Podcasts that cover BDSM and Power Exchange

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Sex Spoken Here: Mason deRou

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am interviewing Mason deRou.  This is part one of a two part interview.

Master Mason deRou is a primal Master who began his walk into the public kink scene in 2009.

He has dominion over Miss Kimi deRou and together they form La Maison deRou.  Mason deRou is also the commander of La Meute de Rougaroux (the Rougarou Pack).  He is a uniform fetishist, pony trainer, erotic photographer and also loves the littles.  Mason leverages his relative y9outh to build bridges among several kinky tribes and subcultures, allowing the voices of both past and current generations of kinksters to be heard.  Mason has presented at BESS, Black Rose, CLUE, Weekend Reunion and several MaST chapters.  Mason is the president of the Master-Dominant Consortium and is one of the founding members of the Leather Houses of Color Coalition.  He is a member of MAsT DC Pan and MAsT Washington and is also an alumnus of the MTTA Academy (Master Training XX).  Mason resides in southern Maryland.

Mason deRou starts  talking about education by talking about structure and we spend some time talking about the military and what structure looks like in the military.

He goes on to  say that he follows the power.

He looks for the people who are in authority.  He spoke about the fact that someone was telling him that when people had to start from the bottom to be a Master if you have that policy you never run out of bottoms. He spoke of always wanting to know the why.  We talk about the end result but not what started it. We need discernment skills to not take stuff at face value and the critical thinking.  Mason  deRou says that in the military they think between the boxes not outside the box.  He wishes that people would think that way so we would not have the petty arguments that don’t matter.   He says military people know how to act – they have a code that will get them through the day.  Step 1 learn to critical think and step 2 is to learn discernment – to choose to use this.

Mason deRou asks do we really want accountability?

He says that the problem with a call out culture around consent violations and perceived bad behaviour is that people can’t discern – was it a mistake, was it a bad decision, was it someone just not caring, was it someone being an ass?   Responses generally come from your own experience and lots is not put out in public.  People often don’t discern they respond to personality instead – or cliques.  People respond the best way they know how but they don’t have enough information.  There is always some crucial piece that doesn’t make it online.  Given that – we don’t want to call people out because discernment is a problem – we cannot decide as a group – there is not enough discernment to say as a group – this person made a mistake and have apologised and made amends versus this person is an asshole and just does it all the time.

We moved from here to talk about risk management and risk assessment.

We talk about SSC (safe sane consensual) but a lot of stuff I do ain’t safe or sane and if we take this view we will risk manage better.  A lot of us are adrenalin junkies – all this stuff is risky.  It is not that someone is purposely doing something.  We have to be able to take responsibility and risk assess and risk manage.   Mason deRou and I talked further about consent and the fact that we can’t even talk about proper informed medical consent.

We moved to talk about litigiousness and liability.  Mason deRou said if we took that track about a lot of what we do – we probably wouldn’t do half of the stupid things we do.

Can the person even give consent?  Are they in an impaired state of mind?  Mason points out that lots of endorphins can produce an impaired state of mind and therefore the person can’t give consent.  And people get upset when you bring this up because you are messing with their fun.   Just because you risk assess doesn’t mean you don’t do something – you acknowledge the risk, list the reasons it is crazy and then make a decision if you are going to go ahead as well.   Mason points out that when you make an error you have to be accountable and give a genuine apology and make amends.   You have to have some credibility with yourself when that happens so when you do that to someone, they are more apt to be willing to hear you out.  Can still make the choice but everyone has to know what they are getting into.    There is a difference between playing with someone you know and pick up play  – where you just met someone.    We talked about making bad choices versus blaming others.    Who had the ultimate responsibility for the scene?  The top has the responsibility for the scene.  If you don’t want it, don’t take the responsibility.

Mason deRou gave a shout out to Black Rose who do a BDSM 101 where people can talk to people and learn without being able to play.

Gateway.

BESS in Baltimore.

Mason deRou says you are at the whim of what you can find in your local area.  I say that I am putting together of an archive of basic topics because of interviewing people over time.  Lots more of an online presence for information where you can Q & A. Mason says the second part of what we need is an enforcement to see if people have been to a basic course so they have the basic skills and required people to have a card to show this order to play at a local dungeon.  If we invested in not moving if you can’t prove that someone has knowledge.  We are only willing to accept a certain level of risk.   People need to invest in the basic skills – communication and negotiation skills.  Of course that does involve work and Mason says some people don’t want to work.

 

The best place to find Mason deRou

At an event.  If you are out and about in Washington DC I’ve been at the Crucible, I’ve been to BESS.  Online Mason deRou on Facebook and on Fetlife LeRougaroux.  There is a group LeRougaroux’s Den with lots of readings. You can follow without sending a friend request.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  This week we talked about consent, risk assessment, the importance of education in BDSM and how the community polices itself and the problems with this.  If any of this triggered you, please write me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com and I will help you to find resources.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.

I look forward to seeing you next week.

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Rewards and Punishments

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am talking about rewards and punishments.

This may seem an unusual topic for sex and relationships.  However, I was talking about authority transfer based relationships recently with a friend about rewards and punishments and when I thought more about it, the topic applies to other relationships as well.

