of 2007 she was honored with the first Lifetime Achievement Award given by Black Beat. Viola Johnson is also the recipient of the Pantheon of Leather “Woman of the Year” award, The Jack Stice Award and the Slave Heart Award.

In January 2012, Viola Johnson received within 8 days of the Master Steve’s Golden Paintbrush Awards at Southwest Leather Conference in Arizona and the Leather Leadership Award at the Creating Change Conference in Baltimore sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Task Force.

Viola Johnson is the author of two books, Dhampir and To Love, To Obey, To Serve. Currently, she is working on her third book, a follow up To Love, To Obey, To Serve

Mama Vi and her wife Jill Carter started and host the Carter Johnson Leather library.  It has a home in Indiana and a variety of outposts.  Sections of the library are taken to many events so that the public can learn from the original source material about our leather and sexual history.

This is part 3 of my interview.

Part 2 podcast can be found on the A to Z of Sex ™ where ever you get your podcasts or on my websites (links on the notes).  Part 1 can be found on sex spoken here podcast and Youtube.

We started by talking about how the political situation has moved to where we are now.

Mama Vi points out ‘Evil manifests where good loves to hide’.  We talk about being at an event where people come to learn and that over the years they have learned to feel safe and take the safety back into the world because they have pride in who they are.  We have to stand up and be counted, be seen, do what is necessary and speak out to protect our communities, our lives, our history as if we don’t do this we won’t have a future.

We spoke about whether people can follow through.

Mama Viola Johnson said she looks at the little triumphs – like someone grabbing a transgender boy and saying, come on, I’ll take you into the bathroom. … It’s easy to give a dime to a beggar – far more difficult to help them take the steps that will help them get themselves together.’   We spoke about the fact that the more of us who are speaking our truth, the harder it is to erase us.

Viola Johnson went on to talk about Texas Bill Number 6 – which was the right to nullify any agreement between legal strangers.

This has impact because if you are not married, you are a legal stranger.  We moved on to how inaction/laziness/arrogance by not voting led to Brexit.   We finished with concerns about the future of democracy in America because of the lack of trust in the system of elections.  And this brought us full circle – with Maryland wanting to go back to paper ballot so that there is a back up check. The original source material being so important.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page.  Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.  I look forward to seeing you next week.

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Reboot: Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender Part 3

Please enjoy again:

Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 3

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.  Today I am continuing my series about gender.

Joining me today to continue the discussion is Dr Meg-John Barker.

They are a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, and has over a decade of experience researching and publishing on these topics including the popular books Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love and Queer: A Graphic History.

We started by talking about language and definitions around gender.

Meg-John highlighted that non-binary is the overarching term used now for anyone who doesn’t identify as male or female.  We spoke about how many other terms there are that fall under non-binary including but not limited to: gender queer, gender fluid, demi (boy, girl), trans.  We spoke about how hard it is for people to understand the gender journey and how important it is for everyone to look at this journey as even folks who are happy with the gender assigned at birth go through gender changes throughout the life span.  Meg-John used the example of a woman going on the pill which is taking hormones and a woman who has had breast cancer and her breasts removed as a result having to look at how she expresses her female gender.  They also mentioned men who have larger boobs and choose to do breast reduction or men who take steroids to do body building.

Gender does not stay static through the life span.

We spoke about how hard people find ambivalence and uncertainty and how badly people want to categorise and box people, places and things.  We talked about how much pressure there can be for trans people to make the decision to transition and then do it quickly and that this is unhelpful.  We both feel this comes from the difficulty people have with uncertainty and ambivalence in part.

We talked about how gender is not just socially influenced but that it is biologically influenced as well and that sex is not just biological but can and is socially influenced.

We spoke about Meg-John’s new which is about how to figure out issues around your gender.  We noted that having a gender identification outside of male or female seems to upset people more than issues around sexuality, kink and polyamory versus monogamy.

You can find Dr Meg-John Barker at:

Website: http://www.rewriting-the-rules.com. Twitter: @megjohnbarker.

All of their books are available on the website.

Check out their podcast: Meg-John and Justin

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now! on my contact page. I look forward to seeing you next week.

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Reboot: Sex Spoken Here: pervertables

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am continuing my series on sex toys.

So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and vibrating toys, dildos and butt plugs, and talked with Chrystal Bougon of Curvy Girl and Bliss.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to the first three episodes in the series, I encourage you to do so.

Today, I am talking about pervertables and other interesting toys.

