Podcasts that cover BDSM and Power Exchange

Let’s talk about consent.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am starting my series on risk assessment in relationships with the topic of consent.  Consent is the foundation for all sexual agreements and relationships.   Some feel the current emphasis on consent is too intense and make fun of the idea of having to ask for permission each step of the way in a sexual encounter.  Others feel that we don’t take consent seriously and we make too many assumptions.

Joining me today to discuss this is Kitty Stryker.  Kitty Stryker is a Degenderette, writer, queer activist, and authority on developing a consent culture in alternative communities. She was the founder of ConsentCulture.com, a website that ran for 4 years as a hub for LGBT/kinky/poly folks looking for a sex critical approach to relationships, which will be relaunched on 2017. Kitty also cofounded the artsy sexy party Kinky Salon London, as well as being head of cosplay for queer gaming convention GaymerX. Having finished “Ask: Building Consent Culture”, an anthology through Thorntree Press coming out in October, Kitty tours internationally speaking at universities and conferences about feminism, sex work, body positivity, queer politics, and more. She lives in Oakland, California with her wife, boyfriend, and two cats, Foucault and Nietzsche.

We started by talking about issues around consent and the reasons for Kitty starting ConsentCulture.com.    Kitty spoke about how hard it is for people to take responsibility and then look at changing behaviour.  She spoke about the problems in the alternative sexuality communities when consent violations occur.  Often calling the police makes things worse as the police are not necessarily friendly to kinky, LGBT or people of colour.  She spoke about the need for communities to come up with a clear plan to resolve these situations that don’t simply involve calling someone out and then isolating that person from the community.

We spoke about how hard it can be to give proper consent when alcohol or drugs are involved.

Kitty advises people to consider if they are willing to go to jail for the person and the activity they are about to undertake.  She highlights the fact that we all make mistakes in this area and violate consent.  It may be as simple as hugging an acquaintance who didn’t want to be hugged or as serious as rape.  We spoke about how it can be hard to draw your own boundaries and how this can be especially difficult if you are involved in power exchange.

Kitty spoke about the reasons that people don’t use a safe word even when they should and said that she had done some research that found that often women refuse to do so because they want to please a partner and men are more likely to just want to be seen as tough.  She spoke about sitting down and actually looking at how her boundaries had been violated over the years and how she had just brushed this off rather than dealing with the issues.  We spoke about things like playing in a public situation and how difficult it is for people to find a way to protect themselves without feeling like they are causing drama in public.

We spoke about the trauma that perpetrators experience and the fact that they too need help to resolve any shame and guilt.

Kitty highlighted that when we talk about consent in sexual relationships it is only an opening conversation to discussing all the places in which we need to think about boundaries and consent in society.  She highlighted things like consent in medical situations, and where information is shared, and education.

Kitty’s book will come out in October.  If you want to pre-order, here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Building-Consent-Kitty-Stryker/dp/1944934251/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497383382&sr=8-1&keywords=ask+building+consent+culture

The website for the book is https://consentculture.com/

Website where stories have been gathered about consent to help deepen understanding https://medium.com/consent-culture-a-conversation

Website Link
http://kittystryker.com/

Facebook link
https://www.facebook.com/officiallykittystryker/

twitter link
https://twitter.com/kittystryker

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.  If there was something you didn’t like, tell me that too! Follow me on twitter @drbisbey, Instagram @drbisbey and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and leave a review on iTunes.  If you want more information, sign up for my newsletter here. I look forward to seeing you next week for part two of risk assessment in relationships.

 

 

BDSM & Power Exchange Practicalities

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Last week I explored the practicalities for beginning to explore BDSM and Power Exchange.  This week I explore basic rules for events and resources for BDSM online and in the community.    If you haven’t heard the first four of the BDSM and Power Exchange Series, I suggest you download them.  The first two include interviews with Dr Kevin Boileau and cover some of the theory and emotional issues, the third in the series includes an interview with Pharoah Khaf Ra and Empress Nahara who are a lifestyle dominant couple and last week I started with practicalities like figuring out if you are dominant or submissive.

I have talked about getting ready to step out and explore BDSM and power exchange whether you are doing it in private or in public.    But many people have no idea where to begin to look to meet people, for events or for clothing and accessories.