Rewards are the things that feel good to us.

Punishments are the things that don’t feel good to us.  If you want to shape behaviour, using both can work extremely well. One thing I have noticed working with people over the years is that often others make assumptions about what their partner or child will find rewarding or punishing.  If you get this wrong, you will not get the effect you are looking for.

Often parents send children to their room as a punishment.  However, usually, in a child’s room is all their favourite things – laptop, tablet, phone, toys, stuffed toys, etc.  So being sent to their room is actually a reward as they are being given time to go play on their own.

I advise couples to discuss what they find rewarding and punishing.  For example, one partner might find time and undivided attention to be the best way of showing them how much they are loved.  Another might want lots of presents.      I also advise couples to look at their expectations at the same time.  Making agreements about expectations, rewards and punishments can strengthen a relationship.

In authority transfer based relationships, spelling out rewards and punishments is common.

Again it is important to make sure that a punishment is truly a punishment and a reward truly a reward.   It is useful too look at what type of system works best for your person.  Some people modify behaviour best as a result of being rewarded when they do well. Others work best when they are punished for doing wrong.

It is important to remember that we can only truly control ourselves so truly to modify someone else’s behaviour does not have guaranteed results.  It is also essential to have consent from the person whose behaviour you are seeking to modify.

If you are interested in the history of behaviour modification, have a look at Pavlov’s work and BF Skinner’s work.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week

 

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Sex Spoken Here: Difference between BDSM and Abuse

Sex Spoken Here: What is the Difference Between BDSM and Abuse

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about the difference between BDSM and Abuse.

The difference between BDSM and an abuse or an abusive relationship in a word: CONSENT.

Everything done in a BDSM relationship is done with the consent of all parties.    The consent must be clear and unambiguous and not be as the result of pressure.  The parties need to be able to give consent.    If these conditions are met, then there is nothing abusive about even the most extreme BDSM relationships.

Abuse can be the result of coercion.   It can also be straight forward.  The dividing line is consent.

What does consent look like?

Consent comes as the result of a discussion that talks about hard limits (things you absolutely won’t do) and soft limits (things you don’t think you are interested in or you don’t think you will do but this may change) and things you would like to do.    Agreements are made about limits: activities that are on the ‘yes’ list, activities that are on the ‘maybe’ list, activities on the ‘hell no’ list.  Agreements are made about how we will communicate in the middle of rough sex or a BDSM scene or even an ordinary situation in the world that something is a problem, or ‘stop right now’, or ‘I am enjoying myself.’  For ‘Stop right now’ we often have safe words or gestures.  These are things that cannot be misinterpreted and that will tell the person who is the active partner/top/dominant that a hard limit is being approached or has been reached.

Ethical dominants know that negotiating to push a limit in the middle of a scene is not appropriate as a person cannot give consent in the middle of a scene (because of the power imbalance, because of their mental state – high on the scene).

Even in relationships in which there is a 24/7 authority transfer, there are discussions about limits and consent and importantly how to withdraw consent.

There is a lot of erotica out there that talks about ‘no limits’ relationships and ones in which withdrawal of consent is not allowed.  The premise is that once someone becomes a slave, they no longer have the authority to leave the relationship.    In real life, breakdown of the relationship and how to exit is something that is discussed as part of an extended negotiation when someone is considering a 24/7 authority transfer relationship.    Some people have a ritual involved (the slave has to beg for release) others do not.  In non-abusive relationships, the parameters of the relationship including limits and exiting the relationship are discussed before relationship properly begins and often a written document is made detailing rules, responsibilities and agreements as well as what happens in the event of a break up.

In some ethical 24/7 relationships, the slave or submissive is not allowed to say no to any particular activities however they are given space to say why they would wish to say no and their feelings and reasons are considered by their Master, Ma’am, Sir or Dominant.    If there is no space to express an opinion ever, it is likely the relationship is abusive.

There may be an acceptable format for expressing an opinion or a ritual for expressing an opinion.   As long as it is possible for the parties to raise their feelings, views and concerns, the relationship is likely to be non-abusive.

Many people who pursue BDSM are misled by abusive people telling them that ‘true slaves’ or ‘true submissives’ don’t have limits.

These abusive people pressure their desired prey to give up all control before they know much about the person they are giving control up to.  Many groom online and after a long acquaintance online lull the other person into a false sense of security.  No real life tests of the dominant’s identity and situation have been undertaken and yet there is trust.  In these situations, it is easy for people to fall prey to abuse.  They have invested a lot emotionally in the relationship and don’t want to lose it so they often will relent and say yes to things that they are truly not happy to consent to.

As abusive partners do in more ordinary relationships, abusive partners isolate their ultimate victims.  They make it difficult for the person to talk to family and friends – often saying that family or friends would not understand their special relationship.  After a while, the victim feels as though the only person they have in their life is the abuser.

This can happen in non-monogamous relationships as well.  An abuser can work hard to see everything is kept within the family and the whole family can become isolated.