A pervertable is an ordinary item that can be turned to sexual or perverted purposes.    Later in the show I will talk about electro-stimulation toys.  The first question I usually get about pervertables is why bother?  There are a few reasons:

The first is if you are not sure if you will enjoy certain types of sensation or activities, you probably don’t want to invest money in the toys or items.  For example, you want to try a toy that will produce a thud type sensation, and see if you enjoy that type of pain mixed pleasure.  You could go out and buy different paddles or you could go into the kitchen and get a wooden spoon or use the back of a heavy hair brush.

The second reason is that you don’t have lots of money to spend.  This is the most common reason someone decides to explore pervertables and creating their own toys.

The third is the associations we form with items that we will see every day can add some excitement and on-going turn on.  For example, if you have children or live with parents or roommates, you won’t keep that gorgeous flogger out and so you won’t get the thrill of seeing it regularly.    But, if your lover uses a belt instead, every time you see the belt, every time they wear the belt, you will get an intense thrill.  It can be like being hot-wired: You are doing something ordinary and you see the belt and suddenly you are soaked or rock hard or both.

Pervertables for sensory play and sensory deprivation play:

Sensory deprivation can increase the sensation for the senses that are still available.    It also adds the extra thrill of surprise.  The mildest form of sensory deprivation (and the most common) is blindfolding.  Blindfolds can be made from ties, towels, shirts, belts, strips of fabric.  One of the most arousing scenes I ever took part in, my lover tore off my t-shirt and cut it into strips, using one to blindfold me and the others to tie my hands to the bed posts.

Your underwear can be used as a gag.

Sensory play involves using all our senses and different types of sensation to increase excitement.  Sometimes sight is removed (as many of us rely on sight as a primary sense).    Alternate textures can be used to stimulate and enflame.  There are tons of pervertables in the home that are ideal for this type of play.

You can use sandpaper, the edge of tweezers, a feather, a fan, the tines of a fork, leather gloves, silk gloves or fabric, a safety pin, a rubber band.  Using smells is also enlightening.  In this case, I recommend pleasant smells and smells that whet the appetite like vanilla, cinnamon, chocolate, musk, civet, labdanum, leather, tuberose, amber, or gardenia.

Taste is also a lot of fun to play with.  I recommend using fresh fruit, chocolate, olives, lemon or lime, fresh ginger and for the truly adventurous various chilli peppers.  Ginger can be used for figging which is when it is peeled and inserted in either the vagina or anus.  It will cause an intense burning sensation.  It shouldn’t be left in for too long.  Some people also use chilli for this but I don’t recommend it because it is too hard to remove.  Please make sure you aren’t allergic to anything you are going to put on or in your body.

What about pervertables for dildos?

There are loads of things you can use that are insertable pervertables.  Please use common sense before putting something up your coochie or ass.  Make sure that it isn’t going to cause damage – so make sure it is clean, use condoms, lots of lube, and nothing too sharp! (Even if you like pain, shredding your insides is never advised).    Warnings finished.  You can use carrots, zucchini (courgettes), candles.

If you want to try some forms of BDSM and kink, there are lots of pervertables you can find at home or at B&Q or Home Depot.    For restraints, ribbon can be used.  Ribbon can feel cutting though so make sure to pay attention to how you feel and make sure the person who has tied you with it is checking in with you about how you feel.  Any time you use restraints you must take care not to cut off circulation by tying too tight.  You can use various sizes of chain for restraints.  You can use regular rope but this tends to chafe.  Try using rope over some fabric (like a sock or a tie) in order to avoid chafing.

Nipple stimulation can be sensual or intense.  If you want to experience some of the intense, clothespins are great pervertables.   They may seem easy at first.  The real hurt comes when they are taken off and all the blood rushes back into the nipples.   Chopsticks can be used to tap on the nipples.

For impact toys, you have incredible choices all throughout the house.  In the office, rulers make great impact toys.  They can also be easily integrated into a role play scene.  My first piano teacher used to hit my hand with a ruler when I didn’t play correctly.   School role plays can include being spanked with a ruler.

Spoons are great impact toys.  You can use wooden, plastic or metal and they will each give you a different sensation.    You can use spatulas as well.   Try a long-handled shoe horn (wooden ones are the best).   Belts (the end without the buckle) are old standards for a good spanking.    The back of a brush or a shoe are ones that many people in their 40’s and older experienced when they were children and naughty.

