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Sex Spoken Here: Risk Assessment Part 3

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am finishing my series about risk assessment in relationships.

We assess risks all the time.  Once we reach adulthood, we do most of our risk assessment without thinking.  When you are driving, you assess the risk of driving at a particular speed, of changing lanes, or driving in certain weather or traffic conditions.  We assess risk according to what we have learned about the risks inherent in any given situation.    We assess based on what we have learned from others, from books and other media, and from our own life experience.

All of us travel with baggage.  Some with just a carry on and others with whole steamer trunks.  The problem isn’t the baggage itself but rather the uninspected contents.  If you are unaware of your own patterns, your risk assessment will be faulty so you will make poorer choices.  For some this means choosing relationships that turn out to be abusive ones for others this means choosing partners who cheat and for some this means choosing relationship after relationship with people who abuse or are dependent upon substances.  We tend to choose what feels familiar to us.

I know my own patterns very well now as I have had lots of therapy, coaching and done other types of personal work.  It used to be that if I walked into a room of 300 people with only one alcoholic in the room, that would be the only person I was attracted to.  They would be the person that felt exciting, who smelled right to me.  Nowadays, I would be attracted to the people who have been clean and sober for more than 10 years, people who are adrenalin junkies and those who come from backgrounds where there was substance abuse but who have done their personal work.  I still like the edge but my pattern has changed because of the personal work I have done.  I recognise different qualities, different scents as attractive now.   The hardest thing for most of us is to admit we have made a mistake and this can get you injured or killed.

Gavin de Becker is an expert on security, threat assessment, and personal protection.  He wrote a book called The Gift of Fear that I highly recommend everyone read.  In this book, he talks about how far we as human beings have moved from our primal senses.

Fear is the body’s way of alerting us to danger.  Many people no longer pay attention to fear or to gut instincts in which they feel uncomfortable.   De Becker talks about how essential it is that we learn to reintegrate our primal senses as they will keep us safer and ignoring them may get us injured or killed.

Often people have an intense gut feeling and then talk themselves out of it.  You meet someone and you feel uncomfortable but you say to yourself ‘I’m being unfair’  or ‘I should give him a chance’.  It is amazing how often the gut instinct is correct.  I have interviewed many victims of sexual assault and rape over the years – some in therapy and others during my research on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  A full 60% of them have admitted to having a feeling that someone was ‘not right’ or a situation was ‘not safe’ and ignoring the feeling.  This lead them to blame themselves for their own assaults or rapes.  Self-blame is not useful in this situation.  What is though is to learn how important it is to pay attention to your hunches and gut instincts.  They are often correct because they are based on a whole host of perceptions that happen on a less than conscious level.

Many of the people I have seen over the years have ignored countless warning signs in relationships.  Last week I spoke with Dr Sue Mandel about the red flags she talks about with her clients.  I use a system of red flags or warning signs to risk assess in any new relationship and I recommend that everyone do the same.  You may not choose the same warning signs that I do, but you should have a system of your own.

Many people are afraid to do this because they believe on some deep level that if they walk away from a potential relationship, another one may not come along.  These people are conforming to the scarcity principle that says there are not enough ‘good people’ in the world and so that you must grab anyone you think is a ‘good person’ or you will end up alone.  This is a myth.  There are plenty of people in the world with whom you can have a relationship.  It is better to find the right person or people than to enter a relationship with someone who is dangerous, abusive or degrading (or even just a relationship with a person who is wrong for you but might be fine for someone else).    Many people are afraid to be alone and this stops them from risk assessing.  It is better to be alone and alive and healthy than the alternative.

For me, a red flag or warning sign says: ‘Stop and think’ or ‘‘get some distance’

First warning: I feel frightened, deeply anxious or my gut tells me something is off.  This is the most important warning sign to pay attention to.  I don’t wait to interpret this and I don’t suggest you do either.  I simply get out of the situation.  If you feel something is off, it usually is.  Delay can put you in danger or difficulty so don’t delay.  This has saved my life more than once.

