Podcasts about kink, spicing up your relationship, relighting your fire, exploration

Vibrators

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am starting a series on sex toys.  In this series, I’m going to look at different types of sex toys and provide some interesting reviews, sourcing information and stories from friends and clients.

When I was first learning about sex, the only sex toy I heard about was a vibrator.  I remember my first vibrator.  I was in my mid-teens and it was the mid 70’s and I got it from a seedy sex shop in a town near where I lived.  I smuggled it into my house and then hid it in my room.    It was about 8 inches long and made of hard off white plastic.  The first two inches or so were smooth but the rest were ribbed.    It was awful.   I tried to use it a few times but I found it alternately painful and annoying.    It put me off vibrators for more than 15 years.

The next sex toy I became acquainted with was a pair of gold plated handcuffs that a boyfriend had engraved.  I still have these to this day 37 years later.  These were lots of fun but they are also not the standard sex toy.

I finally found vibrators that I could (and do) enjoy.  It has taken me time to explore sex toys both alone and with partners.  I have tried lots of vibrators and have reviews from friends, lovers and clients of a variety of vibrators.   I have played with anal plugs of many types.  And since I enjoy BDSM, I have tried many types of implements from feathers through to bull whips.  I have tried a variety of electrical toys (violet wand, estim and tens machines).  I’ve used dildos and strap-on belts.

Let’s start with vibrators as these are the most popular toys.  There are many different kind of vibrators.  Some vibrators are meant for penetrating the vagina other to use on the clitoris and others to put between partners and stimulate them both and still others are designed for the ass.  Nowadays, vibrators come in plethora of shapes and sizes.    Some are controlled by iPhone apps, some have tons of speeds, others a variety of programmes that cover speed and intensity.

Women’s favourites:

Number 1 at the moment is a relative newcomer called Eva which is made by Dame Products.  Eva is a hands free vibrator that has wings that tuck under the labia majora giving clitoral stimulation without having to hold it in place.  It’s texture is lovely. It’s made of smooth silicon.  Linda says ‘It’s my little friend.  I really can walk around with it in and driving me wild but not for too long because I come really quickly using this toy.’

Number 2 is the Rabbit which stimulates the clitoris and is inserted in the vagina at the same time.  This is the vibrator that was talked about (and shown) on Sex in the City.  It has been around for ages.  Some women are put off by the colour (purple) and the little rabbit who stimulates the clitoris.  Don’t let that put you off.  It is one of the toys of it’s type and can give you the experience of orgasm while being penetrated if you haven’t been able to do this before.

Number 3: Hitachi Magic Wand.  This was number 1 for years.  The power is what makes it so incredible.   Over the years this is the vibrator that I have heard the most feedback about.  Clients talk about the power and the fact that it can be used for actual massage because it is strong enough.   Jenny says that she couldn’t survive without her Hitachi.  She told me that she was unable to have an orgasm until she discovered the Hitachi and that she uses it on her own and with her girlfriend.  She said she has tried smaller clitoral vibrators but that none of them have been as good as the Hitachi.

Number 4 Lamorouse Rosa vibrator has two motors.  The one at the base vibrates the whole genital area adding to the intensity of everything.  Martha loves the whole construction of it, the smoothness, the colour (She has cerise) and the reach.  ‘It hits my g-spot just right to get me flowing and if I keep going I will always squirt’.

Number 5 Lelo’s Smart Wands are divine.  The silicon texture combined with metal.  The medium one could be insertable.  I suppose the large one could be too but I certainly would find it difficult.

Number 6 Lelo’s Siri 2 is sound responsive and very powerful.  8 settings that are inspired by music and then the option to just follow any beat you choose including the sound of your lover’s voice.    As like Lelo’s other products, smooth and well made.    Greg loves to use this on his lover.  He says ‘I enjoy the responsiveness and choosing the rhythms, watching Leslie’s responses and building her pleasure.   And it isn’t just for women.  The feel of it under and behind my balls is incredible.’

Couples Favourites:

Number 1: The Eva.  It fits so well for some people that it creates so many possibilities.  In some positions, it will also stimulate the penis during sex.  For two women together it can be held in place in between them in just the right way to get both of them moaning.