Abusive partners apply pressure in the form of threats to leave and more subtly through comparisons so the victim fears losing the abuser.  Abusive partners actively seek to denigrate and diminish their partners’ so that they lose self-esteem and confidence.  Ethical dominants seek to support their partners to be the best they can be.  After all, when a person is shining and others see it, they reflect well on those who have them in their care.   If you find yourself shrinking back at my last statement, think about parents and children.  When a child accomplishes something or is well mannered, often parents are complimented as it is assumed that some of the reason the child is this way is to do with the environment of their upbringing.  If you feel pride in your child why would you shrink from feeling pride in a partner’s accomplishments?

The difference between BDSM relationships and abusive ones can sometimes feel hard to unpick as there are abusive BDSM relationships as well as ones that are really healthy.

Here are a few of my guidelines for making the distinction between abuse and healthy:

  • If you feel worse about yourself since you have become involved with them, then the relationship may be abusive.
  • If they consistently ignore your limits even though you have negotiated these, then the relationship may be abusive.
  • If they regularly try to renegotiate when you are tired, in an altered state of consciousness for whatever reason (drugs, alcohol, illness, subspace, tired, stressed), then the relationship may be abusive.
  • If you have a gut feeling that something isn’t right, then the relationship may be abusive
  • If they work hard to isolate you, then the relationship maybe be abusive.
  • If they consistently do things that make you feel less than or unimportant and fear that they will leave, then the relationship may be abusive.

If you are unsure, find someone who is BDSM knowledgeable to talk through these issues as they are not going to automatically assume a relationship that has authority transfer as part of it is abusive or a relationship in which you are subject to physical punishment is abusive.  They will understand consent and be able to help you parse out what is going on.

You may want to seek therapy or coaching if you find yourself in a situation that feels like it may be abusive or even just feels as though it is not for you.

If you choose to do so (and it can be extremely helpful to work through issues with an objective person), make sure that the therapist you choose is someone who is kink and BDSM knowledgeable.  That way you are less likely to find that you are hearing their own prejudices and you won’t have to teach the therapist about your general world and relationship view, just about the view that applies to you as an individual and your relationships.   You can find a list of kink and BDSM knowledgeable therapist on the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s website (https://www.ncsfreedom.org/) In the UK, many therapists who are kink, BDSM and non-monogamy knowledgeable and friendly can be found on Pink Therapy’s website (https://www.pinktherapy.com/).

Marjorie wrote in:  Alfie and I have been together for about a year.  We met online and our relationship was really strong by the time we met each other IRL 8 months later.  I have become accustomed to thinking of him as my Master and I as his slave as we agreed an authority transfer relationship.  Since we have been together IRL, I have been feelings more and more uncomfortable.  He ignores the limits we agreed on during our negotiations.  One of my hardest limits was marks on my face and neck because I am a medical doctor and going in to work with visible marks causes problems with my colleagues and worries my patients.   The first couple of times he left a mark on my face, he said it was an accident but now it happens almost weekly and it is really making things awkward at work.  When I try to talk with him about it, he reminds me that I agreed to a 24/7 authority transfer relationship and that if I want to leave that relationship, we would not be seeing each other anymore.    I don’t want to lose him so I apologise for making an issue out of it.  But it still doesn’t feel right to me.  This week I talked to a good friend about it and she says that the relationship is abusive and unhealthy and I should leave.  She has no experience with BDSM and I know she disapproves so I don’t know if her advice is accurate or comes from her own biases.  Please advise.

Thanks for writing in Marjorie.  From your description, this is an abusive relationship.  An ethical Master would protect your career as it serves them to have you doing well and being successful.  Successful people who like their work are happier in other aspects of their lives.   An ethical Master would stick with your agreements and if they wanted to modify an agreement, make space for you to express your thoughts and feelings and take these into account.  Ethical Masters do not rule by fear alone.  This man is playing on your fears including your fear of losing him.    Of course my response is with only the information you have provided me – so your mileage may vary.  I would advise you to see a kink and bdsm knowledgeable coach or therapist or peer counsellor and talk your situation through.

Today I talked about abuse versus BDSM. If you were triggered by any of the issues raised or if you simply have a question or comment, please write to me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.

If you want advice via email, I have a relatively low cost plan.

Please email me about it at loribeth@drloribethbisbey.com    If you would like regular information with updates about blogs, courses, podcasts and my adventures, please sign up for my regular list by emailing drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .

I look forward to seeing you next week.

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Reboot: Sex Love Stories 6

Here is a reboot of Sex Love Stories 6 with Anita Cassidy please enjoy:

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 6:  Anita Cassidy

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Joining me today is author Anita Cassidy.

Anita Cassidy describes herself as a white British woman, age 41 who grew up moving around a lot because her father was in the Royal Air Force.

We started with her first awareness of herself as a sexual being and she said that this wasn’t until she was 14 or 15.  She said she didn’t touch herself and that sex wasn’t talked about in her home.  She described her first awareness as noticing her body’s response to movies (and being uncomfortable watching them with her parents), enjoying the Sunday Sport images of naked women and stories about sex and described saving enough pennies to try to listen to the women talk on the phone sex lines.

Anita Cassidy said her first proper sexual experience was when she was 17 and with a boyfriend.

She spoke about being ready to have sex and being excited to explore this new chapter of her life.  She talked about the next number of boyfriends she had where the relationships were good and the sex was pleasant if not exciting.   She spoke about stable relationships through university and then moving to London and moving in with her boyfriend.