First I want to highlight that you don’t need to spend lots of money on special clothing and toys.

Most events have a dress code but most of them also will accept scant clothing (as close to nakedness as is legal in that jurisdiction) or being dressed all in black.   The dress code is supposed to encourage people to make an effort to get involved, look and feel sexy and to discourage those people who come along to gawk.  Gawking is different from watching when you are a proper voyeur.  Gawking is when someone comes to watch all the strange people and has no intention of getting involved in any way and when someone doesn’t observe basic courtesy either.

Basic courtesy includes:

Don’t interfere in someone else’s scene.  If they are doing something you find interesting, watch from an appropriate distance.  That means don’t watch from 2 inches away.  I was once involved in a scene with a woman where I was performing oral sex on her and a man came and sat so close too watch that his face was almost between my mouth and her pussy.  He was told very firmly to move away.  When people are using floggers, whips and canes if you get within the circle of the stroke you will get injured and really annoy the person who is doing the beating.  Also, when people are in a scene, it creates a bubble and they are likely to be unaware of the outside world.  When someone blunders in, they break the bubble and the distraction can ruin the entire scene because it interrupts the energy flow.  Energy builds in a scene to a peak just like it does in sex when it builds to orgasm.

No means no. Just because someone is at a public event does not mean they are there to play with everyone.  If someone says no, please respect it.

Observe protocols.  Even if you find it strange to have to ask someone’s Master or Mistress to talk with them, please follow their protocols.  It is a means of demonstrating respect.  You can ask about reasons or the origins of the protocol but ultimately following it is the best way to show respect.

Don’t spend time talking or asking questions in active areas of play.  This disrupts the energy and disrupts the scene.  There are usually conversation areas and people are usually happy to answer questions after the scene.  Remember that after care is part of the scene.

Don’t make assumptions about role, gender, sexuality, sexual orientation.  Ask instead of assuming.

Where to meet people online:

There are lots of resources to meet people online.  Fetlife.com  is a social media site for people who like fetishes including BDSM and power exchange.  There are lots of different groups once you have joined.  You can join a group for events near your location to find out who might be close by.  You make a profile and people can search profiles in a number of ways, send emails and reach out to you via the groups you join.

OK Cupid! has a large number of people who enjoy kink and BDSM.  You make a profile there in the same way you would on any other dating site.

Facebook:  There are lots of BDSM and power exchange related Facebook groups.  Some are secret.  Others are just private.  Check group rules to see if looking to meet people is OK.

Fester.com  is relatively new and apparently most folk are 30 or under.

Collarspace.com  is mostly for hook ups.  Reviews are very mixed.

BDSM.com is a space for talking about things as well as hooking up.

Chained.org is site for meeting folks.

Where to meet people offline besides events and parties:

Going to a local munch is a great way to meet people in your area.  Munches are usually held monthly in a restaurant or pub.  People come dressed in normal clothing and are usually welcoming to newcomers. You can find munches listed on places like FetLife.com.

There are fetish markets in many cities.  London, UK has one every month.  There are lots of items for sale, usually short presentations and stage shows and lots of space to mingle and meet folk.  There is also usually a play party afterwards and the ticket prices are reasonable.

Finding toys and supplies:

For bondage using rope:

There are lots of online sites.  I recommend checking out

https://www.twistedmonk.com

This is the best site for different types of rope, rope care, how to videos etc.

http://www.esinem-rope.com

Excellent UK site for rope, tutorial DVDs.

If you want to learn to make your own tools and toys:

Check out the blogs on Kinkly.com

For floggers, whips, restraints:

http://www.detailstoys.com

http://www.whipsbywolf.com/handmade-leather-floggers/

For gay men – hard core toys

https://www.regulation-london.com

Get recommendations from people you meet at events.

Of course you need not spend much money at all.  There are many ‘pervertables’ in most homes.  A pervertable is something that is ordinary that you can turn to a kinky purpose.

For example: Belts are extremely pervertable to use for a beating.  You can use wooden spoons (ouch!), spatulas.  Lots of things in the kitchen are pervertable.

For restraints you can use ties, belts, scarves.

For blindfolds – ties, scarves.