Number 2: We Vibe.  There are lots of iterations of this vibrator.    We Vibe 4 has an app called we connect and talks about couples connecting no matter where they are.  Part of the vibrator is inserted in the vagina and the other part presses on the clitoris.  So the vibrator can hit the g – spot and vibrate his penis while they are having intercourse as well as stimulating her clitoris.  If you are having trouble visualising, the company gives you a very straight forward visual here.

Vibrators for men:

Many men who use vibrators enjoy them for prostate stimulation.

Number 1 Nexus G Play medium.  This is silicone and feels nice.  The size makes it a good toy for both men and women.

Number 2 The Rocks Off Rude Boy.  This C shaped massager is for hands-free use.  You can rock back and forth.  It is a little larger than some of the others but the men I have spoken to who have used this one love the full feeling.

Number 3 Rocks Off Butt Boy is butt plug shaped.    Lots of guys enjoy the butt plug shape and so find this an easier toy to start with.

A few tips about using vibrators:

First safety:  Use condoms if you are going to share your toy with anyone.  If you are planning on moving your toy from vagina to rectum, use two condoms.  Penetrating the vagina after the rectum leads to infections.

Second make sure to check out intensity levels when you are considering direct stimulation on sensitive areas, like the clitoris.  Sometimes that can feel painful and put someone off.

Third, use lots of lube.  Check to make sure the lube you are using is not going to cause a problem with your vibrator (or with condoms).    For example using silicone lube on silicone toys can cause a kind of melting together of the two which will leave the surface of the toy pitted or mottled.    Water based lubricants are the best for silicone toys.  For condoms, water based or silicone based lube is best.

There are some new variations on the vibrator.  The first is the Womanizer which uses suction and air around the clitoris to arouse and bring on orgasm.  The reviews for this toy are pretty good all around.  Women talk about how quickly they reach orgasm and how reliably.  Megan told me that she was able to have multiple orgasms for the first time using the Womanizer.   She describes it as a ‘fucking miracle’.

There is a variation on this toy which is called the Fiera.  This one is targeted at women who have trouble with arousal or are suffering from low libido.  The toy’s aim is to create quick arousal.    It creates suction on the vulva and around the clitoris uses ‘light stimulation and gentle suction’ to increase blood flow leading to quick and often intense arousal.  There are silicone rings to create the suction and these must be replaced every 7 – 10 uses.  There are two styles of rings and most people find one that works better for them.  There is one version with a remote and another without.   The beauty of this device is that it is hands free.  Once you are ‘warmed up’, you remove the device and continue with your partner.  Reviews are mixed with most people complaining that the rings wear out too quickly and some complaining that it doesn’t do as much as they thought it would do.  I have not had any clients who have tried this yet.  Beth said ‘It is very expensive ($249 with remote) and I didn’t know if it was going to work.  I wasn’t willing to spend that much without knowing’.   Some women are reporting increased desire though and that is well worth the price.

The Crescendo by Mystery vibe is a vibrator that is mouldable so it can fit lots of places and apparently do many interesting things.  There is a smart app that goes with it. I haven’t yet had the chance to try one out and my clients have not yet either.  So far, there are good reviews.

There is also the Finn by Dame Products which is a vibrator that sits between two fingers and can be used many places.  It is very flexible and very versatile.   Richard says ‘The Finn is exceptional.  It is so small and neat so it’s easy to transport.   I like to start with it behind her ears and then down her neck.  By the time I get to her clitoris, she is really close to coming.’  The Finn can help with multiple orgasms.  The intensity level can be manipulated and the smooth silicon is easy on the body.

Vibrators have come a long way since my first experiences and indeed since the steam vibrator called the Manipulator was first released by Dr George Taylor in 1869 and then the electromechanical ones in the late 1800s by Dr Joseph Mortimer Granville.  They were originally developed because a major treatment for hysteria (an anxiety disorder) in women was for the doctor to stimulate a woman’s clitoris until she reached orgasm and their hands got tired!  At that time, the doctors did not believe that women had sexual desire or pleasure.  These women complained to doctors of anxiety, sleeplessness, irritability and also feelings of heaviness in the lower abdomen and wetness between the legs as well as erotic fantasies.  These symptoms became known as hysteria (which comes from the Greek word for uterus).   In fact, this was sexual frustration.  The treatment became hand jobs from the doctors.  When the women had orgasms, their symptoms were relieved.  Of course these were not called orgasms because at the time it was thought women had no sexual feelings.  By the early 19th century this was an acceptable popular treatment but led to cramped hands and fingers for the doctors, hence the invention of the vibrator.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week when I will be looking at dildos and butt plugs in part two of this series on sex toys.

