Blogs to do with spicing up your relationship, sexual fun, keeping the fire going in your relationship, increasing passion.

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Polyamory in Authority Transfer Based Relationships

I have written about polyamorous D/s relationships in the past.  Recently, in a mentoring session with the head of the leather household, House of Trei, Choc Trei, polyamory in a full Master/slave or Owner/property authority transfer based relationship came up as part of a discussion of their House tour.  The discussion raised new points and led to me re-examining the many types relationship style that people who are in an authority based relationship might adopt.

As a refresher, authority transfer based relationships are ones in which one person is definitely the leader and the other is the follower.

These are consensual relationships in which the person who is in the subordinate role, surrenders part or all of their autonomy by surrendering authority over part or all of themselves and their lives to the one who is in the dominant role so that the dominant is the one who makes the decisions or has the final say.

There are a number of different flavours of authority transfer based consensual relationships  The most common are:

D/s (Dominant/submissive) In D/s relationships, the submissive gives the Dominant partner limited authority over themselves and over their lives.   They negotiate the areas of service and of authority transfer.

M/s (Master/slave)  In M/s relationships, the slave surrenders authority over themselves and their lives to the Master.  This is a full transfer of authority as opposed to in D/s.

O/p (Owner/property) In O/p relationships, the Owner has full authority over the property just as in M/s.

However, as with most definitions, these tend to evolve so YMMV.

How does this intersect with non-monogamy?

Many people who practice non-monogamy, particularly those who identify as practicing polyamory dislike the idea of hierarchical relationships.  They eschew the previous common polyamorous structure that had one relationship identified as a primary relationship and others as secondary, tertiary and so on.    They feel that no relationship should be more important than another, no person taking precedence over another, all relationships be seen as and treated as equal.

In practice, equal is truly the wrong term.

While relationships may be treated equally in mind and heart – be equal in value, in day to day life, equal is very difficult if not impossible to achieve.  Equal means to be the be the same in degree, size or quantity.   Attempting to create equality of time alone can be a challenge.

When one of the relationships is a hierarchical one as all authority transfer based relationships are, equal becomes difficult at best and impossible at worst.

If the authority transfer based relationship is a D/s one, it is possible to create equal other polyamorous relationships as both parties retain at least some agency.  However, if it is an M/s or O/p relationship, equal other relationships are not truly possible.

Why is this so?  In surrendering authority, the submissive also surrenders agency.  Some agency is usually returned except in the most restrictive and micro-managed M/s relationships where the Master controls every aspect of the slave’s live.    But even though the subordinate regains some agency, the ultimate decision maker is person in charge.  They can allow the subordinate to have other romantic and/or sexual relationships and they also have the authority to end these relationships.

Full polyamory requires full agency.

As the slave does not have the agency to create the relationship without permission, to define the parameters of the relationship, or to choose if the relationship is to continue or to end, then it is not polyamory as such.

Therefore what is it? It is consensual non-monogamy that is taking its form from the hierarchical authority transfer based relationship.

Choc Trei calls this ‘loaning’ as the Owner/Master/Mistress is the party with the agency to begin the second relationship, negotiate it’s parameters and to end it.    In discussing this, she used the example of a car.  Two people can purchase a car together, share the use of it, the maintenance of it and both names are on the title (registration document).    This is polyamory – with two people each having a relationship with a separate third person.  In the car analogy, both people have agency to use the vehicle as they see fit as they both own part of it.  In the polyamory example, the separate relationships can take any form as all parties have agency over the relationship (which is the car).

However, when there is an M/s or O/p relationship, the car analogy becomes one person (the M/O) purchases the car, takes responsibility for maintenance of it, uses it and that person’s name is on the title (registration document). The owner of the car can choose to lend it to another person.  The owner would define the terms of the loan.  For example, don’t take the car over state lines, don’t use cheap petrol, wash the car every week.  In addition, the owner could end the loan for any reason.  For example, the person who borrows the car uses the wrong petrol or simply the owner has need of the car.   More or less agency can be awarded when making a loan of property, but the final decision point is always the Owner.

