Podcasts about polyamory, non-monogamy, swinging, relationship anarchy and all other types of relationships style.

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 2:  OJ

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today is the second instalment of the sex love series.  I have invited OJ Onaedo.  OJ is a YouTuber who makes videos about all things love and lust.  On the channel you will find advice, vlogs, personal ramblings and reviews, all within the realms of sex and sexuality.

I asked OJ to tell me about her background and culture.  She told me that she is young black woman and her parents were born in Nigeria and she is Igbo.  She is first generation British.

OJ spoke about first becoming aware of her own sexuality when she was 5 or 6 years old and she shared a kiss with a girl in the toilet at school.  She spoke of not really focusing on gender at that time and she said that this experience shaped her experiences and that since then she considers herself bisexual.

OJ said that in her school years she didn’t date and didn’t consider herself attractive – the type guys would go for.  She had her first boyfriend at 16 which she felt was an arrangement because in her culture you didn’t lose your virginity outside of an relationship so you had a very short relationship in which you lost virginity.

She went on to talk about her best friend teaching her how to masturbate when she was 13 or 14.  She said they were lying on her bed and talking about boys and sex and her friend asked ‘Have you tried this before?’ and then proceeded to teach her how to masturbate.  She refers to this as a very empowering experience and we went on to talk about how this gave her the tools to own her desire and that she began exploring to find out what really turns her on.   She said that because of this she is very able and willing to explore her sexuality.   We spoke further about how powerful it is to be able to masturbate, bring yourself to orgasm without needing another person to guide, or lead.  She spoke about having been lucky that she didn’t have much shame around any of this.

She spoke about not conflating sex and love and that if you are able to give yourself orgasms you don’t load sex with so much feeling because you can do it yourself.

She says so she doesn’t get attached through sex though she really enjoys sex with someone she loves.

We spoke a bit about what virginity might mean as OJ asked the question if you are in a same sex relationship is there even a concept of virginity.  She spoke about in Nigerian culture they still talk about various things impacting the bride price even in a joking way and she said that at Igbo weddings you still carry a dowry.  She went on to talk about the strictures of culture and the impact of it on your sexuality and how it would be harder choice to have a long term primary relationship with a woman.

She spoke about her concerns about making her children’s lives harder by adding other things into their background that will make them different.  I asked what happens to her if she doesn’t pursue her identity, living her sexual identity and she replied ‘I end up living a half-life’.  We spoke about how this would impact children as well.

 

She went on to speak about how she and her boyfriend are exploring polyamory.

She said they are looking to add a woman to their relationship.  She described looking for a long-term relationship but not to come live with them.  She spoke about the two of them learning themselves so that they are able to negotiate polyamory in a healthy way.

We ended up talking about how annoying the perception of bisexual women as being a fetish and not seeing that they have the capacity to love a woman as well as loving a man and that the relationships with other women are real relationships with depth.

We ended with OJ talking about how she is feeling now.  She says she hasn’t been this happy before in her life and she feels she has found her calling.  She expressed gratitude to her mother, boyfriend and her friends for being supportive on this journey.   She says that now is about getting to know herself more and that this is really a journey that never ends.

Today we spoke about masturbation, bisexuality, virginity, Igbo culture and the impact on relationships, and non-monogamy.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.

Igbo culture

Bisexuality

Bisexuality

Polyamory

Polymonogamy

To find OJ:

YouTube: https://youtube.com/channel/UCVsatUF1h9oaZ37QVQzS3fw (OJ Onaedo)

Instagram: https://instagram.com/ojonaedo (@ojonaedo)

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ojonaedo (@ojonaedo)

Facebook: https://facebook.com/ojonaedo

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!   Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. I look forward to next week’s sex love story.

 

 

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 1 Intro and My Story

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am starting a series that is different from the ones I usually do.  Since I started this podcast, I have covered different topics to do with sex, sexuality, gender and relationships over two or three weeks, looking at each topic in moderate depth.   In this new series, I am interviewing people from all walks of life about their journeys to sexual authenticity and integration.  Different people are in different places on their journeys.  Some are close to the beginning, others in the middle and still others have reached a place of authenticity and integration and their journeys are focused on more pleasure and more learning.    For each story, I’ll give a short summary and I will provide some advice or tips for further learning or help if you need it with any of the issues talked about during the story.     It is my hope that you will see yourself somewhere in these stories and you will gain support and inspiration from them.  Some of them are really hard in places and they also contain great joy.  Your sexual journey is as unique as your lip print (which is as unique as a fingerprint – as is your nose print, ear print and your eyes).