Don’t worry about how other people might think of you.  Don’t pass go.  Don’t collect £200 or $200, just get out of the situation.  See your fear as the gift that it is, the sign that tells you that you are in danger.  This one is especially important if you enjoy BDSM and power exchange and you are getting together with someone you don’t know well and don’t know much about.

And speaking of that: One part of risk assessment is to find out what you can about the person that you are entering a relationship with.  Observe their behaviour with you, with friends and family, with people in the restaurant.  Check out the stories they tell you.  Consider talking to x partners and friends.  Do a background check. Do your homework.  Do your due diligence.  If they aren’t comfortable with you doing that, think twice about the relationship.

Types of warning signs:

Many brief intense relationships that ended badly.

This might mean the person has difficulty managing their own intense emotions and expressing emotions appropriately.  It might mean they have overly high expectations of a partner.

Unwillingness to give you full contact details.  This is only a warning sign if this persists after you start properly dating each other.  At first or second meeting, in the information age, it is not unusual for people to want to hold back some of their details.

Remember to be aware of signs of catfishing.  If you are meeting people online, it is possible that the person is not who they say they are.  If things are not adding up, information makes no sense, you feel that someone is playing with you – pay attention to these feelings.

Extremely sensitive to anything that approaches criticism or to you if you have a different opinion from theirs.

People who have these issues can be volatile and often have lots of drama in their lives.

Stalking behaviours:  Shows up where you don’t expect them to be, texts many many times per day when you have just met, doesn’t observe boundaries you set, ‘surprises’ you at work or at home, is constantly following all your social media.  This can feel very flattering at first but will quickly feel uncomfortable and can become dangerous.

Must control every aspect of a date, conversation, meal.  When someone is immediately extremely controlling (without your consent), this is a sign of deeper issues.

Demonstrations of intense jealousy when you haven’t known each other very long or of time you spend with friends, family, at work.   This highlights insecurity and the need to control and does not bode well for safe, happy, healthy relationships.

Empathy is essential to a good relationship.  Empathy is the ability to feel things from another’s point of view, to understand and share their feelings.  If a person cannot take the viewpoint of another, cannot see things from another’s vantage point it is unlikely that they will be able to share another’s feelings.    Some people can approximate empathy but don’t truly feel it.    People who don’t have empathy don’t consider how their actions might impact upon others and cannot put themselves in another’s shoes to see how the words they choose or the things they do might cause another to feel.

Black and white thinking: People who cannot tolerate any ambivalence swing from positives to negatives.  They find it difficult to stay connected to someone positively if the person has done something that has caused them to be upset or feel angry.  You are either the most wonderful person on the planet or the devil incarnate.  They swing back and forth and it can be hard for others to know where they stand.  They have unrealistic expectations of others and project their own fantasy viewpoints on to others.

Inability to take responsibility and apologise.  This is a big warning sign.  People who cannot take responsibility for their actions and mistakes, thoughts and feelings, cannot learn and so don’t change.  They don’t apologise because they cannot see how any outcome is their responsibility.  They often also lack empathy so they cannot imagine how others feel.

Inability to control intense emotions.  People who cannot soothe themselves take out all of their feelings at full intensity on those around them.  They are often volatile, sometimes violent and require immediate and constant attention.

These are just a few of the warning signs.

Risk assessment is about being observant, being conscious of your own biases, your own history and patterns, being able to separate your feelings from those of others and listening to your primal senses (and acting on them).  Risk assessment is an on-going process.  Once you are well versed and have practiced a lot, it becomes second nature.      If you do it well, your relationships will be filled with excitement and pleasure and be long lasting.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.  Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/ I look forward to seeing you next week for part one the care and feeding of the vagina.



Sex Spoken Here: Risk assessment in relationships 2

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  As this podcast contains adult material, if you don’t have total privacy you might want to wear headphones.

Today I am continuing my series on risk assessment in relationships.

We started last week talking all about consent and discovered that it is a many faceted topic.  This week we are going to talk about the red flags that arise when you are just beginning relationships that let you know you might want to slow down or stop all together.