If you want a more challenging sensation, a beating with the business end of a hair brush is pretty challenging.    Rubber bands are very challenging.  How do you use them, you ask?  Just like when you were kids, you snap them on someone.   The worst places to have them snapped on you are predictably the most sensitive places.  Rubber bands look really innocuous but they are NOT.

Remember that using different fabrics and textures all over your body can be really arousing.  Alternating textures raises excitement.  For example, using something furry over the breasts and following that with light scratching with finger nails.

Playing with temperature is also lots of fun with pervertables.

Paraffin candles are perfect for wax play.  If you’ve never done it before, do get some instruction (either in person or on line) so that no one gets burned.  Ice cubes are fantastic for raising your temperature.  They can be rubbed lightly over the body or held tightly to the juicy parts.

Electro-stimulation toys are finally more affordable.  Electrostimulation or e-sex involves the applying of electrical stimulation to the nerves for sexual pleasure.    If you use a pace maker, please don’t try this.  If you have heart conditions, this is not recommended.    And it is not advisable to place electrodes so that current passes through the chest cavity as even at low current and low voltage there is a risk of cardiac problems.   Having said this, if you are using a violet wand these warnings don’t apply.   If you are going to try this, it is best to get some instruction so you know all the risks, hazards and the best techniques.  OK, warnings over.

The use of electricity for entertainment dates back to the 1740’s.  In the 1830’s insertable electrodes were first designed.  In the 1920, some electrostimulation devices were used as a ‘cure’ for impotence.    In the 1950s, a EMS machine that was designed for relaxation was re-purposed and used for sexual stimulation. That was an advanced pervertable!.

Violet rays were developed for various medical treatments in the 1920’s and 30’s.   From there they went to the beauty community and some treatments originally derived from violet ray use still exist today.    Edgar Cayce found metaphysical uses for these devices and they found popularity again in the 60’s and 70’s.

The original repurposed units are TENS and EMS units.  Erotic units began to be devised in the 1980s.  Battery powered units are preferred as they reduce the likelihood of injury.

Violet wands are modified telsa coil type electrical transformer.  It is usually engineered specifically for sexual play.  The electrode attachments are made of glass or plastic and they glow when the electricity passes through them.  The most common colour is purple hence the violet in the name but there are lots of different colours you can find.  There is a phallic shaped electrode made for insertion and this has a fine spray output versus the long slim tube which concentrates into larger single sparks.  Some electrodes feel tickly, others like a gentle tingling, others a bit more spicy and some very intense.

There are a wide variety of techniques you can employ using these devices.  Some allow you to electrify yourself and use your fingertips to be the contact point.  So you can stroke your partner with a finger that gives them little sparks as you stroke.  There are floggers and canes that can be electrified through your hand so you can add that extra spice to the flogging.

Violet wands are lower amperage than other electro stimulation toys and therefore are the safest.  They can be used above the waist without fear.  There are so many different sensations produced by these making them a great toy to use long term,  More information can be found from the International Violet Wand Guild – violetwands.org.

Are there pervertables you have used that you found really sexy or are there things I haven’t mentioned that you find smokin’ hot?  Tweet me @drbisbey or post a picture on Instagram where I am also drbisbey.   Tell me about your violet wands or other electromagnetic play.  Or you can drop me an email at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week.

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Reboot: Care and Feeding of the Penis – Walsh

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I start my series about the care and feeding of the penis.  Joining me today is GP Walsh. Son of a schizophrenic mother and an absent father, GP’s earliest memory is being tied to his bed, to keep him from wandering. The years of abuse and emotional deprivation were offset by a natural gift for and love of truth as we’ll as an unquenchable curiosity about how people really heal and awaken.

GP Walsh has spent a lifetime mastering those techniques and processes that liberate the mind and heart and bring healing to individuals, families and organizations.

GP Walsh is the author of “The Tao of Allowing”, “Angels in the Basement”, “The Harmonious Human”, “Tapping on the Buddha”, “Just Allow It”, and numerous other ebooks, meditations and audio/video programs.

He is the Founder of The MasterHEART Institute, an Ordained Minister in the Universal Brotherhood Movement, a Member of the Association of Comprehensive Energy Psychology, the Evolutionary Business Council and was personally invited to be a member of the prestigious Transformational Leadership C ouncil by Jack Canfield, the organization’s founder.

We started by talking about The Ball Project and GP told me about how he started it and how important having a place for men to talk about feelings and worries is especially in the current cultural climate.  We spoke about how men find it difficult to feel their feelings and express them and how often they feel emasculated.  GP spoke about the anger and rage men carry – some righteous and some not and that they do not learn to express this in productive ways and this makes them ill.