The Owner sets the tone for all other relationships that their property has whether these relationships are sexual, romantic and sexual, friendships, business or family relationships. The Owner can award more or less agency to their property to create and maintain relationships but the owner has the final say.

People often believe that this relationship structure is overly complicated.

In my experience, it depends wholly on the tone set by the dominant partner.  Some Owners love to micro manage and sometimes that means that any other relationships can become complicated as permissions and negotiations happen on a regular basis.   Other Owners give significant agency and freedom to their property which tends to mean that other relationships are less complicated.

Jarrod and Seth are in an authority transfer based relationship. Jarrod sees himself as a benevolent Owner.  Seth has always been able to have casual sexual liaisons with minimal interference.  Jarrod requires Seth to ask first and to make clever choices.   ‘Clever choices’ means to choose people who won’t bring any drama into their relationship.  Jarrod does not ask to meet most of the people Seth becomes involved with as he feels no need.   

When Seth meets Angelo, the connection is extremely intense. Seth asks Jarrod for permission to have sex with Angelo and Jarrod grants this.   Seth realises that he wants an actual relationship with Angelo and brings this to Jarrod.    Jarrod sits down with Seth to discuss what kind of relationship he would like to have with Angelo and after this discussion, asks to meet Angelo so they can negotiate the terms of the relationship and discuss the rules. 

Jarrod likes Angelo immediately upon meeting him.  He explains to Angelo that he is happy for him to start a relationship with Seth, his property, with certain rules in place. Rule number 1 is Angelo is always to be available to him (Jarrod) when needed.  Jarrod tells Angelo that he will do his best to respect their time together, but reiterates that if he needs Seth, his need will come before Angelo’s needs or desires.  Jarrod goes on to say that if he becomes concerned about the relationship between Seth and Angelo and his concerns cannot be resolved, he (Jarrod) will end the relationship between them.   The rest of the rules include safe sex only, no group scenes, no cuts or skin breaks of any kind and no permanent marks.  Angelo agrees to these rules and pursues his relationship with Seth. 

After 6 months, the relationship between Angelo and Seth is still going strong.  Angelo tells Seth that he has fallen in love with him.  He becomes uncomfortable with Jarrod having the final say over their relationship.  He wants to their relationship to be completely autonomous and resents that Jarrod has some say over their relationship even though Jarrod doesn’t interfere and never has interfered.  At first, Angelo urges Seth to address this with Jarrod.  Seth refuses and says that Angelo must have this conversation.  Seth tells Angelo that he does not want to change his relationship with Jarrod.    Angelo is upset by this but decides to talk with Jarrod about changing the rules anyway.   The conversation doesn’t go well and the relationship between Seth and Angelo ends.

In that example, the intensity of the relationship between the property and the outside person changed and this lead the relationship ending as the other person would no longer respect the rules set by the Owner.  I see this type of situation in my consulting room regularly either because Owner and property come in to make sense of the drama that has entered their relationship or because the outside person comes because they are not happy having a relationship that is not completely autonomous.  This type of situation can often be avoided if all parties are clear at the outset as to what the relationship possibilities are and what kind of parameters will be put into place.

I often see people who are in an M/s or O/p relationship and want to have other M/s or D/s relationships. In these relationships, the negotiation can be easier as all parties understand authority based relationships. It can also be more complicated while people try to figure out who is ultimately in charge of whom.     Short term encounters are mostly easily managed.  It is the longer term relationships that require the most care and attention to negotiate.

For people whose primary sexual orientation is dominance or submission, it is not unusual for most of their romantic relationships and sexual encounters to have at least an element of dominance/submission.

Though many of my romantic relationships are not D/s, almost all of my sexual relationships involve submission as this is my primary orientation.  My husband and I are in an M/s relationship and so he has the last word on any other relationships that I become involved in. He gives me lots of agency to form relationships and does not micromanage any of these relationships.  He has only a few rules and is laid back as long as these rules are adhered to.  Everyone I become involved with is well aware of the hierarchy before they get involved with me.    People who only want egalitarian polyamorous relationships don’t usually get involved with me because I am in a hierarchical relationship.

The trend to denigrate all hierarchical non-monogamous relationships works to exclude many people who choose authority transfer based relationships as part of their relationship structure.