Joining me today is Dr Sue Mandel is a psychologist and a certified life coach and a certified data coach.  She’s been in practice for 30 years seeing couples, single women over 40 and relationships.  She specialises in the psychobiology of intimate relationships.

We talked about red flags ranging from poor boundaries, to feeling rage seething underneath the surface.  We spoke about the importance of paying attention to your gut instincts and your level of comfort.

Sue suggests that when people are self-absorbed you need to take notice as this is a big red flag.We talked about people who ‘never get angry’ and avoid conflict and cannot resolve conflict and that this is also a big red flag.  Sue highlighted the passive aggressive behaviour that you might see with a person like this.  She spoke about people who are denigrate the people around them, people who don’t introduce you to their friends, are evasive and people who lie.

Sue spoke about working with her clients on trusting themselves and acting on their feelings.  She said that it is often hard for people to leave a relationship if they don’t know why they were attracted in the first place.  I pointed out that I often tell people to work on their patterns in coaching but to trust gut instincts and act on the red flags even if they don’t understand why they are feeling the way they are feeling.

We spoke about people who put you on a pedestal and heap tons of praise on you and then switch to heaping tons of denigration on you.  We spoke about how hard it is to walk away from someone who praises you and treats you like you are the best thing since sliced bread even if it doesn’t feel entirely comfortable.

Sue pointed out that getting into a relationship to ‘fix’ someone is never a good idea and that many women think that they can do this and learn the hard way that it does not work.

Sue can be found at:


Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey and check out my YouTube channel.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you are curious and ready to explore more, join me for my webinar/telecall 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self .  Click the link to register.  I look forward to seeing you there and next week for part 3 of this series.  Please leave a review if you have enjoyed this podcast on either iTunes or Stitcher. Thanks.



Let’s talk about consent.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am starting my series on risk assessment in relationships with the topic of consent.  Consent is the foundation for all sexual agreements and relationships.   Some feel the current emphasis on consent is too intense and make fun of the idea of having to ask for permission each step of the way in a sexual encounter.  Others feel that we don’t take consent seriously and we make too many assumptions.

Joining me today to discuss this is Kitty Stryker.  Kitty Stryker is a Degenderette, writer, queer activist, and authority on developing a consent culture in alternative communities. She was the founder of ConsentCulture.com, a website that ran for 4 years as a hub for LGBT/kinky/poly folks looking for a sex critical approach to relationships, which will be relaunched on 2017. Kitty also cofounded the artsy sexy party Kinky Salon London, as well as being head of cosplay for queer gaming convention GaymerX. Having finished “Ask: Building Consent Culture”, an anthology through Thorntree Press coming out in October, Kitty tours internationally speaking at universities and conferences about feminism, sex work, body positivity, queer politics, and more. She lives in Oakland, California with her wife, boyfriend, and two cats, Foucault and Nietzsche.

We started by talking about issues around consent and the reasons for Kitty starting ConsentCulture.com.    Kitty spoke about how hard it is for people to take responsibility and then look at changing behaviour.  She spoke about the problems in the alternative sexuality communities when consent violations occur.  Often calling the police makes things worse as the police are not necessarily friendly to kinky, LGBT or people of colour.  She spoke about the need for communities to come up with a clear plan to resolve these situations that don’t simply involve calling someone out and then isolating that person from the community.

We spoke about how hard it can be to give proper consent when alcohol or drugs are involved.

Kitty advises people to consider if they are willing to go to jail for the person and the activity they are about to undertake.  She highlights the fact that we all make mistakes in this area and violate consent.  It may be as simple as hugging an acquaintance who didn’t want to be hugged or as serious as rape.  We spoke about how it can be hard to draw your own boundaries and how this can be especially difficult if you are involved in power exchange.

Kitty spoke about the reasons that people don’t use a safe word even when they should and said that she had done some research that found that often women refuse to do so because they want to please a partner and men are more likely to just want to be seen as tough.  She spoke about sitting down and actually looking at how her boundaries had been violated over the years and how she had just brushed this off rather than dealing with the issues.  We spoke about things like playing in a public situation and how difficult it is for people to find a way to protect themselves without feeling like they are causing drama in public.