Anita spoke about her first job in advertising sales for the Independent and that the atmosphere at work was very sexually charged and she enjoyed this.  She commented that this is interesting given current focus on sexual harassment and whether there is any place for sex and relationships in the workplace.   She talked about a period of time spent exploring and how much she enjoyed this and being the centre of attention.

Anita Cassidy talked about reaching 26 and deciding it was time to be serious so that she was taken seriously.

She identifies this time as when she truly split her mind from her body and that she didn’t believe she could have both and exciting sexual life and a serious career.  Anita spoke of marrying and that the sex was ‘good enough’ but not really exciting.  She said that she was pregnant within 6 months of marriage and the focus became on having a family.  She said that they were not a couple who had no sex for many months and that they talked about making sure they were still having sex but said that they never talked about sexual desires, wants or needs.

Anita Cassidy highlighted this as a theme throughout her life up to that point.

Anita spoke of realising she was bored and unhappy once her children were both in school and child care.  She said she ended up in a conversation with a man she met through her writing and that this was when she discovered kink and BDSM.  She described this as though someone had ‘walked through (my) mind and turned all the lights on’.  She spoke of reading Dr Meg-John Barker’s ‘Rewriting the Rules’ and asking her husband to read the book as well.  She talked about the painful conversation that led to them opening up their marriage.

Anita talked about finally integrating her sexual needs and desires and how amazing this is.  She spoke of this transforming the rest of her life.

Anita Cassidy’s book is available to pre-order now on Amazon.  Here is the link:

Appetite

Today we spoke about being kinky, BDSM, Master/slave relationships, non-monogamy, the importance of congruence and communication, the wonders of being raised without shame around sexuality. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.

Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information:

BDSM dating

D/s Relationships

Consent

Communication

Non-Monogamy 1

Non-Monogamy 2

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.  The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services.

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Reboot: Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 1

Travelling – please enjoy this reboot of sex love stories 1

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 1 Intro and My Story

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am starting a series that is different from the ones I usually do.  Since I started this podcast, I have covered different topics to do with sex, sexuality, gender and relationships over two or three weeks, looking at each topic in moderate depth.   In this new series, I am interviewing people from all walks of life about their journeys to sexual authenticity and integration.  Different people are in different places on their journeys.  Some are close to the beginning, others in the middle and still others have reached a place of authenticity and integration and their journeys are focused on more pleasure and more learning.    For each story, I’ll give a short summary and I will provide some advice or tips for further learning or help if you need it with any of the issues talked about during the story.     It is my hope that you will see yourself somewhere in these stories and you will gain support and inspiration from them.  Some of them are really hard in places and they also contain great joy.  Your sexual journey is as unique as your lip print (which is as unique as a fingerprint – as is your nose print, ear print and your eyes).

My journey is a long one, so grab a cup of tea, coffee or your favourite tipple, any nibbles you choose and get comfortable.  When you listen to these stories, try to listen without judgement.  Reflect on your own story and each unique piece that makes you authentically you.

Many people believe that all good stories begin ‘Once upon a time’ but that beginning is for a fairy tale and my story starts in the real world.   As a pre-teen, my fantasies were about having a master and living in a bottle like the show I Dream of Jeannie.  I created a decorated a bottle to live in.  I didn’t know why I wanted this, I just did.

By the time I reached my teens, the fantasy was more detailed.  There were Masters and Mistresses, and other slave women (for that is how I saw the genie).   I was sexually precocious for a number of reasons that I will leave for another day.  At 13, I was desperate to lose my virginity but I was ashamed of my desire.  I got it in my head that doing so at 13 would be too young and therefore make me a slut so I decided to wait until after my 14th birthday.  I had a boyfriend at the time and I made him wait until 10 days after my 14th birthday.   Before my birthday, I discovered the joys of blow jobs.  I loved the feelings that giving a blow job gave me.  My boyfriend counted himself lucky.

My boyfriend’s parents were divorced.  He was 16 and lived with his mom.  She didn’t mind him bringing me to his bedroom.  As a result, I lost my virginity in a comfortable room, in a clean comfortable bed, with Pink Floyd’s Darkside of the Moon album playing on the stereo.  We used condoms and he was careful to work on arousing me before the first penetration.  There was nothing at all traumatic about the experience.  It hurt a little but within a few minutes it was feeling good.   It was a great entry to the world of fucking and I have been grateful for this ever since.  When I finally did experience traumatic sex, I knew that sex could be seriously good which meant I knew it could be again.

Shortly after this, I had my first proper girlfriend.  I had fooled around with some of my female friends earlier – kissing here and there, an occasional fondle.  S was my first real girlfriend.  With her, I discovered the joys of eating pussy.  At that time, I preferred to be the one giving not receiving.

My desires to be forced, to be a slave, to be told what to do, just increased as time went on.  At 14, I got involved with Perry who was 18 while I was at summer camp.  He worked in the kitchen and I was a camper.  He was so sexy and wrote poetry.  He would read to me.  It wasn’t long before my parents broke us up.  The age difference was the main reason.  I had not even entered high school and he had already graduated and was headed to university.  Perry introduced me to proper erotica.   As I was and still am a voracious reader, I was in heaven.  I was relieved to see that there were other people like me, who had cravings like mine.  None of my friends who I tried to confide in understood my cravings at all.  I would end up feeling shamed when I spoke about my desires so I quickly learned not to speak of them.  I also loved sex and had no desire for a monogamous relationship.  This had me labelled as a slut very quickly.