My journey is a long one, so grab a cup of tea, coffee or your favourite tipple, any nibbles you choose and get comfortable.  When you listen to these stories, try to listen without judgement.  Reflect on your own story and each unique piece that makes you authentically you.

Many people believe that all good stories begin ‘Once upon a time’ but that beginning is for a fairy tale and my story starts in the real world.   As a pre-teen, my fantasies were about having a master and living in a bottle like the show I Dream of Jeannie.  I created a decorated a bottle to live in.  I didn’t know why I wanted this, I just did.

By the time I reached my teens, the fantasy was more detailed.  There were Masters and Mistresses, and other slave women (for that is how I saw the genie).   I was sexually precocious for a number of reasons that I will leave for another day.  At 13, I was desperate to lose my virginity but I was ashamed of my desire.  I got it in my head that doing so at 13 would be too young and therefore make me a slut so I decided to wait until after my 14th birthday.  I had a boyfriend at the time and I made him wait until 10 days after my 14th birthday.   Before my birthday, I discovered the joys of blow jobs.  I loved the feelings that giving a blow job gave me.  My boyfriend counted himself lucky.

My boyfriend’s parents were divorced.  He was 16 and lived with his mom.  She didn’t mind him bringing me to his bedroom.  As a result, I lost my virginity in a comfortable room, in a clean comfortable bed, with Pink Floyd’s Darkside of the Moon album playing on the stereo.  We used condoms and he was careful to work on arousing me before the first penetration.  There was nothing at all traumatic about the experience.  It hurt a little but within a few minutes it was feeling good.   It was a great entry to the world of fucking and I have been grateful for this ever since.  When I finally did experience traumatic sex, I knew that sex could be seriously good which meant I knew it could be again.

Shortly after this, I had my first proper girlfriend.  I had fooled around with some of my female friends earlier – kissing here and there, an occasional fondle.  S was my first real girlfriend.  With her, I discovered the joys of eating pussy.  At that time, I preferred to be the one giving not receiving.

My desires to be forced, to be a slave, to be told what to do, just increased as time went on.  At 14, I got involved with Perry who was 18 while I was at summer camp.  He worked in the kitchen and I was a camper.  He was so sexy and wrote poetry.  He would read to me.  It wasn’t long before my parents broke us up.  The age difference was the main reason.  I had not even entered high school and he had already graduated and was headed to university.  Perry introduced me to proper erotica.   As I was and still am a voracious reader, I was in heaven.  I was relieved to see that there were other people like me, who had cravings like mine.  None of my friends who I tried to confide in understood my cravings at all.  I would end up feeling shamed when I spoke about my desires so I quickly learned not to speak of them.  I also loved sex and had no desire for a monogamous relationship.  This had me labelled as a slut very quickly.

The girls I got involved with didn’t want me to be with boys.  The boys I got involved with wanted me to bring the girls I liked home so they could watch but weren’t happy if I saw them separately.  High school was filled with experimentation and promiscuity.  I did not feel good about myself, however.  I had accepted what others were saying – that there was something wrong with wanting the things I wanted and something wrong with wanting sex with more than one person and something wrong with wanting boys and girls.

I read the Story of O and Return to the Chateau.  At 15 while at summer school, I saw the movie.  I also saw the movie Swept Away with Giancarlo Giannini.  I read 9 ½ weeks.  But I still hadn’t yet had a relationship that included much more than pushing my head down when I was giving head.