We spoke about the trauma that perpetrators experience and the fact that they too need help to resolve any shame and guilt.

Kitty highlighted that when we talk about consent in sexual relationships it is only an opening conversation to discussing all the places in which we need to think about boundaries and consent in society.  She highlighted things like consent in medical situations, and where information is shared, and education.

Kitty’s book will come out in October.  If you want to pre-order, here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Building-Consent-Kitty-Stryker/dp/1944934251/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497383382&sr=8-1&keywords=ask+building+consent+culture

The website for the book is https://consentculture.com/

Website where stories have been gathered about consent to help deepen understanding https://medium.com/consent-culture-a-conversation

Website Link

Facebook link

twitter link

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.  If there was something you didn’t like, tell me that too! Follow me on twitter @drbisbey, Instagram @drbisbey and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and leave a review on iTunes.  If you want more information, sign up for my newsletter here. I look forward to seeing you next week for part two of risk assessment in relationships.




Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am continuing my series on sex toys.

So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and vibrating toys, dildos and butt plugs, and talked with Chrystal Bougon of Curvy Girl and Bliss.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to the first three episodes in the series, I encourage you to do so.

Today, I am talking about pervertables and other interesting toys.  A pervertable is an ordinary item that can be turned to sexual or perverted purposes.    Later in the show I will talk about electro-stimulation toys.  The first question I usually get about pervertables is why bother?  There are a few reasons:

The first is if you are not sure if you will enjoy certain types of sensation or activities, you probably don’t want to invest money in the toys or items.  For example, you want to try a toy that will produce a thud type sensation, and see if you enjoy that type of pain mixed pleasure.  You could go out and buy different paddles or you could go into the kitchen and get a wooden spoon or use the back of a heavy hair brush.

The second reason is that you don’t have lots of money to spend.  This is the most common reason someone decides to explore pervertables and creating their own toys.

The third is the associations we form with items that we will see every day can add some excitement and on-going turn on.  For example, if you have children or live with parents or roommates, you won’t keep that gorgeous flogger out and so you won’t get the thrill of seeing it regularly.    But, if your lover uses a belt instead, every time you see the belt, every time they wear the belt, you will get an intense thrill.  It can be like being hot-wired: You are doing something ordinary and you see the belt and suddenly you are soaked or rock hard or both.

Pervertables for sensory play and sensory deprivation play:

Sensory deprivation can increase the sensation for the senses that are still available.    It also adds the extra thrill of surprise.  The mildest form of sensory deprivation (and the most common) is blindfolding.  Blindfolds can be made from ties, towels, shirts, belts, strips of fabric.  One of the most arousing scenes I ever took part in, my lover tore off my t-shirt and cut it into strips, using one to blindfold me and the others to tie my hands to the bed posts.

Your underwear can be used as a gag.

Sensory play involves using all our senses and different types of sensation to increase excitement.  Sometimes sight is removed (as many of us rely on sight as a primary sense).    Alternate textures can be used to stimulate and enflame.  There are tons of pervertables in the home that are ideal for this type of play.

You can use sandpaper, the edge of tweezers, a feather, a fan, the tines of a fork, leather gloves, silk gloves or fabric, a safety pin, a rubber band.  Using smells is also enlightening.  In this case, I recommend pleasant smells and smells that whet the appetite like vanilla, cinnamon, chocolate, musk, civet, labdanum, leather, tuberose, amber, or gardenia.

Taste is also a lot of fun to play with.  I recommend using fresh fruit, chocolate, olives, lemon or lime, fresh ginger and for the truly adventurous various chilli peppers.  Ginger can be used for figging which is when it is peeled and inserted in either the vagina or anus.  It will cause an intense burning sensation.  It shouldn’t be left in for too long.  Some people also use chilli for this but I don’t recommend it because it is too hard to remove.  Please make sure you aren’t allergic to anything you are going to put on or in your body.