BDSM & Power Exchange Practicalities

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Last week I explored the practicalities for beginning to explore BDSM and Power Exchange.  This week I explore basic rules for events and resources for BDSM online and in the community.    If you haven’t heard the first four of the BDSM and Power Exchange Series, I suggest you download them.  The first two include interviews with Dr Kevin Boileau and cover some of the theory and emotional issues, the third in the series includes an interview with Pharoah Khaf Ra and Empress Nahara who are a lifestyle dominant couple and last week I started with practicalities like figuring out if you are dominant or submissive.

I have talked about getting ready to step out and explore BDSM and power exchange whether you are doing it in private or in public.    But many people have no idea where to begin to look to meet people, for events or for clothing and accessories.

First I want to highlight that you don’t need to spend lots of money on special clothing and toys.

Most events have a dress code but most of them also will accept scant clothing (as close to nakedness as is legal in that jurisdiction) or being dressed all in black.   The dress code is supposed to encourage people to make an effort to get involved, look and feel sexy and to discourage those people who come along to gawk.  Gawking is different from watching when you are a proper voyeur.  Gawking is when someone comes to watch all the strange people and has no intention of getting involved in any way and when someone doesn’t observe basic courtesy either.

Basic courtesy includes:

Don’t interfere in someone else’s scene.  If they are doing something you find interesting, watch from an appropriate distance.  That means don’t watch from 2 inches away.  I was once involved in a scene with a woman where I was performing oral sex on her and a man came and sat so close too watch that his face was almost between my mouth and her pussy.  He was told very firmly to move away.  When people are using floggers, whips and canes if you get within the circle of the stroke you will get injured and really annoy the person who is doing the beating.  Also, when people are in a scene, it creates a bubble and they are likely to be unaware of the outside world.  When someone blunders in, they break the bubble and the distraction can ruin the entire scene because it interrupts the energy flow.  Energy builds in a scene to a peak just like it does in sex when it builds to orgasm.

No means no. Just because someone is at a public event does not mean they are there to play with everyone.  If someone says no, please respect it.

Observe protocols.  Even if you find it strange to have to ask someone’s Master or Mistress to talk with them, please follow their protocols.  It is a means of demonstrating respect.  You can ask about reasons or the origins of the protocol but ultimately following it is the best way to show respect.

Don’t spend time talking or asking questions in active areas of play.  This disrupts the energy and disrupts the scene.  There are usually conversation areas and people are usually happy to answer questions after the scene.  Remember that after care is part of the scene.

Don’t make assumptions about role, gender, sexuality, sexual orientation.  Ask instead of assuming.

Where to meet people online:

There are lots of resources to meet people online.  Fetlife.com  is a social media site for people who like fetishes including BDSM and power exchange.  There are lots of different groups once you have joined.  You can join a group for events near your location to find out who might be close by.  You make a profile and people can search profiles in a number of ways, send emails and reach out to you via the groups you join.

OK Cupid! has a large number of people who enjoy kink and BDSM.  You make a profile there in the same way you would on any other dating site.

Facebook:  There are lots of BDSM and power exchange related Facebook groups.  Some are secret.  Others are just private.  Check group rules to see if looking to meet people is OK.

Fester.com  is relatively new and apparently most folk are 30 or under.

Collarspace.com  is mostly for hook ups.  Reviews are very mixed.

BDSM.com is a space for talking about things as well as hooking up.

Chained.org is site for meeting folks.

Where to meet people offline besides events and parties:

Going to a local munch is a great way to meet people in your area.  Munches are usually held monthly in a restaurant or pub.  People come dressed in normal clothing and are usually welcoming to newcomers. You can find munches listed on places like FetLife.com.

There are fetish markets in many cities.  London, UK has one every month.  There are lots of items for sale, usually short presentations and stage shows and lots of space to mingle and meet folk.  There is also usually a play party afterwards and the ticket prices are reasonable.

Finding toys and supplies:

For bondage using rope:

There are lots of online sites.  I recommend checking out

https://www.twistedmonk.com

This is the best site for different types of rope, rope care, how to videos etc.

http://www.esinem-rope.com

Excellent UK site for rope, tutorial DVDs.