It’s easy to go wild and spend a fortune on beautiful toys and restraints and then rarely use them.  I recommend starting with pervertables and then making the purchase of any tools or toys something that you do with lots of thought.  Pick out one or two special pieces.

Clothing

Fetish clothing varies depending upon your interests and roles.  Leather can be used for a variety of things.  Some people love the feel, touch and smell of leather.  There is also the leather lifestyle.  People who identify as part of the leather lifestyle are engaged in power exchange relationships (often Master/slave or Mistress/slave) and follow certain codes.  Most codes include honor, honesty, respect) and most observe a variety of rituals.  Leather for these people is not only sexy and hot but is earned and a means of recognising service.    Some people like the feel of rubber or latex.

For latex clothing:

http://www.houseofharlot.com

https://www.pandoradeluxe.com

https://www.atsukokudo.com/Home/

For leather:

http://www.fetishwear.com/Welcome.htm

http://www.leatheraddicts.com

https://www.mr-s-leather.com

Good informational sites

Jack Rinella’s Leather Views – leatherviews.com

Jack Rinella is a free lance author and leather man.  He has written a number of well respected books on various aspects of leather and BDSM.

Race Bannon’s site : bannon.com Race Bannon along with Guy Baldwin, MS co-founded Kink Aware Professionals which is a list of helping professionals and legal professionals who are kink aware.  He has spoken at over 400 events, is a founder and board member of a number of leather associations.

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom http://ncsfreedom.org

Planet Midori http://www.planetmidori.com  She is a most amazing person and author who has expertise in bondage and power exchange.

Society of Janus is San Francisco based and is an organisation that offers BDSM education and support. https://soj.org

Carter Johnson Leather Library http://leatherlibrary.org

An amazing collection of leather history, reading materials covering kink, BDSM, LGBTQ.

Leather Archives and Museum  Incredible collection also ‘dedicated to compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather, kink and fetish lifestyles.’ http://www.leatherarchives.org

http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgs.html

They keep listings for BDSM and power exchange groups

Exploration is designed to be fun.  It is more likely to be so if you remember some basic rules.

Keep yourself safe  New things are really exciting and this stuff can be even more exciting than most new things.  Don’t let the excitement make you forget our basic safety rules.  If you have just met someone online, don’t give them too much personal information.    If you are arranging to meet for the first time, do it in a public place and let people know where you are going.    If you feel something is off, trust your gut and leave.    Don’t talk yourself out of trusting your gut because you think you need to give people second chances.    Don’t meet people at your home and don’t go to their home alone until you are sure that they are safe.  Avoid taking recreational drugs.  Making clear choices is important when you are playing in areas that are risky.  Keep your head clear so you will make good choices.  Limit your alcohol consumption for the same reason.  I choose not to drink and play and I prefer to play with people who are sober.

Pace yourself.  Don’t try to do everything at once.  Take your time and savour the experience.  Give yourself the space to process your experience afterwards and make sure you have support for when you need it.

Remember your social skills.  Use your best social skills – be polite, friendly, listen lots.  Sometimes people get so excited they forget!

Understand consent and apply it properly.    Don’t touch anyone without getting consent first.  This includes spontaneous hugs, putting your hand on someone’s shoulder.   Understand that people in this world can have different protocols.  Some are very strict.  Don’t assume that everyone will engage with you.  Some people may not be free to do so.  Don’t speak to someone else’s partner without checking first.  If you can’t check and you don’t get a response, don’t assume the person is being rude.  They may not be allowed to talk with anyone.  Think of it like meeting a monk or nun who is under a vow of silence.

Take the time to learn how to do things properly.  Many activities that you will engage in if you are exploring BDSM and power exchange will involve an increased level of risk.  If you don’t learn how to do things properly, you have a high risk of injuring yourself or someone else.    There are two acronyms regularly used by people who engage in BDSM to describe risk.  The first is Safe, Sane and Consensual.  People who work to this protocol do things in the safest way possible, they don’t take short-cuts and highlight consent.  The second is Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  These folks highlight the fact that all activities have risk and that you must be aware of the risk level of things you are choosing to engage in.  They also highlight consent.

Finally, maximise enjoyment.  Do everything you can to raise the probability that you will have a brilliant time.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe!  The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources.  Join me next week when I will be starting a series on sex toys.