What about pervertables for dildos?

There are loads of things you can use that are insertable pervertables.  Please use common sense before putting something up your coochie or ass.  Make sure that it isn’t going to cause damage – so make sure it is clean, use condoms, lots of lube, and nothing too sharp! (Even if you like pain, shredding your insides is never advised).    Warnings finished.  You can use carrots, zucchini (courgettes), candles.

If you want to try some forms of BDSM and kink, there are lots of pervertables you can find at home or at B&Q or Home Depot.    For restraints, ribbon can be used.  Ribbon can feel cutting though so make sure to pay attention to how you feel and make sure the person who has tied you with it is checking in with you about how you feel.  Any time you use restraints you must take care not to cut off circulation by tying too tight.  You can use various sizes of chain for restraints.  You can use regular rope but this tends to chafe.  Try using rope over some fabric (like a sock or a tie) in order to avoid chafing.

Nipple stimulation can be sensual or intense.  If you want to experience some of the intense, clothespins are great pervertables.   They may seem easy at first.  The real hurt comes when they are taken off and all the blood rushes back into the nipples.   Chopsticks can be used to tap on the nipples.

For impact toys, you have incredible choices all throughout the house.

In the office, rulers make great impact toys.  They can also be easily integrated into a role play scene.  My first piano teacher used to hit my hand with a ruler when I didn’t play correctly.   School role plays can include being spanked with a ruler.

Spoons are great impact toys.  You can use wooden, plastic or metal and they will each give you a different sensation.    You can use spatulas as well.   Try a long-handled shoe horn (wooden ones are the best).   Belts (the end without the buckle) are old standards for a good spanking.    The back of a brush or a shoe are ones that many people in their 40’s and older experienced when they were children and naughty.

If you want a more challenging sensation, a beating with the business end of a hair brush is pretty challenging.    Rubber bands are very challenging.  How do you use them, you ask?  Just like when you were kids, you snap them on someone.   The worst places to have them snapped on you are predictably the most sensitive places.  Rubber bands look really innocuous but they are NOT.

Remember that using different fabrics and textures all over your body can be really arousing.  Alternating textures raises excitement.  For example, using something furry over the breasts and following that with light scratching with finger nails.

Playing with temperature is also lots of fun with pervertables.

Paraffin candles are perfect for wax play.  If you’ve never done it before, do get some instruction (either in person or on line) so that no one gets burned.  Ice cubes are fantastic for raising your temperature.  They can be rubbed lightly over the body or held tightly to the juicy parts.

Electro-stimulation toys are finally more affordable.

Electrostimulation or e-sex involves the applying of electrical stimulation to the nerves for sexual pleasure.    If you use a pace maker, please don’t try this.  If you have heart conditions, this is not recommended.    And it is not advisable to place electrodes so that current passes through the chest cavity as even at low current and low voltage there is a risk of cardiac problems.   Having said this, if you are using a violet wand these warnings don’t apply.   If you are going to try this, it is best to get some instruction so you know all the risks, hazards and the best techniques.  OK, warnings over.

The use of electricity for entertainment dates back to the 1740’s.  In the 1830’s insertable electrodes were first designed.  In the 1920, some electrostimulation devices were used as a ‘cure’ for impotence.    In the 1950s, a EMS machine that was designed for relaxation was re-purposed and used for sexual stimulation. That was an advanced pervertable!.

Violet rays were developed for various medical treatments in the 1920’s and 30’s.   From there they went to the beauty community and some treatments originally derived from violet ray use still exist today.    Edgar Cayce found metaphysical uses for these devices and they found popularity again in the 60’s and 70’s.

The original repurposed units are TENS and EMS units.  Erotic units began to be devised in the 1980s.  Battery powered units are preferred as they reduce the likelihood of injury.

Violet wands are modified telsa coil type electrical transformer.  It is usually engineered specifically for sexual play.  The electrode attachments are made of glass or plastic and they glow when the electricity passes through them.  The most common colour is purple hence the violet in the name but there are lots of different colours you can find.  There is a phallic shaped electrode made for insertion and this has a fine spray output versus the long slim tube which concentrates into larger single sparks.  Some electrodes feel tickly, others like a gentle tingling, others a bit more spicy and some very intense.