The girls I got involved with didn’t want me to be with boys.  The boys I got involved with wanted me to bring the girls I liked home so they could watch but weren’t happy if I saw them separately.  High school was filled with experimentation and promiscuity.  I did not feel good about myself, however.  I had accepted what others were saying – that there was something wrong with wanting the things I wanted and something wrong with wanting sex with more than one person and something wrong with wanting boys and girls.

I read the Story of O and Return to the Chateau.  At 15 while at summer school, I saw the movie.  I also saw the movie Swept Away with Giancarlo Giannini.  I read 9 ½ weeks.  But I still hadn’t yet had a relationship that included much more than pushing my head down when I was giving head.

I went off to university at 17 in the autumn of 1980.  I was registering for English classes when I saw a lithe man with long hair, a goatee who was smoking a pipe.   I fell for him before we even spoke.  His presence struck me and when he introduced himself, I was stammering.  J and I began a relationship shortly after.  Our sex had more than a little power exchange.  There was some breath play and lots of intensity.  It was electrifying.  This was what I had been fantasising about since I was 9.   Our relationship was cut short by his live in girlfriend just before the end of my freshman year.  By this point, I was a bit less ashamed of my desires.  Some of them had begun to feel just a part of me.  I didn’t feel bad about my love for men and women.  I no longer beat myself up because I often loved more than one person at the same time.  I still felt pressure to fit in to my parent’s model of relationships but I was away at university so I felt a degree of freedom to experiment.

I started sophomore year with a re-newed relationship with J with D’s agreement.  This was my first proper foray into an ethical non-monogamous relationship.  It fit me beautifully.  I was thrilled to be able to be honest and I certainly didn’t want one partner.   The first semester was filled with exploration and lots of seriously hot sex.  I still had a small amount of shame about my desire to engage in rough sex and to be dominated, but I was feeling better and better about myself.

At the end of May, D introduced me to Alton telling me ‘I think you two will really hit it off.’.  Alton was 26 years old and I was just 19.  He was tall, slender with burnt sienna skin, a long-ish brown fro with a small white stripe – reminded me of a lightning bolt.  His eyes were captivating and his voice hit me right in the pussy – deep, smooth, liquid with plenty of bass.    The attraction was immediate.  We went out for a bite after work.  Alton drew all sorts of information out of me during that first talk.  I was unsophisticated and didn’t see how he was leading me.    By the time the evening came to an end, I was lost.  He took me home, kissed me goodnight and arranged to see me the next day.

Alton told me that women he dated had to agree to obey him or he didn’t get involved.  He promised we would go slowly and if there was anything I truly did not want to do, he wouldn’t press me.   He was one of my fantasies come to life.  It didn’t take me long to agree.

The next night, Alton came over and we had sex for hours.  It was hot, intense sex.  He was very large so it took me being extremely aroused to manage his size.   When I gagged on him, he pulled back, helped me to relax and try again.  It got easier to manage his size even when he was controlling the action. Orgasm had mostly alluded me during fucking and or having any kind of penetrative sex and my male lovers to that point didn’t eat pussy.  Orgasm with Alton felt easy.  His hands pulling my head back, his teeth on my neck and breasts while he pounded into me just seemed to work.

This was 1982 and I used a diaphragm for birth control so I didn’t use condoms.  I was careful to make sure my diaphragm was inserted properly.  I didn’t want to get pregnant.  I didn’t worry much about disease as I believed all the myths of the time about catching diseases and most of the things I might catch were relatively easily curable.  I was like most of my peers.  We felt invincible.

After a few days, Alton stopped leaving my place in the morning.  He didn’t move stuff in but he stayed.  10 days after we first went out, we headed out for a drink and his attitude was more serious.  There was an edge I hadn’t seen before.  I didn’t know that he had a cocaine addiction.  In fact, he used intravenously. I didn’t know he was withdrawing and that was making him really ratty.  I didn’t have access to money to give him.  My bills were paid by my parents.  My extra money came from the same job that Alton had – telesales.  I was a supervisor in the office, checking the sales made by the others.

We got to the bar and Alton began to interrogate me.  He asked questions about my other lovers.  He demanded details about what I had done, how I felt.  He told me he didn’t believe that I was committed to him.  He told me he thought I was a fake, not really submissive, not really willing to obey.  I felt confused, hurt and also scared that he would leave.  I was having the best sexual relationship of my life and I had strong feelings for him.  I didn’t want to lose him.  By the time we left, I was feeling off balance.  We were half way down Brookline Ave when he pushed me into a doorway and down to my knees.  He demanded I suck him off.  I was overwhelmed, frightened and a little excited.  My hesitation was met with a growl of ‘Obey!’.  I did and when he finished, he dragged me to my feet and we headed back to my flat.