By their nature, authority based relationships are hierarchical and this does impact upon non-hierarchical relationships that a person has as well.  It doesn’t always mean that the authority based relationship is creating and controlling the hierarchy but often this is the case.

Are you in an authority based relationship and non-monogamous?  If you would like help creating a structure that works well or managing the issues that arise out of the relationship structure, sign up for a 30 minute free discovery session with me on my contact page.  If you want to learn more about authority based relationships, check out my online course here.

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How Erotic Love Making Can Bring the Heat Back to Your Relationship

How Erotic Love Making Can Bring the Heat Back to Your Relationship

Rough sex has become more and more trendy over the past five to ten years.  There’s been lots of emphasis on spicing things up in a relationship by become rougher, trying things like spanking and flogging, and engaging in power exchange.  Rough sex can be really hot and can certainly spice up your relationship but it is not the only way to do so.     Erotic love making is another approach.

The hottest, most exciting and most enduring sexual relationships include a good variety of approaches to sex.

Erotic love making is one that isn’t often talked about.  Perhaps this is because people feel that being erotic is easy and that other approaches are more foreign and so more difficult.  But being truly erotic takes significant skill.  At its heart, erotic lovemaking requires patience, flexibility, connection, focus and the ability to be fully present (mindful) during love making.

Let’s start with a definition of love making.

The distinction between love making and sex is important.  Love making involves mutuality.  The idea is that both of you are fully involved and gaining pleasure from the physicality.  Sex isn’t driven by mutuality.  There may be some but the driving force is more selfishly focused.  In love making, the divide between the self and the other dissolves, if only temporarily.  Two become one.  In sex, this divide continues to exist.  Erotic love making looks at uniting where sex does not necessarily.  Sex can look more at objectifying or possessing.

Erotic Love Making

I am not denigrating the value, importance and sheer pleasure of sex.

I am making a distinction between love making and sex and suggesting that it is wonderful to be able to enjoy both.  In love making you surrender yourself to the other and get lost in each other. It is reciprocal.  In sex, you might surrender or you might take control.

Erotic is defined as sensual, seeking to arouse sexual desire and pleasure.

Erotic love making in this context is love making that is ignited slowly from the sensual, seeking to arouse further desire and pleasure until full desire blossoms.    With erotic love making, physical and emotional intimacy combine until you no longer feel separate.  Energy moves back and forth between you until you no longer know where you end and your lover begins.  For some, this experience becomes a spiritual one.  Others focus on the emotional aspects and talk about how close this type of love making causes them to feel with their partner and still others focus on the raw physicality, the amazing sexual pleasure.

Robert lay next to Annie waiting for his breath to return to normal.  After a few minutes, he fell asleep.  Annie sighed, got out of bed and headed for the loo.   When she got back to bed, she took out her favourite clitoral stimulator, fired it up until she was alight with pleasure.  She was so engrossed in her orgasm she didn’t notice Robert had woken up.  In the morning, Robert brought her coffee in bed and said, ‘I woke up when you were playing with yourself last night.  I know I get off quickly, but I didn’t realise that I left you hanging.’  Annie started to tell him it was no big deal and then stopped.  ‘You did.  I enjoy sex with you but you don’t often last long enough for me to come.’  She looked away quickly, expecting Robert to be angry.  When he didn’t shout, she looked back and noticed how sad he looked.  ‘I’m sorry Annie.  I’ll see if there is anything I can do to slow down.’  Robert telephoned for coaching the following day.

There are as many ways to engage in erotic love making as there are people.

Approaches and styles differ but the end results are the same: intensely delicious love making.     The best erotic love making includes some common elements.  Mastering these elements will create all-consuming, distance dissolving intimacy.

  • Know Yourself.

  • I say this a lot when talking about creating great sex.    The better you know yourself, the easier it is to connect sexual with your lover and make sure that both of you are fully, deliciously satisfied.    If you have sexual problems or issues, attend to these.  Learn what really turns you on, what kind of touch you like, where your limits are.  Robert did some research and decided to study Mantak Chia’s methods of orgasm control.  He found these methods worked well for him and he was able to use these methods along with sex & intimacy coaching to resolve the issues that caused his pre-mature ejaculation and to create new skills that allowed him to fully connect with Annie.
  • Create protected time and space.