There are a wide variety of techniques you can employ using these devices.  Some allow you to electrify yourself and use your fingertips to be the contact point.  So you can stroke your partner with a finger that gives them little sparks as you stroke.  There are floggers and canes that can be electrified through your hand so you can add that extra spice to the flogging.

Violet wands are lower amperage than other electro stimulation toys and therefore are the safest.  They can be used above the waist without fear.  There are so many different sensations produced by these making them a great toy to use long term,  More information can be found from the International Violet Wand Guild – violetwands.org.

Are there pervertables you have used that you found really sexy or are there things I haven’t mentioned that you find smokin’ hot?  Tweet me @drbisbey or post a picture on Instagram where I am also drbisbey.   Tell me about your violet wands or other electromagnetic play.  Or you can drop me an email at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.   If you want some more details on using the pervertables in this podcast, you can get the workbook to accompany the series by emailing me. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week.




Sex Spoken Here Sex Toys for Curvy Girls

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am continuing my series on sex toys. So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and vibrating toys, dildos and butt plus.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to the first two episodes in the series, I encourage you to do so.

In addition to opening the only plus-size lingerie store in the nation (Curvy Girl Lingerie), Chrystal Bougon is an author, blogger, sex toy expert and owner/founder of BlissConnection.com, a tasteful online romance store.

A high-tech corporate refugee who switched to sex tech in 2003, Chrystal’s mission is to teach women and couples of all sizes how to have better sex and incorporate toys into their romantic life.

Let’s talk about sex toys for curvy girls.  Chrystal spoke about the best sex toys for women (and people) of size.  She spoke about the particular problems of having lower belly fat that gets in the way of reaching the clitoris and/or shorter arms.  People with these issues need a toy with a bit more reach.  She started by talking about the old standard the Hitachi Magic Wand but did say that the power can be a problem for some people.  She mentioned that for super size people, sitting on the wand can work well.  She spoke about men who have erectile dysfunction finding the wand useful for being able to coax out an ejaculation even without getting an erection because the power of the vibrator helps.

She spoke about the Womanizer as being a game changing toy and that they have come out with a new one (the plus) which has an 8 ¼ inch reach so makes it better.

She mentioned the orchid which is like a bullet with a long handle.  She talked about the bullet as being the old standard and mentioned that it can be good for those people who are taking medication like antidepressants and anti-anxiety who can have difficulty with orgasm.  Chrystal mentioned that Clarityn and other antihistamines can cause vaginal dryness as well.

Chrystal mentioned the Eva as one of the new toys she loves.

This is also one of the new ones I love.  She pointed out that it works particularly well for women who have extra fat on their vulvas.  Chrystal gave a shout out to Sportsheets as a great company who has designed toys with fat people in mind.  She spoke about the doggy style strap as being a brilliant toy to help people get into a better doggy style position and for deep penetration.

We spoke about how much better sex toys are when women are involved in the design process.  We spoke briefly about electro stim toys which are now much more affordable.  Chrystal and I both agreed that if you have someone you trust you can say yes to trying everything.

Website link: http://curvygirlinc.com/

Social media links:

If you want to purchase something from Curvy Girl, use the code ‘LoriBeth’ and get 20% off.  The Womanizer is sold on Curvy Girl Inc so if you want to try it and find the price too high, the 20% may make it affordable.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week when I will continue the series on sex toys and we will be talking about pervertables and other interesting toys.




Dildos and butt plugs

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am continuing my series on sex toys. So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and a couple of slightly different toys that still vibrate.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen, I encourage you to do so.

Today, I’m starting with dildos and butt plugs.  Despite being bisexual, I actually explored butt plugs before exploring dildos.  My early hook ups with women were with women who used vibrators and didn’t like to use dildos or strap-ons.  My early relationships with women were the same.  I found the technicolour dildos a bit frightening.   My first dildo was actually a stainless steel nJoy that could be made ice cold or warm to hot.  It also warmed so beautifully when used.  The texture of the stainless steel is so arousing to me and the nJoy hits the G spot so well.