If you want to learn to make your own tools and toys:

Check out the blogs on Kinkly.com

For floggers, whips, restraints:

http://www.detailstoys.com

http://www.whipsbywolf.com/handmade-leather-floggers/

For gay men – hard core toys

https://www.regulation-london.com

Get recommendations from people you meet at events.

Of course you need not spend much money at all.  There are many ‘pervertables’ in most homes.  A pervertable is something that is ordinary that you can turn to a kinky purpose.

For example: Belts are extremely pervertable to use for a beating.  You can use wooden spoons (ouch!), spatulas.  Lots of things in the kitchen are pervertable.

For restraints you can use ties, belts, scarves.

For blindfolds – ties, scarves.

It’s easy to go wild and spend a fortune on beautiful toys and restraints and then rarely use them.  I recommend starting with pervertables and then making the purchase of any tools or toys something that you do with lots of thought.  Pick out one or two special pieces.

Clothing

Fetish clothing varies depending upon your interests and roles.  Leather can be used for a variety of things.  Some people love the feel, touch and smell of leather.  There is also the leather lifestyle.  People who identify as part of the leather lifestyle are engaged in power exchange relationships (often Master/slave or Mistress/slave) and follow certain codes.  Most codes include honor, honesty, respect) and most observe a variety of rituals.  Leather for these people is not only sexy and hot but is earned and a means of recognising service.    Some people like the feel of rubber or latex.

For latex clothing:

http://www.houseofharlot.com

https://www.pandoradeluxe.com

https://www.atsukokudo.com/Home/

For leather:

http://www.fetishwear.com/Welcome.htm

http://www.leatheraddicts.com

https://www.mr-s-leather.com

Good informational sites

Jack Rinella’s Leather Views – leatherviews.com

Jack Rinella is a free lance author and leather man.  He has written a number of well respected books on various aspects of leather and BDSM.

Race Bannon’s site : bannon.com Race Bannon along with Guy Baldwin, MS co-founded Kink Aware Professionals which is a list of helping professionals and legal professionals who are kink aware.  He has spoken at over 400 events, is a founder and board member of a number of leather associations.

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom http://ncsfreedom.org

Planet Midori http://www.planetmidori.com  She is a most amazing person and author who has expertise in bondage and power exchange.

Society of Janus is San Francisco based and is an organisation that offers BDSM education and support. https://soj.org

Carter Johnson Leather Library http://leatherlibrary.org

An amazing collection of leather history, reading materials covering kink, BDSM, LGBTQ.

Leather Archives and Museum  Incredible collection also ‘dedicated to compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather, kink and fetish lifestyles.’ http://www.leatherarchives.org

http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgs.html

They keep listings for BDSM and power exchange groups

Exploration is designed to be fun.  It is more likely to be so if you remember some basic rules.

Keep yourself safe  New things are really exciting and this stuff can be even more exciting than most new things.  Don’t let the excitement make you forget our basic safety rules.  If you have just met someone online, don’t give them too much personal information.    If you are arranging to meet for the first time, do it in a public place and let people know where you are going.    If you feel something is off, trust your gut and leave.    Don’t talk yourself out of trusting your gut because you think you need to give people second chances.    Don’t meet people at your home and don’t go to their home alone until you are sure that they are safe.  Avoid taking recreational drugs.  Making clear choices is important when you are playing in areas that are risky.  Keep your head clear so you will make good choices.  Limit your alcohol consumption for the same reason.  I choose not to drink and play and I prefer to play with people who are sober.

Pace yourself.  Don’t try to do everything at once.  Take your time and savour the experience.  Give yourself the space to process your experience afterwards and make sure you have support for when you need it.

Remember your social skills.  Use your best social skills – be polite, friendly, listen lots.  Sometimes people get so excited they forget!

Understand consent and apply it properly.    Don’t touch anyone without getting consent first.  This includes spontaneous hugs, putting your hand on someone’s shoulder.   Understand that people in this world can have different protocols.  Some are very strict.  Don’t assume that everyone will engage with you.  Some people may not be free to do so.  Don’t speak to someone else’s partner without checking first.  If you can’t check and you don’t get a response, don’t assume the person is being rude.  They may not be allowed to talk with anyone.  Think of it like meeting a monk or nun who is under a vow of silence.