  • Erotic love making requires plenty of time and a safe comfortable appealing space.   This is not a time to multi-task.  Turn off the phone, the email, unhook and unplug.   Put a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door.  Make sure the kids are looked after by family, friends or a baby sitter.  Lock the door.  Do what you need to do so that you won’t be interrupted.  If being at home is too tempting, check into a hotel or a b&b or head to the woods with your tent or to an RV/motorhome/caravan site.   Lots of people find it hard to unplug completely when they are at home.  You can change this but it is a hard habit to break so it is worth starting away from home.   Once you have created some positive habits, it will be easier to squash the negative ones at home.    Making the space appealing can be as simple as tidying up the bedroom and as complex as using special sheets (silk perhaps), scented candles, your favourite grooves.
  • Erotic Love Making
  • Start with seduction.

  • There is nothing like a slow seduction.  Take your time, appeal to all of your lover’s senses, start with light touch and move to firmer touch.  Try an old fashioned strip tease.  (No seriously – here is an old fashioned one.) Pay attention to how the heat is building between you both.Erotic Love Making
  • Observe closely until you can no longer do so.

  • The more you observe, the more you will notice the things you do that work the best, the things that impact your lover the most.  Do this until you can no longer concentrate because you are so immersed in your feelings and sensations.
  • Approach and retreat from orgasm in order to build the intensity.

  • As you move towards orgasm, back off a bit and then build again.  Do this until you can no longer stand it and have to surrender to the orgasm.

Erotic love making will rekindle even the most banked flames between you.  It is a wonderful way to renew your sexual connection and develop and deepen intimacy.  Interest in learning more?  Email me or book a free 30 minute discovery session with me.

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Turning Pain Into Pleasure: From OUCH To Oooooo…

For most kinky sex and BDSM beginning bottoms, pain is not an instant turn on.  You may have read plenty of articles waxing lyrical about how hot pain is and how many stratospheric orgasms you can have if the beating is just right… but the first time that hand, paddle or flogger comes down on your ass all you feel is ‘ouch’. Most of the time, no one teaches you about turning pain into pleasure. Consequently, the fear of the ouch, causes many people rule any pain out.

Jane was one of those people.  She started by saying ‘I don’t do pain’ and told the tops she was playing with and the dominants she was starting relationships this each time.  Because she was a submissive, she was willing to take some pain and discomfort in order to please her dominant. Then she met Aaron.  Aaron was a tall drink of water, about 6 foot 2 and slender.  He had a rich deep voice and soulful brown eyes with long lashes.  She thought she would do anything to listen to him for a bit longer.  Aaron and Jane agreed to use ‘red’ as a safeword.  But he asked Jane to trust him and use ‘yellow’ to tell him that she was close to calling telling him it was too much and give him a chance to push her a bit more.   They negotiated a spanking.  Jane had never managed to last more than a couple of minutes in a spanking before calling safe.    Aaron started slow, with lighter spanks all over her bottom.  Jane felt her body heating up.  She was turned on already.

Sweet Spot Spanking

Aaron knew the first rule of turning pain into pleasure: Start slow.

Starting slowly to give your body time to warm up and then to heat up.  As you get excited, your body will begin to release all the chemicals that make you sing.  If you are a bit frightened, your body will release some adrenalin too which will add to the intensity. Once Aaron could see that Jane was enjoying herself, he increased the intensity of his spanks but not the speed.  Now the pain began to bite in just a bit.

 

Aaron talked Jane through the bite with the second rule of turning pain into pleasure: Breathe into the pain.

Pulling away from pain intensifies the negative sensation.  Breathing into it allows it to wash over you and transform.  This can take some practice.    Most of the time people hold their breath when something painful is going on.  Unfortunately, all this does is intensify the pain and make the experience longer.   Deep breathing helps you to relax your muscles.   Deep breathing doesn’t make the pain go away, it changes the way we perceive pain which is how we can change pain into pleasure.  Deep breathing techniques can be found in many places.  Here’s one that I like which is combined with meditation and mindfulness.  Practicing these techniques when you are not experiencing pain will help you use them when you are experiencing pain.