The next dildo I experienced was a glass dildo and again this is very temperature sensitive so using it for temperature play is fantastic.  Some of these are works of art and they are often made with ribs, ridges and bumps that touch you in places you never thought you wanted to be touched.

Finally, I was introduced to a proper silicone dildo by a lover who liked to use strap-ons.  She had a bunch of different sizes and would let me choose what I felt like experiencing.  One of them was so large, he was akin to a horse penis and I avoided that one.  I couldn’t figure out how I would ever get it inside me.    These dildos felt as though they were truly attached to my lover, as though she had a dick of her own.  She loved having a dick though she did not identify as male in anyway.  She first exposed me to chicks with dicks.    Jay is also bisexual and she enjoyed fucking men with her dick as much as she enjoyed fucking women with it.    I loved to watch her fuck other people almost as much as I loved to be fucked by her.  Her rapt expressions highlighted her gratification as she rocked her hips with a fury.

For the next many years, I enjoyed being on the receiving end of a dildo.

I even tried experimenting with double headed dildos.  These can be extreme fun but they take a bit to get the hang of.   I found some of the co-ordination difficult but Jill says that they are her favourite toy and rocking with her girlfriend is a sure way to increase multiple orgasms.

About 5 years ago, a girlfriend asked me to fuck her.  I had tried a strap-on once before but found it awkward.    I wanted to be able to please her so I decided to give it one more try.  To do this, I went to find a better strap on belt and dildo, one that would be easier to manage.  I wanted a dildo that was close to my skin colour.  Though I have never wanted to have a penis, I wanted to try to experience this as being more a part of me as friends had told me that the more I owned the penis, the better I would be at fucking.   I was visiting my then fiancé in Los Angeles so this meant a shopping trip to the Pleasure Chest.

This trip was filled with laughter as I looked through all of the different possibilities.  There were dildos that were technicolour, some that were huge and others that didn’t really look like penises at all.  First I found a strap-on belt that was a sport style.  I found this far more comfortable than the ones that split my butt cheeks like thongs do.  I found an average size dildo that was close to my skin colour.  My stomach is not flat so when looked down it was the strangest experience because it looked like my own penis.  I identify as a woman for gender and I have always done so.  As a result, this was a surreal moment as I saw my own dick.

Next I felt I needed to learn how to use the strap-on before fucking my date.  Since I had never owned a penis before, I decided to ask an expert – my fiancé.  He had been the owner of a penis for 55 years by that time.    He gave me some lessons focusing on the hip rocking movements and reminding me that I won’t be able to get direct feedback through the dildo so I needed to own it as much as I could as this would make it easier for me to predict responses to my movements.    I have had sex with women and trans-men who truly owned the penises they attached to their bodies.  They were so skilled that it was easy to forget they were not born with flesh and blood penises.  I did not feel this way so it took practice so I would be convincing and effective and be able to give my partner thrills.  After my lessons, I went on my date and I am happy to report that she had a great time and told me I fucked her well.  I enjoyed the experience of being able to give her pleasure in that way but I did not find it exciting to be the one with the penis.  I didn’t get turned on by fucking her.   I really am much happier being the receptive partner when it comes to penetration by penises or dildos.

Not too long ago, a friend sent me a link to a site called Bad Dragon.

This company makes dildos in the shapes of different (mostly) mythical beasts penises.    The most popular are dragon dildos but werewolf comes in a close second.  They are made in various sizes and colours and some are designed for men to put over their penises and have a tube for ejaculation.  They also have some vaginas for men to use for masturbation or for women to insert so that they can be penetrated when wearing one.

Finally there are the dildos that are made as a dilation set (with vibration) by Sh! to help women who have vaginismus.

