Podcasts about polyamory, non-monogamy, swinging, relationship anarchy and all other types of relationships style.

Let’s talk about consent.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am starting my series on risk assessment in relationships with the topic of consent.  Consent is the foundation for all sexual agreements and relationships.   Some feel the current emphasis on consent is too intense and make fun of the idea of having to ask for permission each step of the way in a sexual encounter.  Others feel that we don’t take consent seriously and we make too many assumptions.

Joining me today to discuss this is Kitty Stryker.  Kitty Stryker is a Degenderette, writer, queer activist, and authority on developing a consent culture in alternative communities. She was the founder of ConsentCulture.com, a website that ran for 4 years as a hub for LGBT/kinky/poly folks looking for a sex critical approach to relationships, which will be relaunched on 2017. Kitty also cofounded the artsy sexy party Kinky Salon London, as well as being head of cosplay for queer gaming convention GaymerX. Having finished “Ask: Building Consent Culture”, an anthology through Thorntree Press coming out in October, Kitty tours internationally speaking at universities and conferences about feminism, sex work, body positivity, queer politics, and more. She lives in Oakland, California with her wife, boyfriend, and two cats, Foucault and Nietzsche.

We started by talking about issues around consent and the reasons for Kitty starting ConsentCulture.com.    Kitty spoke about how hard it is for people to take responsibility and then look at changing behaviour.  She spoke about the problems in the alternative sexuality communities when consent violations occur.  Often calling the police makes things worse as the police are not necessarily friendly to kinky, LGBT or people of colour.  She spoke about the need for communities to come up with a clear plan to resolve these situations that don’t simply involve calling someone out and then isolating that person from the community.

We spoke about how hard it can be to give proper consent when alcohol or drugs are involved.

Kitty advises people to consider if they are willing to go to jail for the person and the activity they are about to undertake.  She highlights the fact that we all make mistakes in this area and violate consent.  It may be as simple as hugging an acquaintance who didn’t want to be hugged or as serious as rape.  We spoke about how it can be hard to draw your own boundaries and how this can be especially difficult if you are involved in power exchange.

Kitty spoke about the reasons that people don’t use a safe word even when they should and said that she had done some research that found that often women refuse to do so because they want to please a partner and men are more likely to just want to be seen as tough.  She spoke about sitting down and actually looking at how her boundaries had been violated over the years and how she had just brushed this off rather than dealing with the issues.  We spoke about things like playing in a public situation and how difficult it is for people to find a way to protect themselves without feeling like they are causing drama in public.

We spoke about the trauma that perpetrators experience and the fact that they too need help to resolve any shame and guilt.

Kitty highlighted that when we talk about consent in sexual relationships it is only an opening conversation to discussing all the places in which we need to think about boundaries and consent in society.  She highlighted things like consent in medical situations, and where information is shared, and education.

Kitty’s book will come out in October.  If you want to pre-order, here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Building-Consent-Kitty-Stryker/dp/1944934251/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497383382&sr=8-1&keywords=ask+building+consent+culture

The website for the book is https://consentculture.com/

Website where stories have been gathered about consent to help deepen understanding https://medium.com/consent-culture-a-conversation

Website Link
http://kittystryker.com/

Facebook link
https://www.facebook.com/officiallykittystryker/

twitter link
https://twitter.com/kittystryker

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.  If there was something you didn’t like, tell me that too! Follow me on twitter @drbisbey, Instagram @drbisbey and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and leave a review on iTunes.  If you want more information, sign up for my newsletter here. I look forward to seeing you next week for part two of risk assessment in relationships.

 

 

Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the reality of 50 Shades Part 3

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship. Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. We have been delving deep into these areas for the past two episodes. Quick recap: For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged.

Joining me today to continue the discussion are Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who have the House of Kemi-Nesew. They are both lifestyle dominants for more than the past 15 years.

First I asked them to describe what a dominant couple led household looks like.

They both emphasised that it requires one vision and that they discuss things together and lead from there.  We spoke about the difference between this type of household and one where there is a dominant at the top and a switch (someone who is dominant sometimes and submissive others) next and others underneath. Pharaoh highlighted that this is still a single led household so one person is responsible for all final decisions. They pointed out that they are able to support each other because they both have the same vision even to the point of one stepping in during a scene if the other is finding energy a bit low.

We highlighted the fact that service to a couple is not only possible but can be very rewarding. It can be a bit complicated but certainly isn’t too complicated to work.  They spoke of wanting people who are clear they are submissive to both of them and that they will be taking direction from both of them and wanting people who are already adults and handle their own lives. They are not interested in total power exchange at this time as it is far too much energy and they have a child at home and don’t want to be overt in front of their child.

We talked about the fact that some people are completely out in front of their children and the details of their lives are clear and that many of us feel that we don’t want to give our children too much information as we want them to enjoy their childhoods without having to think about things they are not yet ready to deal with.

We spoke about the joys in having someone who has a high level of congruence to share the head of household with and that communication is essential to making these relationships work.

They pointed out that people who are new to this type of relationship benefit from having mentors and that even experienced folk find benefit in having a mentor to talk through difficult bits of relationships with. Pharoah pointed out that lifestyle and kinky relationships require putting all your cards on the table immediately so that people know what they are getting into and that there is lots of conversation and negotiation early on whereas vanilla relationships tend to build slowly and often people find themselves emotionally committed before really knowing each other.

We spoke about the desire for love and thinking that you can only love one person at a time being one of the problems that dominants are presented with and that many people enter this new type of relationship with the patterns from their old relationships still in place. Many are looking for husbands or wives and just substitute Master or Mistress as the terms they use. This does not work well.  We ended with encouragement to consider this lifestyle and to approach a dominant couple.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go here I look forward to seeing you next week

 

 

BDSM and Power Exchange Part 1

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.

Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship.

Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. In the next four episodes of Sex Spoken Here we will delve deep into these areas. For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged.

Joining me to start our discussion into these areas and to delve into some of the theory is Dr Kevin Boileau, psychoanalyst and philosopher to speak on this topic. It’s good to see you Dr Boileau.

We started by introducing the topics of power exchange, BDSM and power dynamics in relationships.

Of the many points made,  one of the most important was that in order to explore these areas , a person needs to be self-aware and to take responsibility with a capital R (for self and for other).

Dr Boileau spoke about the different forms of power and how power is a part of all aspects of our lives.  He spoke about the creativity involved in deciding to explore power exchange and BDSM in a committed relationship or even in a shorter term relationship and that this creativity creates a space for growth.  He spoke of the importance of creating a safe space and also recognition that for some people entering into this type of exploration can be a negative experience.

Dr Boileau pointed out that the concept of sadomasochism is a complex one. He highlighted that there are true sadists with varying levels of psychopathology who simply enjoy hurting others and that there are also masochists who gain enjoy pain in unhealthy ways.

We talked about the level of responsibility if you are entering into a consensual power exchange and that it means that a person has to consider more about what they are actually agreeing to do and so often paves the way for growth.

We spoke of the shame that can be involved in trying to talk about these very intimate issues and for some people there is shame in even thinking about these things and how much easier it can be if there is a third person present, often a professional, to help make it safer to explore and experience and express the feelings that come with intimacy and being creative around intimate behaviour.

This was very much an introduction to terms with definitions of bondage, discipline and sadomasochism, power and power dynamics. In the next episode, we delve deeper into some of the theory relating to these types of roles, relationships and lifestlyes and provide more concrete specific examples.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week