I went off to university at 17 in the autumn of 1980.  I was registering for English classes when I saw a lithe man with long hair, a goatee who was smoking a pipe.   I fell for him before we even spoke.  His presence struck me and when he introduced himself, I was stammering.  J and I began a relationship shortly after.  Our sex had more than a little power exchange.  There was some breath play and lots of intensity.  It was electrifying.  This was what I had been fantasising about since I was 9.   Our relationship was cut short by his live in girlfriend just before the end of my freshman year.  By this point, I was a bit less ashamed of my desires.  Some of them had begun to feel just a part of me.  I didn’t feel bad about my love for men and women.  I no longer beat myself up because I often loved more than one person at the same time.  I still felt pressure to fit in to my parent’s model of relationships but I was away at university so I felt a degree of freedom to experiment.

I started sophomore year with a re-newed relationship with J with D’s agreement.  This was my first proper foray into an ethical non-monogamous relationship.  It fit me beautifully.  I was thrilled to be able to be honest and I certainly didn’t want one partner.   The first semester was filled with exploration and lots of seriously hot sex.  I still had a small amount of shame about my desire to engage in rough sex and to be dominated, but I was feeling better and better about myself.

At the end of May, D introduced me to Alton telling me ‘I think you two will really hit it off.’.  Alton was 26 years old and I was just 19.  He was tall, slender with burnt sienna skin, a long-ish brown fro with a small white stripe – reminded me of a lightning bolt.  His eyes were captivating and his voice hit me right in the pussy – deep, smooth, liquid with plenty of bass.    The attraction was immediate.  We went out for a bite after work.  Alton drew all sorts of information out of me during that first talk.  I was unsophisticated and didn’t see how he was leading me.    By the time the evening came to an end, I was lost.  He took me home, kissed me goodnight and arranged to see me the next day.

Alton told me that women he dated had to agree to obey him or he didn’t get involved.  He promised we would go slowly and if there was anything I truly did not want to do, he wouldn’t press me.   He was one of my fantasies come to life.  It didn’t take me long to agree.

The next night, Alton came over and we had sex for hours.  It was hot, intense sex.  He was very large so it took me being extremely aroused to manage his size.   When I gagged on him, he pulled back, helped me to relax and try again.  It got easier to manage his size even when he was controlling the action. Orgasm had mostly alluded me during fucking and or having any kind of penetrative sex and my male lovers to that point didn’t eat pussy.  Orgasm with Alton felt easy.  His hands pulling my head back, his teeth on my neck and breasts while he pounded into me just seemed to work.

This was 1982 and I used a diaphragm for birth control so I didn’t use condoms.  I was careful to make sure my diaphragm was inserted properly.  I didn’t want to get pregnant.  I didn’t worry much about disease as I believed all the myths of the time about catching diseases and most of the things I might catch were relatively easily curable.  I was like most of my peers.  We felt invincible.

After a few days, Alton stopped leaving my place in the morning.  He didn’t move stuff in but he stayed.  10 days after we first went out, we headed out for a drink and his attitude was more serious.  There was an edge I hadn’t seen before.  I didn’t know that he had a cocaine addiction.  In fact, he used intravenously. I didn’t know he was withdrawing and that was making him really ratty.  I didn’t have access to money to give him.  My bills were paid by my parents.  My extra money came from the same job that Alton had – telesales.  I was a supervisor in the office, checking the sales made by the others.

We got to the bar and Alton began to interrogate me.  He asked questions about my other lovers.  He demanded details about what I had done, how I felt.  He told me he didn’t believe that I was committed to him.  He told me he thought I was a fake, not really submissive, not really willing to obey.  I felt confused, hurt and also scared that he would leave.  I was having the best sexual relationship of my life and I had strong feelings for him.  I didn’t want to lose him.  By the time we left, I was feeling off balance.  We were half way down Brookline Ave when he pushed me into a doorway and down to my knees.  He demanded I suck him off.  I was overwhelmed, frightened and a little excited.  My hesitation was met with a growl of ‘Obey!’.  I did and when he finished, he dragged me to my feet and we headed back to my flat.

From that evening, things changed.  Alton was rough and mean in his handling of me so at the end of the day, I said no.  I told him I wanted him to leave.  He laughed at me.  He came for me with a closed fist and began to beat me.  I was shocked, then I struggled but it did no good.  He was far stronger than I.  I screamed but no one came.  Eventually, I just took the beating.  When he finished, I couldn’t put my legs together as my thighs were too bruised.