From that evening, things changed.  Alton was rough and mean in his handling of me so at the end of the day, I said no.  I told him I wanted him to leave.  He laughed at me.  He came for me with a closed fist and began to beat me.  I was shocked, then I struggled but it did no good.  He was far stronger than I.  I screamed but no one came.  Eventually, I just took the beating.  When he finished, I couldn’t put my legs together as my thighs were too bruised.

For 5 days, Alton kept me captive.  He beat me repeatedly.  He raped me repeatedly.  He humiliated me.  Twice he choked me until there was no breath in me and I died.  When I came back it was to him pounding on my chest and giving me mouth to mouth.  He fed me nothing.  He poured alcohol down my throat.   Friends came to see me but I was too afraid to say what was going on directly.  I tried using code.  I was convinced he was going to kill me.   On the 6th morning, Alton got up, showered and dressed and told me he was going out and I wasn’t to talk to anyone or to go out.  An hour after he left, J came by and found me shaking and weak.   My face was covered in little red dots (called petechial hemmorhages) because he burst all my capilliaries strangling me.  The bruising on my vulva and my inner thighs was so severe that my skin was black.    I told J that I needed to get away, that I was in danger.  I packed a gym bag with socks, a t-shirt, sweats and butcher knife, a set of hand cuffs and my jewelry and my journal.  I wouldn’t tell J where I was going.  I was afraid Alton would find out.  I told him I would let him know when I was safe.

I went into Cambridge and was lucky that a good Samaritan found me wandering aimlessly and took me to a café and bought me a meal.  I had no money with me.   He helped me contact D and she met me at the hospital.  The rape exam is a story for another time.   As is the story of the police, preliminary hearing and the eventual plea bargain because the DA was afraid to try to prosecute rape when I had slept with Alton consensually before.

I developed PTSD after this event.  Probably no surprise.  I entered therapy quickly with a lovely older man who was a Jungian analyst.  I remember very little of the contents of the therapy except that I remember a warm non-judgemental presence who helped me to be able to breathe and continue my studies but who was unable to help me get rid of the nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and the intense shame that despite all that Alton did to me, I still wanted rough sex and a dominant partner and there were some things that he did to me that I would fantasise about.

I found myself attracted to older men who had an edge.  These were Vietnam veterans who had PTSD. It was a strange coincidence.  I was now 20 years old and there wasn’t anywhere where I came into contact with veterans.  But I was involved with three in a row. All of them were 16 years or more older than I.   All of them were dominant but only with the last one did I enter any kind of stated power exchange relationship.  My liasions with women during this time were fleeting.   And all of my sexual relationships were tinged with shame.

I graduated from university and re-located to North Carolina where I met S.  This was my next power exchange relationship and I fell into it without really knowing what was happening.  I spent the next year exploring the dynamics of a dominant submissive relationship.  There was just one problem.  I couldn’t surrender.  I wanted to so badly but I couldn’t let go.  Orgasm eluded me as it had mostly since Alton because orgasm meant losing control.  I was fine if I was masturbating because I was safe.  With a partner, orgasm was nigh on impossible.  In the autumn, I left North Carolina for graduate school in clinical psychology in California.

Throughout graduate school, I took reckless sexual risks.  I hooked up with strangers to try out various kinks and BDSM.  Looking back, I’m lucky that I was not injured or killed.  I was in therapy during this time, still trying to get my PTSD symptoms to go away and deal with the resultant depression.  They did not.  Hypervigilance had me walking round the house at night, checking all the windows and doors repeatedly.  I lived with G for a year and he taught me that orgasm was much more likely if someone was eating my pussy.    I had a couple of girl friends who added evidence to this lesson.  I hooked up with J, G and T from university and indulged in group sex.  I spent time on Compuserve and on bulletin boards talking with people who were Masters, slaves, tops, bottoms and into all sorts of kinks.  I went to private parties and underground clubs.  I met K and had a whirlwind romance with elements of all of my desires and it ended badly.  I got involved with a woman who insisted that I was truly a lesbian and that the reason I was sexually unsatisfied was that I hadn’t found the right woman.   She wasn’t the right one.  (This has happened a lot – both men and women have felt the need to explain to me that if I found the right insert gender here I would be het or gay or monogamous or I wouldn’t want kink)

Then I met my first husband at a conference on PTSD and a treatment method called Traumatic Incident Reduction.  His accent did me in.  He was tall with dark hair, moustache and pale skin.  Extremely good looking.  I was on the rebound.    The initial sex was good though very vanilla.  There was no orgasm for me but I enjoyed the sex.

I signed up to experience TIR and spent a week working intensively with a facilitator.  It was nothing short of miraculous.  At the end of that week, my symptoms of PTSD were gone and most of them were never to return. (I still have some hypervigilance in certain situations and get tactile defensive).  I had my energy back.  I was no longer depressed.  I could sleep.  No more flashbacks.  3 months later I agreed to marry Stephen and 3 months after that I was living in the UK.

Stephen was alcoholic.  I hadn’t really understood that until he went into withdrawal before our first wedding date and ended up in hospital with a gastric bleed.  He agreed to stop drinking and did for three years.  Those three years were a nightmare.  Alcoholics who stop drinking are crazy for the first year or two of recovery depending up on the severity and length of the addiction and whether they are working a program.  He was not.  Our sex life was sporadic and not satisfactory for either of us.  I remember clearly when I complained that he didn’t wait for me to even get close to coming, he said that he didn’t care if I came as long as he got his.  When Stephen started drinking again, it got worse.   I had sex 12 times in 8 years.  I finally left.