We spoke about how all of this can cause impotency.  We went on to talk about retirement and the loss of relevance that men experience when they retire and how this can impact sexual functioning.  GP talked about how important it is for men to be doing something that matters and that men still identify themselves by the job they do.  We spoke about the fact that because there is a medication for impotence, men are not encouraged to look at their feelings and make the connection between mind, feelings and body that may resolve the problem without medication.

We spoke about men using pornography as avoidance from fear of women, lack of understanding as to how to approach women and fear of the tough emotions like rejection.  We both agreed that looking at overuse of pornography as an addiction does nothing to help them men who are experiencing this problem.  We spoke about how difficult it is for men to be centred in now

You can find GP Walsh at:

Website:

http://gpwalsh.com

Facebook: http://facebook.com/GPWalshFB

Twitter: http://twitter.com/gpwalsh.com

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Join me next for part 2 of the care and feeding of the penis.

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Sex Spoken Here: Overcoming Shame

Sex Spoken Here:  Overcoming Shame

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

This week I am talking about overcoming shame.

Dr Brene Brown is a shame researcher.  One of my favourite quotes of hers is: ‘Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do’.  Shame is one of the most common issues that clients bring to me as a therapist and as a coach.  People come with shame about their desires, about their past sexual experiences.  They come with shame about their feelings for others and some come with shame and they cannot figure out where the shame has come from.

We experience shame when we cannot own something we have thought, felt, or done or some part of ourselves.

Guilt can be appropriate when we have done something we know is wrong and harmed ourselves and/or others.  It serves the purpose of getting us to look at the wrong and highlighting the wrong so that we can make amends, change our behaviour.  Shame is toxic.  It comes from conditioning via our upbringing, via our cultural group, via the overarching society.    This shame doesn’t serve a purpose.  It keeps us trapped and makes it impossible for us to live in fullness and authenticity.

The difference between shame and guilt: Shame is ‘I am bad/wrong’ and guilt is ‘My behaviour is bad/wrong’.

When we experience shame, it can last a long time.  It hides in our unconscious and we are not necessarily aware of it until it is triggered.  Our own thoughts can trigger the shame.   Toxic shame most often comes from lots of shame experiences we have as children.  We internalise these experiences and the shame spreads.

‘Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging’ Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW    Dr Brown goes on to say that shame needs ‘three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgement.  Shame cannot survive being spoken.  It cannot survive empathy.’

Sadly, our culture encourages shame around sex and sexuality.

Many of us grow up ashamed of our bodies, ashamed of any pleasure we can from our bodies, ashamed of our desires and ashamed of our attractions.    It starts when we first discover our bodies can bring us pleasure and our caregivers find us enjoying our bodies.  All too often, caregivers shame children for touching themselves.  Instead of telling a child that it is wonderful that they are enjoying their body but it would be better to do so in private, parents often become flustered and angry and ashamed and then shame the child.   We learn quickly what our parents, family members, and other trusted adults feel is ‘shameful’ and we internalise that shame.  We feel shame when no matter what we do to modify our desires or attractions, we still experience them.  Many religions instil lots of shame around sexual behaviour, desire and attraction.  They hand down strict rules about when sex is appropriate, what type of sex is appropriate and even when and if pleasure is permitted.    For example, in Judaism, sexual pleasure is permitted and appropriate when you have sex within marriage.  If you have sex outside of marriage, that is considered inappropriate and if you are part of a religious community and this is discovered, one of the tools people have to punish you is to shame you.

Some people never get past this shame and sex becomes an emotional mine field.

They find it impossible to relax and fully enjoy sex.  When they do enjoy sex, they feel ashamed afterwards as well.  Some people find it hard to maintain intimate relationships because of their shame.  They find it hard to be vulnerable with their partners.  Other people finds ways to decrease their shame or only experience shame when they engage in some activities.  They make compromises with themselves.  They ask for forgiveness from whatever higher power or God they pray to.

I was raised with lots of shame around sex, sexuality and desire.   As a result, most of my early sexual experiences caused a backlash of shame.  It took me a lot of personal work over many years before I could experience my desires and any sexual activity I engaged in fully, authentically and without shame.    My current spiritual beliefs see sex as a sacred act and as an act of worship.  Sexual energy is the life energy.  Integrating this energy into self, relationships and daily life is a goal that leads to further spiritual development and enlightenment.    The process to get from shame based sexuality to authentic sexuality without shame can be a long one but the rewards are incredible.