For 5 days, Alton kept me captive.  He beat me repeatedly.  He raped me repeatedly.  He humiliated me.  Twice he choked me until there was no breath in me and I died.  When I came back it was to him pounding on my chest and giving me mouth to mouth.  He fed me nothing.  He poured alcohol down my throat.   Friends came to see me but I was too afraid to say what was going on directly.  I tried using code.  I was convinced he was going to kill me.   On the 6th morning, Alton got up, showered and dressed and told me he was going out and I wasn’t to talk to anyone or to go out.  An hour after he left, J came by and found me shaking and weak.   My face was covered in little red dots (called petechial hemmorhages) because he burst all my capilliaries strangling me.  The bruising on my vulva and my inner thighs was so severe that my skin was black.    I told J that I needed to get away, that I was in danger.  I packed a gym bag with socks, a t-shirt, sweats and butcher knife, a set of hand cuffs and my jewelry and my journal.  I wouldn’t tell J where I was going.  I was afraid Alton would find out.  I told him I would let him know when I was safe.

I went into Cambridge and was lucky that a good Samaritan found me wandering aimlessly and took me to a café and bought me a meal.  I had no money with me.   He helped me contact D and she met me at the hospital.  The rape exam is a story for another time.   As is the story of the police, preliminary hearing and the eventual plea bargain because the DA was afraid to try to prosecute rape when I had slept with Alton consensually before.

I developed PTSD after this event.  Probably no surprise.  I entered therapy quickly with a lovely older man who was a Jungian analyst.  I remember very little of the contents of the therapy except that I remember a warm non-judgemental presence who helped me to be able to breathe and continue my studies but who was unable to help me get rid of the nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and the intense shame that despite all that Alton did to me, I still wanted rough sex and a dominant partner and there were some things that he did to me that I would fantasise about.

I found myself attracted to older men who had an edge.  These were Vietnam veterans who had PTSD. It was a strange coincidence.  I was now 20 years old and there wasn’t anywhere where I came into contact with veterans.  But I was involved with three in a row. All of them were 16 years or more older than I.   All of them were dominant but only with the last one did I enter any kind of stated power exchange relationship.  My liasions with women during this time were fleeting.   And all of my sexual relationships were tinged with shame.

I graduated from university and re-located to North Carolina where I met S.  This was my next power exchange relationship and I fell into it without really knowing what was happening.  I spent the next year exploring the dynamics of a dominant submissive relationship.  There was just one problem.  I couldn’t surrender.  I wanted to so badly but I couldn’t let go.  Orgasm eluded me as it had mostly since Alton because orgasm meant losing control.  I was fine if I was masturbating because I was safe.  With a partner, orgasm was nigh on impossible.  In the autumn, I left North Carolina for graduate school in clinical psychology in California.

Throughout graduate school, I took reckless sexual risks.  I hooked up with strangers to try out various kinks and BDSM.  Looking back, I’m lucky that I was not injured or killed.  I was in therapy during this time, still trying to get my PTSD symptoms to go away and deal with the resultant depression.  They did not.  Hypervigilance had me walking round the house at night, checking all the windows and doors repeatedly.  I lived with G for a year and he taught me that orgasm was much more likely if someone was eating my pussy.    I had a couple of girl friends who added evidence to this lesson.  I hooked up with J, G and T from university and indulged in group sex.  I spent time on Compuserve and on bulletin boards talking with people who were Masters, slaves, tops, bottoms and into all sorts of kinks.  I went to private parties and underground clubs.  I met K and had a whirlwind romance with elements of all of my desires and it ended badly.  I got involved with a woman who insisted that I was truly a lesbian and that the reason I was sexually unsatisfied was that I hadn’t found the right woman.   She wasn’t the right one.  (This has happened a lot – both men and women have felt the need to explain to me that if I found the right insert gender here I would be het or gay or monogamous or I wouldn’t want kink)

Then I met my first husband at a conference on PTSD and a treatment method called Traumatic Incident Reduction.  His accent did me in.  He was tall with dark hair, moustache and pale skin.  Extremely good looking.  I was on the rebound.    The initial sex was good though very vanilla.  There was no orgasm for me but I enjoyed the sex.