I met up with N, 4 months later.  He gave me permission to play again.  After 8 years of no sex and at 35 years old, I was back out in the single world.  I did some personal spiritual work and personal development work that left me feeling comfortable with my desire to submit, surrender, be dominated and even comfortable with my more masochistic desires, feeling comfortable with my desire for non-monogamy and happy in my bisexuality.    I told N that I was finally ready to go back and explore BDSM and the rest of my kink.  We enjoyed swinging together and have stayed family to this day.    6 months later, I met my second husband, F.

In hindsight, my hormones were driving my choice of F.  He is 12 years younger than I and was happy to be a stay at home dad.  He was relatively inexperienced sexually and it was quickly apparent that we weren’t sexually compatible.    But my hormones drove me forward.  I wanted a baby and time was running out.  This was not conscious!  Before we married, we clearly made a contract about ethical non-monogamy.  We decided that we needed to talk with each other before seeing another person and that each of us had the right to say we didn’t want a relationship to begin or continue.  F wasn’t interested in any of the kink that captivated me but I wasn’t concerned because I could find other partners to meet those needs.    In theory, it should have worked well.  In practice, it was a disaster.

I had my incredible son and became very ill.  My sex life with F was non-existent.  I began to explore again following the terms of our ethical non-monogamy.  I caught F lying about an online hook up and making plans to bring her to our home when I was away on a business trip.  He apologised and said it wouldn’t happen again.    Two years later, he had a real life affair that lasted over 6 months.   He told me when the husband of the woman he had the affair with threatened to tell me.   We separated 6 months after I found out about the affair.

I spent time in 2004 and 2005 at sex positive and BDSM events in the UK. Time I spent running round with a pro Domme and a pro Master and their pro slave really got me to a place where I felt totally comfortable with all of my sexual self.  I finally felt that I was able to express myself authentically, congruently and with no apologies.

I was in a relationship when I found out about F’s affair.  I continued to pursue this relationship and 6 months later headed to a spirituality conference.  I met TJ, my current husband at this event.  We talked a lot and the electricity was apparent throughout but we didn’t act on it.   We maintained our friendship through FaceBook at first and then through Skype calls.  We had lunch when I visited my boyfriend three months after we first met and this led to our first kiss (He threw me over the bonnet of the car in the midst of a main road in Hollywood.  The kiss was so hot we stopped traffic).  Ours was a power exchange relationship from the start.  We spent time talking and negotiating and being clear about the form we wanted our relationship to take.  4 months later I accepted his collar.  This was in 2009.

In 2010, we attend our first public kink event together.  It was at this event that I met a butch woman with whom I would have a tumultuous two year D/s relationship.  He was there with his wife and the four of us got along really well.  It was 2011 before we managed to hook up and the relationship started with lots of promise.

In 2010, TJ and I started attending an annual BDSM event for POC which lead to attending an annual sex positive BDSM event for POC.  We have developed a circle of friends some of whom are playmates.  We have had the opportunity to play in public, play as a couple with another couple, indulge in some threesomes.

When my relationship the woman I met in 2010 ended in 2013, I entered another relationship with a woman I was close friends with to that point.  I have maintained a number of relationships with women since that time.   I adore my woman only time.

I finally live in congruence.  My sexuality is expressed authentically and I am free to continue to learn and explore.   I no longer have any shame about who I am or how I choose to live my life.  I love my husband, my beloved girlfriend, my friends with benefits.  I love attending sex positive events and trying new things even at the age of 54.   I am grateful to all of the people who have walked a part of this journey with me, including Alton, without whom I would not be the person I am today.  Alton forced me to look at myself from all angles, to learn to love every part of myself because I could not recover from what he did with me otherwise.

Today I talked about sexual trauma, dominance and submission, BDSM, kink, bisexuality and non-monogamy.  If any of these areas resonate for you and you need some help with any issues that arise, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com and I can provide you with resources for further learning or set up a discovery session to talk about what might help you further.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and go to the contact page click where it says ‘click here’ to schedule.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.

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Sex Spoken Here: Strong Women and BDSM

Sex Spoken Here:  Strong Women and BDSM

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about strong women, BDSM and rough sex.

I am often asked how and why strong women can desire rough sex and if strong women who enter submissive relationships are really just play acting.

Submissive women are seen as easy to mold and passive in relationships.  While some submissive women are passive, many are strong, active women who find joy in surrendering and transferring authority to a dominant partner.  They enjoy service to someone who is stronger (or as strong) as they are.

I have talked about the basics of power exchange in the past.  But to recap

In all relationships, there exists power exchange.  One person is in charge of X and the other in charge of Y.  In some relationships, there is a balance of power most of the time, an equal division of labour, responsibilities and decision making.  In other relationships, most of the power lies with one person who has overall responsibility, and control of decision making.

Many so called ordinary relationships contain similar types of power exchange.

In religious households, there are often strict division of roles and the man is often the one who is in charge as head of household with the woman deferring to him in all decisions.