How do you overcome shame?

To do so, you must be willing to be vulnerable, to feel your emotions in full and to walk through them.    Start by grabbing a pen and notebook or iPad or your phone or laptop.  Where ever you can take notes, and dedicate a section to this practice – the practice of feeling your emotions in full, walking through them, integrating them.  Journalling is a good way to pay attention to these feelings.  Hence my suggestion to make a practice of writing about your feelings

To move past shame, you must be willing to change the way you are thinking.

When shame is triggered, you can replace these thoughts with accepting thoughts.  To do this, you must pay attention to your triggers, your thoughts and your feelings.

This is a practice and it takes time.  The more you do it, the better you will become at it until it positive and accepting thoughts will be second nature rather than the negative shaming ones.  For some people, it is easier to note thoughts than feelings.  For others, it is easier to note the triggers for feelings and more difficult to look at the thoughts.  Where ever you start in this process, it is important to note all three: triggers, thoughts, feelings and often to note a fourth column: behaviour.

If you start with triggers: Once you have achieved some success at recognising your triggers, move on to identifying the source of the shame.    Is it a thought that is triggering feelings of being unworthy and bad?  Is it an action?  Something someone else has said or done?

Is the thought or desire or action against your own principles?  If it is, think about whether the shame is really guilt and whether you should be modifying your behaviour.   If not, recognise that this shame is not based in reality.

The next step is to clearly express the shame and all the secrets, unexpressed and hidden thoughts and feelings that the shame covers up.

Shame thrives in the dark so if you shine the light of your sustained non-judgemental attention on the shame it will dissipate.

If you have a safe person to talk to, the next step is to express these things to someone who will listen without judgement and acknowledge you and all that you are saying.  A safe person is someone who won’t judge you, won’t interpret what you are saying, will prioritise the time and the space to listen to you and will hold this space for you for as long as you need it.    They will listen with empathy and their goal in doing so is to support you.  If you don’t have someone in your life who is safe to work on these things with, you might consider a therapist, counsellor, or coach as it is difficult to fully explore shame and get rid of it on your own.

Once you have exposed these secrets and hidden thoughts and desires to the light of day, notice how you are feeling.  If you are feeling lighter and more positive then you know you have just overcome an area of shame.  If you remain uncertain or upset it is likely that some part remains unexplored and/or that there are other connected feelings, thoughts or events that have been triggered by exploring the current material and not yet explored.   If you can identify one of these incidents, thoughts or feelings, you can give voice to it just at you did with the last secret you brought from the shadow to the light.    When you are feeling lighter or better in some way, it is a good place to stop.

Make it a point to get out of your head when you reach that good place to stop.  Go for a walk and notice the beauty around you, listen to some music, watch a movie, enjoy something delicious to eat.  Take your attention from your thoughts and bring it into your feelings, your senses, the world around you.

When you have examined and expressed these desires and gotten rid of the shame connected to them, the next step is to decide if you wish to experience them.  Once you have eliminated toxic shame around a desire or fantasy, you may find the drive to have the experience increases.

Janna had a fantasy about having sex with two men at the same time.  She had this fantasy for as long as she could remember but she had never told anyone about it because it caused her intense shame. She could hear her mother saying that girls who enjoy sex are sluts and that sex was only for reproduction and pleasing your husband.   Janna started seeing a sex coach to help her to move past her shame about her sexual desires.    After working directly on her shame, she was finally able to talk about this fantasy with her sex coach.   Talking about the fantasy no longer made Janna feel ashamed and in fact she felt excited when talking about the desire.   Janna now had the courage to talk with her husband about this fantasy.  She was initially worried about how he would react but she felt reassured when she saw his response to some erotica that contained stories about group sex and specifically two men sharing a woman.  One night Janna sat her husband down and told him all about her fantasy of having sex with two men at once.  George listened and as Janna talked he became more and more excited.  He found the idea so exciting that he grabbed her and silenced her by kissing her intensely.  They continued kissing and progressed to having passionate sex on the living room floor.

Janna and George talked more later that night and George suggested they start to look for a man to join them and fulfil Janna’s fantasy.  Excitement had now completely replaced shame.