I signed up to experience TIR and spent a week working intensively with a facilitator.  It was nothing short of miraculous.  At the end of that week, my symptoms of PTSD were gone and most of them were never to return. (I still have some hypervigilance in certain situations and get tactile defensive).  I had my energy back.  I was no longer depressed.  I could sleep.  No more flashbacks.  3 months later I agreed to marry Stephen and 3 months after that I was living in the UK.

Stephen was alcoholic.  I hadn’t really understood that until he went into withdrawal before our first wedding date and ended up in hospital with a gastric bleed.  He agreed to stop drinking and did for three years.  Those three years were a nightmare.  Alcoholics who stop drinking are crazy for the first year or two of recovery depending up on the severity and length of the addiction and whether they are working a program.  He was not.  Our sex life was sporadic and not satisfactory for either of us.  I remember clearly when I complained that he didn’t wait for me to even get close to coming, he said that he didn’t care if I came as long as he got his.  When Stephen started drinking again, it got worse.   I had sex 12 times in 8 years.  I finally left.

I met up with N, 4 months later.  He gave me permission to play again.  After 8 years of no sex and at 35 years old, I was back out in the single world.  I did some personal spiritual work and personal development work that left me feeling comfortable with my desire to submit, surrender, be dominated and even comfortable with my more masochistic desires, feeling comfortable with my desire for non-monogamy and happy in my bisexuality.    I told N that I was finally ready to go back and explore BDSM and the rest of my kink.  We enjoyed swinging together and have stayed family to this day.    6 months later, I met my second husband, F.

In hindsight, my hormones were driving my choice of F.  He is 12 years younger than I and was happy to be a stay at home dad.  He was relatively inexperienced sexually and it was quickly apparent that we weren’t sexually compatible.    But my hormones drove me forward.  I wanted a baby and time was running out.  This was not conscious!  Before we married, we clearly made a contract about ethical non-monogamy.  We decided that we needed to talk with each other before seeing another person and that each of us had the right to say we didn’t want a relationship to begin or continue.  F wasn’t interested in any of the kink that captivated me but I wasn’t concerned because I could find other partners to meet those needs.    In theory, it should have worked well.  In practice, it was a disaster.

I had my incredible son and became very ill.  My sex life with F was non-existent.  I began to explore again following the terms of our ethical non-monogamy.  I caught F lying about an online hook up and making plans to bring her to our home when I was away on a business trip.  He apologised and said it wouldn’t happen again.    Two years later, he had a real life affair that lasted over 6 months.   He told me when the husband of the woman he had the affair with threatened to tell me.   We separated 6 months after I found out about the affair.

I spent time in 2004 and 2005 at sex positive and BDSM events in the UK. Time I spent running round with a pro Domme and a pro Master and their pro slave really got me to a place where I felt totally comfortable with all of my sexual self.  I finally felt that I was able to express myself authentically, congruently and with no apologies.

I was in a relationship when I found out about F’s affair.  I continued to pursue this relationship and 6 months later headed to a spirituality conference.  I met TJ, my current husband at this event.  We talked a lot and the electricity was apparent throughout but we didn’t act on it.   We maintained our friendship through FaceBook at first and then through Skype calls.  We had lunch when I visited my boyfriend three months after we first met and this led to our first kiss (He threw me over the bonnet of the car in the midst of a main road in Hollywood.  The kiss was so hot we stopped traffic).  Ours was a power exchange relationship from the start.  We spent time talking and negotiating and being clear about the form we wanted our relationship to take.  4 months later I accepted his collar.  This was in 2009.

In 2010, we attend our first public kink event together.  It was at this event that I met a butch woman with whom I would have a tumultuous two year D/s relationship.  He was there with his wife and the four of us got along really well.  It was 2011 before we managed to hook up and the relationship started with lots of promise.

In 2010, TJ and I started attending an annual BDSM event for people of colour and their allies  which lead to attending an annual sex positive BDSM event for people of colour.  We have developed a circle of friends some of whom are playmates.  We have had the opportunity to play in public, play as a couple with another couple, indulge in some threesomes.

When my relationship the woman I met in 2010 ended in 2013, I entered another relationship with a woman I was close friends with to that point.  I have maintained a number of relationships with women since that time.   I adore my woman only time.