These are smooth silicon and in various sizes and can have a bullet vibrator in them as well.  They are used in the treatment of vaginismus which is when the pelvic floor muscles contract involuntarily causing painful sex or the inability to have penetration at all.

I didn’t mention vibrating dildos earlier.   There are some dildos that are made with a pocket to insert a bullet vibrator at the base so this presses against the vulva and clitoris in some cases when the dildo is in the strap-on harness.  That way the person doing the fucking is also receiving stimulation.  These can be lots of fun to play with as well.

Of course strap-ons can be used for pegging (which is when a woman fucks a man).   I have had a lot of clients over the years who love to experience their girlfriends and wives fucking them.  Some of these men are submissive but many are not.  They just enjoy the anal stimulation and the prostate stimulation.

Dildos have been around since paleolithic times.

The first ones were made of stone and wood.  For some reason many archaeologists have talked about them being simply symbolic for fertility instead of accepting the fact that they were used for sex toys then as well.  The oldest one is 20cm and from the Upper Paleolithic era – circa 30,000 years ago.

Dildos are seen in Greek art and also feature in Greek plays.   They are mentioned in Shakespeare’s A Winter’s Tale.

Dildos remain illegal in some jurisdictions like parts of India for example. They remained banned Alabama though they are no longer illegal in Texas, Kansas or Colorado.

Reviews from friends, lovers and clients:

Manny, who is transgendered, has 4 favourite cocks.  He has one that he uses for packing.  Packing is when you wear soft to semi-hard dildo in pants so that you have a penis even when not having sex.    He has three he uses for sex.  The first is very close to his own colouring and is average size and girth.  The second is also close to his own colouring but is significantly larger.  The third is technicolour and medium sized.  He says ‘I can give a girl something no bio man ever can – a choice of cocks – a big one for size queens and an average one for most of the time.’

Wendy says ‘I love playing with my glass dildo especially when it is cold.  It slowly heats up inside me and I heat up with it.’

Rachel says ‘I enjoy fucking Tom with my strap-on which is average size.  He loves the feeling of being so full and I love being the one in control.  I also love to use my nJoy to stimulate his prostate or sometimes he uses it in my pussy.  The hardness of the steel is so different from other dildos.  And I love playing with temperature too.’

Butt plugs

These come in tons of shapes and sizes.  The most popular shape is a teardrop or diamond shape.  These start small and can be found in huge sizes.  The materials range from the simple silicone which is probably most popular because it is smooth and has some give to metal ones with a jewelled handle to glass ones with fur or horse hair tails.    The ones with tails are something to see.  The people who use these have to get used to moving around with them inside so that they don’t push them out.   Human ponies often have elaborate horse hair tails.  For those of you who don’t know, human ponies are people who act as ponies and will do activities like pulling a cart, racing and carrying people or even dressage events like actual ponies participate in.  They wear harness, sometimes blinders, bits, boots with horse shoe heels and, sometimes a full face mask or a partial one with pony ears and horse tails.   Their training is very elaborate.    There are other animals that people will pretend to be (puppies for example) and they might wear fur tails.

Butt plugs can be difficult to get used to.  We are used to pushing things out using those muscles so the tendency is to push the plug out as well.  It often takes training to be able to use them well.  Training is starting with a small plug and wearing it for a short period of time and moving slowly to longer periods of time and larger plugs.

Butt plugs provide a great way to incorporate anal stimulation, particularly if you don’t want to have full on anal sex.  Greg loves them so much that he wears a small one every day.  He says ‘I am always aroused that way.’  I asked him if he was able to concentrate to work and he replied ‘Of course, the arousal stays in the background at those times.  But it is always there and that is how I like it.’

Mary finds butt plugs humiliating but exciting at the same time.  She says ‘It is so embarrassing to have anything in my ass.  And even more embarrassing how hot it makes me.  So I love having my plug in.    I have one with a big red jewel in the handle.  It is made of stainless steel and sometimes I put it in the fridge for 10 minutes before putting it inside me.  That can make me scream but as it warms it makes me moan.   I can come just from the plug inside me.’

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week when I will continue the series on sex toys.