Take the time to learn how to do things properly.  Many activities that you will engage in if you are exploring BDSM and power exchange will involve an increased level of risk.  If you don’t learn how to do things properly, you have a high risk of injuring yourself or someone else.    There are two acronyms regularly used by people who engage in BDSM to describe risk.  The first is Safe, Sane and Consensual.  People who work to this protocol do things in the safest way possible, they don’t take short-cuts and highlight consent.  The second is Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  These folks highlight the fact that all activities have risk and that you must be aware of the risk level of things you are choosing to engage in.  They also highlight consent.

Finally, maximise enjoyment.  Do everything you can to raise the probability that you will have a brilliant time.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe!  The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources.  Join me next week when I will be starting a series on sex toys.

BDSM & Power Exchange Practicalities

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Thanks for joining me for part 4 of this series on BDSM and Power Exchange.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

In parts 1-3 of this series we examined BDSM and power exchange from a number of angles.  This week, I look at the practicalities for getting started if BDSM and power exchange turn you on.

I will start with things everyone needs to consider whether partnered or un-partnered.  Then I will give specifics for singles.  I will follow this with specifics for couples.

Where to start?  You might want to grab something to write with and some paper now.

Some people believe they need to work out every detail before actually leaving the house.  Not only isn’t this a good idea but it isn’t possible.  You won’t know exactly what you will enjoy until you have begun to experiment.  I advise not to think in terms of NEVER or ALWAYS.  Even some hard limits may shift after some time.    However, it is a good idea to have an idea of your current limits, interests and desires.

Start with the shape of your relationship.  If you are single, decide if you are looking for one person or people to experiment with, or if you are looking for one relationship that will include BDSM as part of the relationship or more than one relationship (and if only one or more than one will include BDSM).  If you are partnered, are you going to involve anyone else in your exploration of BDSM and power exchange?

Next consider whether you are going to explore in public venues or in private on your own or both.  Many people enjoy going to public venues (like Torture Garden in London, UK) or private parties (which are still public as you are playing in the presence of other people) or at public events (like Weekend Reunion in New Jersey in the US every August or Master slave Conference which happens annually in the Washington DC area usually Labor Day weekend).  Some people prefer to experiment on their own at home and not to attend any events.   There are pros and cons to both.

Pros to going to events where there are other people present:

You can meet people who you might want to play with.

Events are a good place to connect with others who may share your interests and desires.  Meeting people in person is still the best way to figure out if you are compatible and also to get a sense of trustworthiness.  Most of us get gut feelings when we meet people and if we feel uncomfortable can walk away from any potential relationship right then.    Meeting people online can be useful but until you make contact face to face, you won’t truly know if there is any chance of things progressing.  Some events have only a few attendees and others have thousands.

You can meet people who you might wish to learn from.

Experienced people often attend public events and that gives newer people the opportunity to watch them and also to learn from them.  Sometimes you can get actual instruction and other times the opportunity to arrange a time to learn from them.    It is a good idea to get some hands on instruction to learn things like flogging, using a single tail whip or bullwhip, suspension bondage, needle play or any kind of edge play.  There are many other things where you can benefit from instruction.

You can enjoy watching others play.

Watching others play is really hot.  It gives you the opportunity to see a variety of activities which will help you to decide if that is something you might want to try.  Sometimes watching helps people to eliminate activities as well.

You can enjoy being watched by others.

Some people get really turned on by having others watching them.  Parties are great places to indulge in exhibitionism that doesn’t put you at risk of being caught and arrested.  (Or at least drastically lowers the risk)

You can socialise with people who share your interests.

Parties and events are great places to socialise with people who also enjoy BDSM and power exchange.  For people who are in the closet amongst most if not all of their family and friends, these spaces are the only places where they can truly be out and congruent with all parts of themselves visible.  Of course just because you enjoy BDSM doesn’t mean you will have lots of other things in common.

 

Cons of going to events where there are other people present:

You will be visible.

Events where there are other people mean that you will be visible.  If you are worried about running into people who may not approve of what you are doing, this could be a reason not to play in public.

Events cost money and can be expensive.

Most parties and events cost some money to cover the cost of the venue, safe sex supplies, dungeon furniture, event insurance and any refreshments.

You might not feel you fit in.

Some events have cliques.  Some events have very few LGBTQ people.  Others have few POC (people of colour).  The first event my husband and I attended we didn’t feel we fit in terribly well.  There were almost no POC present and there were no other interracial couples.