BDSM & Power Exchange Practicalities

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Thanks for joining me for part 4 of this series on BDSM and Power Exchange.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

In parts 1-3 of this series we examined BDSM and power exchange from a number of angles.  This week, I look at the practicalities for getting started if BDSM and power exchange turn you on.

I will start with things everyone needs to consider whether partnered or un-partnered.  Then I will give specifics for singles.  I will follow this with specifics for couples.

Where to start?  You might want to grab something to write with and some paper now.

Some people believe they need to work out every detail before actually leaving the house.  Not only isn’t this a good idea but it isn’t possible.  You won’t know exactly what you will enjoy until you have begun to experiment.  I advise not to think in terms of NEVER or ALWAYS.  Even some hard limits may shift after some time.    However, it is a good idea to have an idea of your current limits, interests and desires.

Start with the shape of your relationship.  If you are single, decide if you are looking for one person or people to experiment with, or if you are looking for one relationship that will include BDSM as part of the relationship or more than one relationship (and if only one or more than one will include BDSM).  If you are partnered, are you going to involve anyone else in your exploration of BDSM and power exchange?

Next consider whether you are going to explore in public venues or in private on your own or both.  Many people enjoy going to public venues (like Torture Garden in London, UK) or private parties (which are still public as you are playing in the presence of other people) or at public events (like Weekend Reunion in New Jersey in the US every August or Master slave Conference which happens annually in the Washington DC area usually Labor Day weekend).  Some people prefer to experiment on their own at home and not to attend any events.   There are pros and cons to both.

Pros to going to events where there are other people present:

You can meet people who you might want to play with.

Events are a good place to connect with others who may share your interests and desires.  Meeting people in person is still the best way to figure out if you are compatible and also to get a sense of trustworthiness.  Most of us get gut feelings when we meet people and if we feel uncomfortable can walk away from any potential relationship right then.    Meeting people online can be useful but until you make contact face to face, you won’t truly know if there is any chance of things progressing.  Some events have only a few attendees and others have thousands.

You can meet people who you might wish to learn from.

Experienced people often attend public events and that gives newer people the opportunity to watch them and also to learn from them.  Sometimes you can get actual instruction and other times the opportunity to arrange a time to learn from them.    It is a good idea to get some hands on instruction to learn things like flogging, using a single tail whip or bullwhip, suspension bondage, needle play or any kind of edge play.  There are many other things where you can benefit from instruction.

You can enjoy watching others play.

Watching others play is really hot.  It gives you the opportunity to see a variety of activities which will help you to decide if that is something you might want to try.  Sometimes watching helps people to eliminate activities as well.

You can enjoy being watched by others.

Some people get really turned on by having others watching them.  Parties are great places to indulge in exhibitionism that doesn’t put you at risk of being caught and arrested.  (Or at least drastically lowers the risk)

You can socialise with people who share your interests.

Parties and events are great places to socialise with people who also enjoy BDSM and power exchange.  For people who are in the closet amongst most if not all of their family and friends, these spaces are the only places where they can truly be out and congruent with all parts of themselves visible.  Of course just because you enjoy BDSM doesn’t mean you will have lots of other things in common.

 

Cons of going to events where there are other people present:

You will be visible.

Events where there are other people mean that you will be visible.  If you are worried about running into people who may not approve of what you are doing, this could be a reason not to play in public.

Events cost money and can be expensive.

Most parties and events cost some money to cover the cost of the venue, safe sex supplies, dungeon furniture, event insurance and any refreshments.

You might not feel you fit in.

Some events have cliques.  Some events have very few LGBTQ people.  Others have few POC (people of colour).  The first event my husband and I attended we didn’t feel we fit in terribly well.  There were almost no POC present and there were no other interracial couples.

Sex during a scene may be off limits.  Look for sex positive events if you want to integrate penetrative sex into a scene.

Pros to experimenting alone

Things are completely private between you and your partner.  This can increase intimacy.

You can have full penetrative sex during your scene if you wish.

At many events, full nudity is prohibited and full penetrative sex is prohibited either for legal reasons or because it is a rule of the event.

Cons of experimenting in private only:

When things go wrong, there is no one to get advice from.