I finally live in congruence.  My sexuality is expressed authentically and I am free to continue to learn and explore.   I no longer have any shame about who I am or how I choose to live my life.  I love my husband, my beloved girlfriend, my friends with benefits.  I love attending sex positive events and trying new things even at the age of 54.   I am grateful to all of the people who have walked a part of this journey with me, including Alton, without whom I would not be the person I am today.  Alton forced me to look at myself from all angles, to learn to love every part of myself because I could not recover from what he did with me otherwise.

Today I talked about sexual trauma, dominance and submission, BDSM, kink, bisexuality and non-monogamy.  If any of these areas resonate for you and you need some help with any issues that arise, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com and I can provide you with resources for further learning or set up a discovery session to talk about what might help you further.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.

I look forward to seeing you for next week’s sex love story.

 

Let’s talk about consent.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am starting my series on risk assessment in relationships with the topic of consent.  Consent is the foundation for all sexual agreements and relationships.   Some feel the current emphasis on consent is too intense and make fun of the idea of having to ask for permission each step of the way in a sexual encounter.  Others feel that we don’t take consent seriously and we make too many assumptions.

Joining me today to discuss this is Kitty Stryker.  Kitty Stryker is a Degenderette, writer, queer activist, and authority on developing a consent culture in alternative communities. She was the founder of ConsentCulture.com, a website that ran for 4 years as a hub for LGBT/kinky/poly folks looking for a sex critical approach to relationships, which will be relaunched on 2017. Kitty also cofounded the artsy sexy party Kinky Salon London, as well as being head of cosplay for queer gaming convention GaymerX. Having finished “Ask: Building Consent Culture”, an anthology through Thorntree Press coming out in October, Kitty tours internationally speaking at universities and conferences about feminism, sex work, body positivity, queer politics, and more. She lives in Oakland, California with her wife, boyfriend, and two cats, Foucault and Nietzsche.

We started by talking about issues around consent and the reasons for Kitty starting ConsentCulture.com.    Kitty spoke about how hard it is for people to take responsibility and then look at changing behaviour.  She spoke about the problems in the alternative sexuality communities when consent violations occur.  Often calling the police makes things worse as the police are not necessarily friendly to kinky, LGBT or people of colour.  She spoke about the need for communities to come up with a clear plan to resolve these situations that don’t simply involve calling someone out and then isolating that person from the community.

We spoke about how hard it can be to give proper consent when alcohol or drugs are involved.

Kitty advises people to consider if they are willing to go to jail for the person and the activity they are about to undertake.  She highlights the fact that we all make mistakes in this area and violate consent.  It may be as simple as hugging an acquaintance who didn’t want to be hugged or as serious as rape.  We spoke about how it can be hard to draw your own boundaries and how this can be especially difficult if you are involved in power exchange.

Kitty spoke about the reasons that people don’t use a safe word even when they should and said that she had done some research that found that often women refuse to do so because they want to please a partner and men are more likely to just want to be seen as tough.  She spoke about sitting down and actually looking at how her boundaries had been violated over the years and how she had just brushed this off rather than dealing with the issues.  We spoke about things like playing in a public situation and how difficult it is for people to find a way to protect themselves without feeling like they are causing drama in public.

We spoke about the trauma that perpetrators experience and the fact that they too need help to resolve any shame and guilt.

Kitty highlighted that when we talk about consent in sexual relationships it is only an opening conversation to discussing all the places in which we need to think about boundaries and consent in society.  She highlighted things like consent in medical situations, and where information is shared, and education.

Kitty’s book will come out in October.  If you want to pre-order, here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Building-Consent-Kitty-Stryker/dp/1944934251/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497383382&sr=8-1&keywords=ask+building+consent+culture

The website for the book is https://consentculture.com/

Website where stories have been gathered about consent to help deepen understanding https://medium.com/consent-culture-a-conversation

Website Link
http://kittystryker.com/

Facebook link
https://www.facebook.com/officiallykittystryker/

twitter link
https://twitter.com/kittystryker

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.  If there was something you didn’t like, tell me that too! Follow me on twitter @drbisbey, Instagram @drbisbey and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and leave a review on iTunes.  If you want more information, sign up for my newsletter here. I look forward to seeing you next week for part two of risk assessment in relationships.