Sex during a scene may be off limits.  Look for sex positive events if you want to integrate penetrative sex into a scene.

Pros to experimenting alone

Things are completely private between you and your partner.  This can increase intimacy.

You can have full penetrative sex during your scene if you wish.

At many events, full nudity is prohibited and full penetrative sex is prohibited either for legal reasons or because it is a rule of the event.

Cons of experimenting in private only:

When things go wrong, there is no one to get advice from.

If you are new to all of this, it can be really helpful to have someone experienced around in case something doesn’t go to plan.

Now consider who is going to be in charge?  How do you want to shape your power exchange?

If you are single:

What role are you most drawn to?  Have you always wanted to call the shots and be in control?  If so, you may be dominant.  Would you love to be able to surrender to someone else for a change?  If so, you may be submissive.

Do you feel equally drawn to both roles or is your desire dependent upon who you are interested in playing with?  If so, you may be a switch.

If you are partnered:

Many couples fall into natural roles before they decide to experiment with power exchange.  These may be the roles they adopt when they start experimenting but they are not always.  Talk through who would like to be in control, who would like to surrender.  Consider service.  While some dominants enjoy service – they enjoy giving the submissive what will make them happy, many prefer to be served.     It may be that you both feel you could be in either role and enjoy it and then you can work out switching and talk about who will be in charge when.

Sometimes both partners feel strongly that they are dominant or that they are submissive.  When this is the case, they usually find they wish to look for someone else to take the other power role as in the last podcast when I spoke to Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who are a dominant couple.

Next the activities you are interested in:

It is a good idea to make a list of all the things that turn you on and that you might want to try at some point.  When you have finished this list, it is a good idea to make a list of things you absolutely don’t want to try.  These are the things you may consider your hard limits.

If you are single, have this list to hand when you meet someone you might want to play with as you will refer to it as you negotiate.

Pick a few things that you would like to try first.  It’s a good idea to have the things you start with be entry level things.  For example, if you have never experienced any pain during sex and you are in the submissive role, don’t start with whipping with a bullwhip.    Instead, if pain appeals to you, start with a light flogging or light spanking.    Don’t forget service activities like giving a foot massage, bringing drinks and snacks and serving them to the person who is in the dominant role.  Ask the person who you think you want to play with what they like for service.

If you are partnered:

Set aside some time and share your lists with each other.  Be clear about hard limits first.   Then look at the things that you might want to try.  Consider entry level activities first: various types of service, if you are looking at using pain consider light spankings or light floggings.    Consider things that demonstrate that the dominant is in charge like binding the submissive’s hands or having the submissive kneel or sit at the dominant’s feet.

Both single and partnered need to consider if you are going to include sexual activities integrated in the BDSM and power exchange.  Some people do not at all though orgasm can occur as part of the power exchange activities (for example during a flogging).  Orgasm is often controlled by the dominant person and can be used as a reward for performing service or taking pain.  If you are going to include sexual activities, consider the context.  If you are not, consider when you will engage in sexual activities after the BDSM session.

Single and partnered:

Now you have done most of the pre-planning, the next step is planning.

If you have decided to attend a public event, pick the event and get in contact with the organisers.  It’s useful to request a list of rules and expectations and check the prices.

Pick out the clothing you will wear.  Most events have a dress code and this usually requires fetish clothing or all black clothing.  No jeans allowed.  In the next podcast I will cover resources for finding events, clothing and accessories.

If you are single:

Consider how you will deal with approaches from people who want to play with you.  Do you want to just observe the first time you go to an event?  If you decide you will play if asked, do you want to limit your activities to the event?

If you are playing with someone, make sure to arrange a safeword.  This is a word that stops the action when it is said.  If this new person does not want to use a safe word – walk away.  Lots of people choose not to use safe words but this is usually when they know people reasonably well so that they can read each other.

It is important to consider if you will leave the party with someone you meet or not. If you are going to do so, please tell someone you know where you are going and have them make a safe call to you .