If you are new to all of this, it can be really helpful to have someone experienced around in case something doesn’t go to plan.

Now consider who is going to be in charge?  How do you want to shape your power exchange?

If you are single:

What role are you most drawn to?  Have you always wanted to call the shots and be in control?  If so, you may be dominant.  Would you love to be able to surrender to someone else for a change?  If so, you may be submissive.

Do you feel equally drawn to both roles or is your desire dependent upon who you are interested in playing with?  If so, you may be a switch.

If you are partnered:

Many couples fall into natural roles before they decide to experiment with power exchange.  These may be the roles they adopt when they start experimenting but they are not always.  Talk through who would like to be in control, who would like to surrender.  Consider service.  While some dominants enjoy service – they enjoy giving the submissive what will make them happy, many prefer to be served.     It may be that you both feel you could be in either role and enjoy it and then you can work out switching and talk about who will be in charge when.

Sometimes both partners feel strongly that they are dominant or that they are submissive.  When this is the case, they usually find they wish to look for someone else to take the other power role as in the last podcast when I spoke to Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who are a dominant couple.

Next the activities you are interested in:

It is a good idea to make a list of all the things that turn you on and that you might want to try at some point.  When you have finished this list, it is a good idea to make a list of things you absolutely don’t want to try.  These are the things you may consider your hard limits.

If you are single, have this list to hand when you meet someone you might want to play with as you will refer to it as you negotiate.

Pick a few things that you would like to try first.  It’s a good idea to have the things you start with be entry level things.  For example, if you have never experienced any pain during sex and you are in the submissive role, don’t start with whipping with a bullwhip.    Instead, if pain appeals to you, start with a light flogging or light spanking.    Don’t forget service activities like giving a foot massage, bringing drinks and snacks and serving them to the person who is in the dominant role.  Ask the person who you think you want to play with what they like for service.

If you are partnered:

Set aside some time and share your lists with each other.  Be clear about hard limits first.   Then look at the things that you might want to try.  Consider entry level activities first: various types of service, if you are looking at using pain consider light spankings or light floggings.    Consider things that demonstrate that the dominant is in charge like binding the submissive’s hands or having the submissive kneel or sit at the dominant’s feet.

Both single and partnered need to consider if you are going to include sexual activities integrated in the BDSM and power exchange.  Some people do not at all though orgasm can occur as part of the power exchange activities (for example during a flogging).  Orgasm is often controlled by the dominant person and can be used as a reward for performing service or taking pain.  If you are going to include sexual activities, consider the context.  If you are not, consider when you will engage in sexual activities after the BDSM session.

Single and partnered:

Now you have done most of the pre-planning, the next step is planning.

If you have decided to attend a public event, pick the event and get in contact with the organisers.  It’s useful to request a list of rules and expectations and check the prices.

Pick out the clothing you will wear.  Most events have a dress code and this usually requires fetish clothing or all black clothing.  No jeans allowed.  In the next podcast I will cover resources for finding events, clothing and accessories.

If you are single:

Consider how you will deal with approaches from people who want to play with you.  Do you want to just observe the first time you go to an event?  If you decide you will play if asked, do you want to limit your activities to the event?

If you are playing with someone, make sure to arrange a safeword.  This is a word that stops the action when it is said.  If this new person does not want to use a safe word – walk away.  Lots of people choose not to use safe words but this is usually when they know people reasonably well so that they can read each other.

It is important to consider if you will leave the party with someone you meet or not. If you are going to do so, please tell someone you know where you are going and have them make a safe call to you .

A safe call is when you arrange for a friend to telephone you to make sure that you are safe.  You pick a phrase that will tell a friend that you are not safe and to call the police.  Make the phrase something that will sound normal in the course of a brief conversation.  For example, you could say ‘I am having a good time’ or ‘thanks for calling’.  Whatever you choose, make sure it isn’t something you are likely to say by accident if you are really excited and having a great time.  The last thing you need is the police showing up when nothing is wrong!    Make sure your phone is accessible and can be heard because if you don’t answer, your friend will send the police and there will be lots of embarrassing explaining.  You should arrange a safe call any time you are engaging in BDSM with someone you don’t know well.  Work out what you will do for after care.  After care is important as BDSM and power exchange sessions can touch off intense emotions.  Adrenalin can run high and after you pump out lots of it, you will have a physiological drop so it is important to plan for this.  Quiet cuddle time usually works well as after care.  But keep in mind that drop may not occur immediately so if you are feeing suddenly emotional 48 hours later, make time for each other or make time  to look after yourself.