Paul had fantasised about being spanked since he was a teenager.  He wasn’t sure why this fantasy caused him to feel shame but he was aware that it did.  It was his most powerful fantasy but every time he thought about it, the shame was so intense that he felt as though he were going to cry.    Paul and his boyfriend went to a birthday party for a friend and the birthday boy got a spanking at the party.  Michael noticed Paul’s reaction to the spanking and how turned on he was but when he brought it up to Paul, Paul shut the conversation down immediately.    Michael asked Paul to come to a coaching session with him to talk about their sexual fantasies so they could learn how to communicate better.  During the session, Paul finally talked about the shame he felt when he had these sexual desires.  When it was clear that Michael was not only not disgusted by him but was very turned on by him, the shame began to lift.    After some further work on their communication, they were able to agree to enact this fantasy and both reported having a great time.

Ridding yourself of shame does not mean that you will choose to enact the desires or fantasies that triggered the shame in the first place.  However, once you have rid yourself of the shame, you will be able to make a choice.

Being bold, being honest, being authentic are skills.  The more that you practice the more likely they will become strong skills and develop into positive habits.    If you are not able to get rid of the shame by working on your own or if the shame keeps returning, you are likely to experience better results if you work with a sex therapist or a sex coach.  Choose a therapist if you have a lot of issues in your past and know that you will need to examine these in depth.  Choose a coach if your focus is primarily on clearing up feelings and thoughts, learning new skills, becoming comfortable in the present and planning for the future.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.

I look forward to seeing you next week.

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Reboot: Sex Spoken Here: Littles and Bigs and Age Play  TRIGGER WARNING

Please enjoy again: Littles and Bigs Age Play

Sex Spoken Here: Littles and Bigs and Age Play  TRIGGER WARNING

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am starting my series on littles, bigs and age play.  This area of kink often really upsets people.  Many people see it as related to paedophilia which it is not or related to sexual abuse.    There are many layers to this area so I will spend a few weeks examining them in as much detail as I can.

Joining me to start the discussion is Kathleen Melch.

Kathleen Melch is a leatherwoman within the BDSM community. She has been publicly involved with the community for the last 15 years as an educator and a title holder. She considers the subject of Littles as her primary specialty. Uncovering her own little in her early twenties, it is her mission and joy to guide people who are littles, Bigs and the larger community.

Kathleen started by making the distinction between age play which is adults choosing to take on the persona of a child – more like a role play – and littles where people are actually psychologically and emotionally regressing to a particular age.  She made the point that in age play, consent is possible but that in her opinion with littles it is not.  She highlighted that this is because of the complete regression.  Kathleen said that littles are usually between age 3 and 8 and that middles are 8 to the tweens and that bigs are the people who look after/care for the little.

Flowing from her point about consent, Kathleen made clear that in her view there should be nothing sexual between a big and a little as that is incest and could be traumatising or re-traumatising.  She was clear that she does not see littles and bigs as a kink as a result.   She spoke about the explosion of littles on the BDSM kink scene in the last 10 years and that this has led to difficult situations where the space for littles is placed in the dungeon or in a sexual play space.  Kathleen was clear that she doesn’t think this is appropriate as you wouldn’t expose your 6 year old to an adult sexual space and it is essentially the same as the little, who is psychologically regressed, is in the mind space and emotional space of the child.

We spoke about the grey areas that fall between littles/bigs and age play.  For example, two littles playing doctor is age appropriate sexual play.   Spanking can be a grey area as the sexual pleasure encoding may have happened during a childhood incident in which there was no sexual content intended (e.g The adult was not sexually aroused.  They were administering punishment).  And spoke about the fact that some people choose to re-enact a scene from their own sexual abuse background in order to try to heal.

We spoke in great detail about the discomfort of people who are not interested in little/big relationships sharing adult space and the problems sex educators have when dealing with these relationships.  Kathleen was clear that she is very protective of littles and seeks to keep them safe in adult spaces.

Kathleen spoke about the need for bigs and adults who are engaging in age play to have education around the age regression and how to bring someone back to the adult age as well as around symptoms of trauma and dissociation. She spoke about the fact that after care is usually much more extensive in these situations.

We spoke about the enjoyment people get out of age play and how some people find it extremely exciting to explore these taboo relationships and that these adults are able to consent to do this.

We also highlighted that none of this has to do with adults having any sexual interest in a biological child.  The interest is in an adult who is engaging in pretend.

We began to talk about some of the psychological issues that arise and when people need to consider seeking out professional support (psychotherapy for example).   We will continue that discussion in a later podcast in this series.

You can find Kathleen on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/kathleen.baars

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!   Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.  I look forward to seeing you next week for part two of all about age play.