A safe call is when you arrange for a friend to telephone you to make sure that you are safe.  You pick a phrase that will tell a friend that you are not safe and to call the police.  Make the phrase something that will sound normal in the course of a brief conversation.  For example, you could say ‘I am having a good time’ or ‘thanks for calling’.  Whatever you choose, make sure it isn’t something you are likely to say by accident if you are really excited and having a great time.  The last thing you need is the police showing up when nothing is wrong!    Make sure your phone is accessible and can be heard because if you don’t answer, your friend will send the police and there will be lots of embarrassing explaining.  You should arrange a safe call any time you are engaging in BDSM with someone you don’t know well.  Work out what you will do for after care.  After care is important as BDSM and power exchange sessions can touch off intense emotions.  Adrenalin can run high and after you pump out lots of it, you will have a physiological drop so it is important to plan for this.  Quiet cuddle time usually works well as after care.  But keep in mind that drop may not occur immediately so if you are feeing suddenly emotional 48 hours later, make time for each other or make time  to look after yourself.

If you are partnered:

Are you playing with anyone else?  What kind of scene do you want to engage in?  Will you bring any toys with you?  Talk about all of these things before heading to the event.  It is a good idea to have a safe word when you are a beginning player even if you are playing with a partner you know well because you haven’t engaged in this type of activity before you won’t necessarily be able to read them when it comes to BDSM.  Make sure you agree that you will leave when one of you wants to leave so that there is no argument during the evening.  Work out what you will do for after care.  After care is important as BDSM and power exchange sessions can touch off intense emotions.  Adrenalin can run high and after you pump out lots of it, you will have a physiological drop so it is important to plan for this.  Quiet cuddle time usually works well as after care.  But keep in mind that drop may not occur immediately so if you are feeing suddenly emotional 48 hours later, make time for each other or make time to look after yourself.

Building anticipation

In the lead up to the event, you may find that anticipation is building.  This is great when the event itself is all you hoped it would be.  If the event turns out to be bad or a drag, it can be an even bigger let down because of the built up anticipation.  At those times, remind yourself that this isn’t the only time you will try something and that you learn from everything you try.  Then see if you can find the things that are positive you can pull from the experience.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe!  The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources.  I look forward to seeing you next week for part 5 of this series when we will cover resources so you can connect with other players, find events, find clothing, accessories and erotica.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the reality of 50 Shades Part 3

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship. Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. We have been delving deep into these areas for the past two episodes. Quick recap: For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged.

Joining me today to continue the discussion are Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who have the House of Kemi-Nesew. They are both lifestyle dominants for more than the past 15 years.

First I asked them to describe what a dominant couple led household looks like.

They both emphasised that it requires one vision and that they discuss things together and lead from there.  We spoke about the difference between this type of household and one where there is a dominant at the top and a switch (someone who is dominant sometimes and submissive others) next and others underneath. Pharaoh highlighted that this is still a single led household so one person is responsible for all final decisions. They pointed out that they are able to support each other because they both have the same vision even to the point of one stepping in during a scene if the other is finding energy a bit low.

We highlighted the fact that service to a couple is not only possible but can be very rewarding. It can be a bit complicated but certainly isn’t too complicated to work.  They spoke of wanting people who are clear they are submissive to both of them and that they will be taking direction from both of them and wanting people who are already adults and handle their own lives. They are not interested in total power exchange at this time as it is far too much energy and they have a child at home and don’t want to be overt in front of their child.

We talked about the fact that some people are completely out in front of their children and the details of their lives are clear and that many of us feel that we don’t want to give our children too much information as we want them to enjoy their childhoods without having to think about things they are not yet ready to deal with.

We spoke about the joys in having someone who has a high level of congruence to share the head of household with and that communication is essential to making these relationships work.

They pointed out that people who are new to this type of relationship benefit from having mentors and that even experienced folk find benefit in having a mentor to talk through difficult bits of relationships with. Pharoah pointed out that lifestyle and kinky relationships require putting all your cards on the table immediately so that people know what they are getting into and that there is lots of conversation and negotiation early on whereas vanilla relationships tend to build slowly and often people find themselves emotionally committed before really knowing each other.

We spoke about the desire for love and thinking that you can only love one person at a time being one of the problems that dominants are presented with and that many people enter this new type of relationship with the patterns from their old relationships still in place. Many are looking for husbands or wives and just substitute Master or Mistress as the terms they use. This does not work well.  We ended with encouragement to consider this lifestyle and to approach a dominant couple.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go here I look forward to seeing you next week

 

 

Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the

reality of 50 Shades Part 2

Welcome to my virtual therapy room! I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. As this podcast contains adult material, if you don’t have total privacy you might want to wear headphones.
Today we are continuing our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship. If you have not heard part one, please go and download it from iTunes of
.
Last week we focused on some definitions and an introductory discussion around where we found power dynamics, power exchange and BDSM. Joining me to start our discussion into these areas and to delve into
some of the theory is Dr Kevin Boileau, psychoanalyst andphilosopher to speak on this topic.