If you are partnered:

Are you playing with anyone else?  What kind of scene do you want to engage in?  Will you bring any toys with you?  Talk about all of these things before heading to the event.  It is a good idea to have a safe word when you are a beginning player even if you are playing with a partner you know well because you haven’t engaged in this type of activity before you won’t necessarily be able to read them when it comes to BDSM.  Make sure you agree that you will leave when one of you wants to leave so that there is no argument during the evening.  Work out what you will do for after care.  After care is important as BDSM and power exchange sessions can touch off intense emotions.  Adrenalin can run high and after you pump out lots of it, you will have a physiological drop so it is important to plan for this.  Quiet cuddle time usually works well as after care.  But keep in mind that drop may not occur immediately so if you are feeing suddenly emotional 48 hours later, make time for each other or make time to look after yourself.

Building anticipation

In the lead up to the event, you may find that anticipation is building.  This is great when the event itself is all you hoped it would be.  If the event turns out to be bad or a drag, it can be an even bigger let down because of the built up anticipation.  At those times, remind yourself that this isn’t the only time you will try something and that you learn from everything you try.  Then see if you can find the things that are positive you can pull from the experience.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe!  The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources.  I look forward to seeing you next week for part 5 of this series when we will cover resources so you can connect with other players, find events, find clothing, accessories and erotica.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the reality of 50 Shades Part 3

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship. Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. We have been delving deep into these areas for the past two episodes. Quick recap: For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged.

Joining me today to continue the discussion are Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who have the House of Kemi-Nesew. They are both lifestyle dominants for more than the past 15 years.

First I asked them to describe what a dominant couple led household looks like.

They both emphasised that it requires one vision and that they discuss things together and lead from there.  We spoke about the difference between this type of household and one where there is a dominant at the top and a switch (someone who is dominant sometimes and submissive others) next and others underneath. Pharaoh highlighted that this is still a single led household so one person is responsible for all final decisions. They pointed out that they are able to support each other because they both have the same vision even to the point of one stepping in during a scene if the other is finding energy a bit low.

We highlighted the fact that service to a couple is not only possible but can be very rewarding. It can be a bit complicated but certainly isn’t too complicated to work.  They spoke of wanting people who are clear they are submissive to both of them and that they will be taking direction from both of them and wanting people who are already adults and handle their own lives. They are not interested in total power exchange at this time as it is far too much energy and they have a child at home and don’t want to be overt in front of their child.

We talked about the fact that some people are completely out in front of their children and the details of their lives are clear and that many of us feel that we don’t want to give our children too much information as we want them to enjoy their childhoods without having to think about things they are not yet ready to deal with.

We spoke about the joys in having someone who has a high level of congruence to share the head of household with and that communication is essential to making these relationships work.

They pointed out that people who are new to this type of relationship benefit from having mentors and that even experienced folk find benefit in having a mentor to talk through difficult bits of relationships with. Pharoah pointed out that lifestyle and kinky relationships require putting all your cards on the table immediately so that people know what they are getting into and that there is lots of conversation and negotiation early on whereas vanilla relationships tend to build slowly and often people find themselves emotionally committed before really knowing each other.

We spoke about the desire for love and thinking that you can only love one person at a time being one of the problems that dominants are presented with and that many people enter this new type of relationship with the patterns from their old relationships still in place. Many are looking for husbands or wives and just substitute Master or Mistress as the terms they use. This does not work well.  We ended with encouragement to consider this lifestyle and to approach a dominant couple.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go here I look forward to seeing you next week

 

 

Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the

reality of 50 Shades Part 2

Welcome to my virtual therapy room! I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. As this podcast contains adult material, if you don’t have total privacy you might want to wear headphones.
Today we are continuing our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship. If you have not heard part one, please go and download it from iTunes of
.
Last week we focused on some definitions and an introductory discussion around where we found power dynamics, power exchange and BDSM. Joining me to start our discussion into these areas and to delve into
some of the theory is Dr Kevin Boileau, psychoanalyst andphilosopher to speak on this topic.