Current thinking is that it is authority that is exchanged or transferred rather than power.

This concept works better when looking at strong powerful submissives who continue to run many aspects of their lives.  The idea of taking power from a submissive rubs many dominants the wrong way.  They enjoy the power and the fact that they are given the authority to weald the power as they see fit.

Why would a woman want to be submissive if not for religious conviction?

For some of us, surrender is tantalising, exciting and ultimately a relief. As a strong woman, I am often in charge and in control whether it is to do with running my business or managing what needs to be done at home, social planning, financial planning, or parenting my teenage son.   When I was a teenager, I was often in charge of projects with friends and I learned early how to take responsibility and plan well so that my goals were reached.  I learned quickly that relying on other people often meant that things were not done the way I wanted them done or that they were not done at all.  I began to take more responsibility and more control in my life and became known as someone who could and would get things done.

Control felt good.  It felt safe.

I had difficulty with trust as a result of some early life experiences.  This made it even harder for me to give up control in any area of my life.  But more control can equal less pleasure as orgasm requires that you relinquish control.   At an early age, I found myself craving a dominant partner, someone who could take control from me, who could force me to surrender.

First I discovered romance novels, the type where the man carried the woman off and ravaged her.

I quickly discovered BDSM erotica and immersed myself in Story of O, Beauty’s tales amongst others.    My desire to submit grew.  When I began to have relationships that included BDSM, I discovered that submission and surrender were not easy for a girl who was so used to being in control.  I learned that in order to submit to someone, they had to be very intelligent, and someone I could respect and admire in the world.   In short, the person had to be stronger than I.  That is true to this day.  To some this sounds arrogant but I make no apologies.  I am a strong, highly intelligent, highly accomplished woman.

I am into BDSM and that includes rough sex and transfer of authority for me.

Some strong women are only into rough sex in the bedroom.  Rough sex is exciting, raw and powerful.  Giving up control to my stronger partner is liberating.  I can enjoy the experience of being brought to that edge of intense fear and pain then feeling it turn to intense pleasure.  Surrendering to the primal feelings is what energises me and pushes me into the most intense full body orgasms I have ever experienced.  It takes me out of my head, out of the knots in my body and pushes me through any barriers.

Rough sex is especially hot for strong women because it helps to push us further than we would often be able to go by ourselves.

When I consent to this type of sexual activity, I am choosing what I desire though I am turning control over to another.  It is my choice.  That takes strength and trust and is part of what makes it so unbelievably hot.    Often rough sex is cathartic and allows me to express and release any trapped emotions.

There is a myth that the submissive person is passive but this couldn’t be further from the truth.

The submissive is entirely engaged, connected to their partner.  The primal aspects allow us to shed all the shame that society heaps onto our sexual lives and sexual culture and to simply do what intuition guides us to do – listen to our bodies.

It requires significant strength to choose risky intense sex where you show up completely open and raw.  This makes rough sex exhilarating.   Rough sex allows me to let go of all my responsibilities for a time, let go of decision making for a time and simply respond.    It requires intense trust which once built enhances the relationship even further.

The element of surprise present whenever you transfer authority to someone else, turns on our dopamine receptors which bumps up the sexual pleasure.

Power is intoxicating – for both parties.  Sexual submission is active receptiveness – not passivity.   There is a feedback loop created between the dominant and the submissive that increases intensity and thus pleasure.  What people often don’t realise is that when this is integrated into the full relationship, this energy pervades all aspects of the relationship.  As a result, pleasure can be found in many activities that are not directly sexy.  For example, many of us find pleasure in simple service – preparing a meal and serving the meal can bring unexpected arousal as a result of being in a submissive posture and mind set.

Rough sex and BDSM provide an acceptable way for a partner to be selfish.  After negotiation around limits, the dominant takes what they want.  They control the rhythm of the relationship and the sex.

Once you know you want to incorporate elements of BDSM into your sex life, where do you begin?

Everything starts with consent. Consent is the difference between mind blowingly hot rough sex and rape.  And consent is not as simple as ‘yes do it.’

To gain consent, you discuss your fantasies, your past experiences, any trauma you have experienced, your limits (the things you won’t or don’t want to do).  The conversation should happen in a neutral space (eg not in the bedroom).    This conversation leads naturally into full negotiation of what you might do together, how the relationship will look – will a transfer of authority only happen in the bedroom or will this be part of your wider relationship?  All aspects are considered – including what ending the relationship might look like and the mechanism to re-negotiate.

Once you have negotiated, plan a date.  If this is new to both of you, remember that things don’t always go to plan and keep your sense of humour.   As you gain experience, you will learn to turn those failures into hot moments too.

BDSM is not one size fits all.

There are a variety of ways to incorporate this into your relationships.  Some people live a full leather lifestyle where the transfer of authority is part of every aspect of their relationships.  They abide by codes that include honour, integrity, authenticity.  Others restrict this to the bedroom.  Still others don’t get involved in any of the rough sex aspects and only become involved in a power exchange or transfer of authority.  For some, as for me, this is their primary sexual orientation.  This means that they find BDSM is what attracts them not the gender or sex of the partner.   More on these subjects in a future podcast.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.