We started by talking about reflection and Dr Boileau made the point that there is direct reflection where you think about your thoughts and a pre-reflective and preconscious space where you act on intuition and there is flow and spontaneity.

We spoke about this being so especially when you are exploring anything that involves extreme motivation as sexuality does. Dr Boileau spoke of the daimonic which can turn demonic -aggressive and violent without responsibility or be open to experience, responsible and eros-laden.

We spoke about normative sexual relationships as being dictated by culture, family upbringing and Dr Boileau adds corporatized and dictated by a patriarchal capitalist structure. He describes these as
very routinized relationships and spoke of the structure coming from the 9 to 5 job, Monday to Friday with family obligations at weekends. And that people who step out of this mold can find themselves
shamed.
We spoke about people who explore this type of sexuality as having higher levels of awareness and empathy with a willingness to listen and the interrelational exploration increasing empathy and ability to
communicate.

We then moved on to talk about power more directly.

Dr Boileau highlighted that in the old days power was seen as a thing where as now it is described relationally. So we would look at power as a strategic and tactical relationship and that
describes your place in the dynamic and your ability to make an impact on those around you in a variety of circumstances.
Dr Boileau then went on to say that people who enter in to this exploration have a moral obligation to do it in a way that does not harm psychologically and that this is why it is important to learn
from those who are more experienced. He spoke about the need for people to reflect so that they are not simply acting on impulses saying they need to be in charge of themselves. Then we discussed
the value in having a mentor.

We spoke about the shame people can experience when they engage in something that normative society doesn’t overtly sanction and also how people can feel shame if they are in a committed relationships and they wish to explore but their partner does not.

We spoke of the difficulty couples have when one person grows and changes and said that sometimes the other person may find it hard to support the growth as they are scared of losing their partner
because they do not recognise this person as the one they fell in love with. We agreed that speaking with a psychotherapist who has expertise in working with these areas or a sex coach with expertise in
these areas is important and can make the difference between weathering the difficult patch and creating something great together and the relationship ending.
At the end of the show, I suggested that the next time we talk, we discuss why people would want to engage in BDSM or power exchange as I am often asked this question. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions
you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that
says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week for part 3 of the series when I speak with Pharoah Khaf-Ra and Empress Nahara, a dominant couple.

BDSM and Power Exchange Part 1

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.

Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship.

Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. In the next four episodes of Sex Spoken Here we will delve deep into these areas. For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged.

Joining me to start our discussion into these areas and to delve into some of the theory is Dr Kevin Boileau, psychoanalyst and philosopher to speak on this topic. It’s good to see you Dr Boileau.

We started by introducing the topics of power exchange, BDSM and power dynamics in relationships.

Of the many points made,  one of the most important was that in order to explore these areas , a person needs to be self-aware and to take responsibility with a capital R (for self and for other).

Dr Boileau spoke about the different forms of power and how power is a part of all aspects of our lives.  He spoke about the creativity involved in deciding to explore power exchange and BDSM in a committed relationship or even in a shorter term relationship and that this creativity creates a space for growth.  He spoke of the importance of creating a safe space and also recognition that for some people entering into this type of exploration can be a negative experience.

Dr Boileau pointed out that the concept of sadomasochism is a complex one. He highlighted that there are true sadists with varying levels of psychopathology who simply enjoy hurting others and that there are also masochists who gain enjoy pain in unhealthy ways.

We talked about the level of responsibility if you are entering into a consensual power exchange and that it means that a person has to consider more about what they are actually agreeing to do and so often paves the way for growth.

We spoke of the shame that can be involved in trying to talk about these very intimate issues and for some people there is shame in even thinking about these things and how much easier it can be if there is a third person present, often a professional, to help make it safer to explore and experience and express the feelings that come with intimacy and being creative around intimate behaviour.

This was very much an introduction to terms with definitions of bondage, discipline and sadomasochism, power and power dynamics. In the next episode, we delve deeper into some of the theory relating to these types of roles, relationships and lifestlyes and provide more concrete specific examples.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week