We started by talking about reflection and Dr Boileau made the point that there is direct reflection where you think about your thoughts and a pre-reflective and preconscious space where you act on intuition and there is flow and spontaneity.

We spoke about this being so especially when you are exploring anything that involves extreme motivation as sexuality does. Dr Boileau spoke of the daimonic which can turn demonic -aggressive and violent without responsibility or be open to experience, responsible and eros-laden.

We spoke about normative sexual relationships as being dictated by culture, family upbringing and Dr Boileau adds corporatized and dictated by a patriarchal capitalist structure. He describes these as
very routinized relationships and spoke of the structure coming from the 9 to 5 job, Monday to Friday with family obligations at weekends. And that people who step out of this mold can find themselves
shamed.
We spoke about people who explore this type of sexuality as having higher levels of awareness and empathy with a willingness to listen and the interrelational exploration increasing empathy and ability to
communicate.

We then moved on to talk about power more directly.

Dr Boileau highlighted that in the old days power was seen as a thing where as now it is described relationally. So we would look at power as a strategic and tactical relationship and that
describes your place in the dynamic and your ability to make an impact on those around you in a variety of circumstances.
Dr Boileau then went on to say that people who enter in to this exploration have a moral obligation to do it in a way that does not harm psychologically and that this is why it is important to learn
from those who are more experienced. He spoke about the need for people to reflect so that they are not simply acting on impulses saying they need to be in charge of themselves. Then we discussed
the value in having a mentor.

We spoke about the shame people can experience when they engage in something that normative society doesn’t overtly sanction and also how people can feel shame if they are in a committed relationships and they wish to explore but their partner does not.

We spoke of the difficulty couples have when one person grows and changes and said that sometimes the other person may find it hard to support the growth as they are scared of losing their partner
because they do not recognise this person as the one they fell in love with. We agreed that speaking with a psychotherapist who has expertise in working with these areas or a sex coach with expertise in
these areas is important and can make the difference between weathering the difficult patch and creating something great together and the relationship ending.
At the end of the show, I suggested that the next time we talk, we discuss why people would want to engage in BDSM or power exchange as I am often asked this question. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions
you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that
says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week for part 3 of the series when I speak with Pharoah Khaf-Ra and Empress Nahara, a dominant couple.

BDSM and Power Exchange Part 1

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.

Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship.

Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. In the next four episodes of Sex Spoken Here we will delve deep into these areas. For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged.

Joining me to start our discussion into these areas and to delve into some of the theory is Dr Kevin Boileau, psychoanalyst and philosopher to speak on this topic. It’s good to see you Dr Boileau.

We started by introducing the topics of power exchange, BDSM and power dynamics in relationships.

Of the many points made,  one of the most important was that in order to explore these areas , a person needs to be self-aware and to take responsibility with a capital R (for self and for other).

Dr Boileau spoke about the different forms of power and how power is a part of all aspects of our lives.  He spoke about the creativity involved in deciding to explore power exchange and BDSM in a committed relationship or even in a shorter term relationship and that this creativity creates a space for growth.  He spoke of the importance of creating a safe space and also recognition that for some people entering into this type of exploration can be a negative experience.

Dr Boileau pointed out that the concept of sadomasochism is a complex one. He highlighted that there are true sadists with varying levels of psychopathology who simply enjoy hurting others and that there are also masochists who gain enjoy pain in unhealthy ways.

We talked about the level of responsibility if you are entering into a consensual power exchange and that it means that a person has to consider more about what they are actually agreeing to do and so often paves the way for growth.

We spoke of the shame that can be involved in trying to talk about these very intimate issues and for some people there is shame in even thinking about these things and how much easier it can be if there is a third person present, often a professional, to help make it safer to explore and experience and express the feelings that come with intimacy and being creative around intimate behaviour.

This was very much an introduction to terms with definitions of bondage, discipline and sadomasochism, power and power dynamics. In the next episode, we delve deeper into some of the theory relating to these types of roles, relationships and lifestlyes and provide more concrete specific examples.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week