 

 

Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the reality of 50 Shades Part 3

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship. Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. We have been delving deep into these areas for the past two episodes. Quick recap: For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged.

Joining me today to continue the discussion are Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who have the House of Kemi-Nesew. They are both lifestyle dominants for more than the past 15 years.

First I asked them to describe what a dominant couple led household looks like.

They both emphasised that it requires one vision and that they discuss things together and lead from there.  We spoke about the difference between this type of household and one where there is a dominant at the top and a switch (someone who is dominant sometimes and submissive others) next and others underneath. Pharaoh highlighted that this is still a single led household so one person is responsible for all final decisions. They pointed out that they are able to support each other because they both have the same vision even to the point of one stepping in during a scene if the other is finding energy a bit low.

We highlighted the fact that service to a couple is not only possible but can be very rewarding. It can be a bit complicated but certainly isn’t too complicated to work.  They spoke of wanting people who are clear they are submissive to both of them and that they will be taking direction from both of them and wanting people who are already adults and handle their own lives. They are not interested in total power exchange at this time as it is far too much energy and they have a child at home and don’t want to be overt in front of their child.

We talked about the fact that some people are completely out in front of their children and the details of their lives are clear and that many of us feel that we don’t want to give our children too much information as we want them to enjoy their childhoods without having to think about things they are not yet ready to deal with.

We spoke about the joys in having someone who has a high level of congruence to share the head of household with and that communication is essential to making these relationships work.

They pointed out that people who are new to this type of relationship benefit from having mentors and that even experienced folk find benefit in having a mentor to talk through difficult bits of relationships with. Pharoah pointed out that lifestyle and kinky relationships require putting all your cards on the table immediately so that people know what they are getting into and that there is lots of conversation and negotiation early on whereas vanilla relationships tend to build slowly and often people find themselves emotionally committed before really knowing each other.

We spoke about the desire for love and thinking that you can only love one person at a time being one of the problems that dominants are presented with and that many people enter this new type of relationship with the patterns from their old relationships still in place. Many are looking for husbands or wives and just substitute Master or Mistress as the terms they use. This does not work well.  We ended with encouragement to consider this lifestyle and to approach a dominant couple.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go here I look forward to seeing you next week

 

 

BDSM and Power Exchange Part 1

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.

Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship.

Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. In the next four episodes of Sex Spoken Here we will delve deep into these areas. For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged.

Joining me to start our discussion into these areas and to delve into some of the theory is Dr Kevin Boileau, psychoanalyst and philosopher to speak on this topic. It’s good to see you Dr Boileau.

We started by introducing the topics of power exchange, BDSM and power dynamics in relationships.

Of the many points made,  one of the most important was that in order to explore these areas , a person needs to be self-aware and to take responsibility with a capital R (for self and for other).

Dr Boileau spoke about the different forms of power and how power is a part of all aspects of our lives.  He spoke about the creativity involved in deciding to explore power exchange and BDSM in a committed relationship or even in a shorter term relationship and that this creativity creates a space for growth.  He spoke of the importance of creating a safe space and also recognition that for some people entering into this type of exploration can be a negative experience.

Dr Boileau pointed out that the concept of sadomasochism is a complex one. He highlighted that there are true sadists with varying levels of psychopathology who simply enjoy hurting others and that there are also masochists who gain enjoy pain in unhealthy ways.

We talked about the level of responsibility if you are entering into a consensual power exchange and that it means that a person has to consider more about what they are actually agreeing to do and so often paves the way for growth.

We spoke of the shame that can be involved in trying to talk about these very intimate issues and for some people there is shame in even thinking about these things and how much easier it can be if there is a third person present, often a professional, to help make it safer to explore and experience and express the feelings that come with intimacy and being creative around intimate behaviour.

This was very much an introduction to terms with definitions of bondage, discipline and sadomasochism, power and power dynamics. In the next episode, we delve deeper into some of the theory relating to these types of roles, relationships and lifestlyes and provide more concrete specific examples.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week