 

Aaron began to spank Jane harder and focused on the ‘sweet spot’ lifting her bottom up with each spank.  This brought into play the third rule: Focus on the places where there is already likely to be a mix of nerve signals for pleasure and pain.  The sweet spot is the bottom of the bum rolling into the top of the thigh.  The pain and pleasure signals here can become more easily crossed.   To Jane’s surprise, her heat had increased.   The theory is that this area is fed by the same nerve group that feeds the genitals and this is why the sensations mix more easily.

 

Aaron ran his hands all over her body, stroking her nipples, lightly using his nails.   This is the fourth rule to turn ouch into ooooo: Vary the touch to include arousing sensual touch.  Varying the strokes during a spanking or a beating will quickly increase the level of arousal.   The higher the level of arousal the more quickly ouch moves to ooo.

Aaron pressed into Jane and she could feel his erection.  She let out a deep moan.  He whispered in her ear ’Take 10 more for me and we will count them.   The last 5 will be the hardest’.  Jane agreed and got ready to count.

Ouch to Oooo

The fifth rule of moving ouch to ooo: Prepare the person for the ‘worst’ of the pain and let them know how much more they need to bear.  By doing this, the bottom feels a great sense of accomplishment when they make it to the end of the spanking.   By this point, endorphins should be flooding their bodies making the ouch feel delicious.

A few more tips for turning pain into pleasure:

Rhythm is important:  Pain is easier to manage when there is a good rhythm.  When strikes are haphazard and the person receiving the strikes cannot sink into a rhythm, it is harder to manage the pain and the pain can feel more intense.

Pain perception changes depending on the day.  Our pain perception changes as our emotions do.  Some days physical pain is more intense than others.  Women who have their pubic hair waxed can attest to this – just before a period pain can increase intensely.  Emotional stress can also change pain perception.

Pain perception is different depending upon the body part. 

Anyone who has tattoos knows this is true.  Pain is more intense in areas of the body with more nerve endings.

Most people find certain types of pain easier than others.   Thud feels really different from sting and most people have at least a minor preference.  Trying out different types of pain will help you to determine what works best for you.

Jane’s relationship with Aaron only lasted a few months but those few months changed her life.  Now when a new partner asks her if she enjoys pain, Jane purrs ‘yessss’.

Any questions for your relationship about keys for turning pain into pleasure? Email me drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.    Check out all of the fantastic articles on this blogfest #kinkysextips https://vivayourrevolution.com/kinky-sex-tips-blogfest17/

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When Pain Turns You On…

Miranda was experimenting with her first girlfriend when she realized that pain turned her on.

Her girlfriend bit her in the heat of passion and it was an instant orgasm.  At first she felt confused by this and then she felt ashamed.    Wasn’t pain supposed to turn you off?

When Pain Turns You On

According to current statistics, 1 in 10 people has tried BDSM at least once.  This suggests that pain turns people on far more than expected.   Biologically, pain is more related to pleasure than one might think.   A variety of chemicals are released in the brain in response to pain messages.  Endorphins are the ones that most people are familiar with.  These are the body’s natural opiates.  Anandamide is known as the bliss chemical and binds with cannabinoid receptors in the brain.  It blocks pain signals and brings on a warm, fuzzy feeling just like cannabis when it binds to the same receptors.  Adrenalin is also released and the raised heart rate adds to the feeling of excitement.

People who gain sexual pleasure from some types of pain are called masochists.  If you are a masochist, you will find that pain turns you on when it is part of a sexual and intimate experience.  Masochists do not find stubbing a toe exciting.  That pain just hurts.  It is the pain that is deliberately produced as part of an intimate activity that becomes pleasurable.

When Pain Turns You On

The pain is not simply turned into pleasure as some people have described.  The masochist feels the pain and is also turned on by the pain.  People talk about transmuting pain into pleasure.    If you are finding this hard to grasp, the easiest example is that of the serious professional athlete who practices and exercises until her body starts to signal injury or overexertion with pain.  If the person pushes on, she will begin to experience feelings of euphoria.  This has become known as a ‘runner’s high’. Masochists have the same experience during different types of sexual activity.  They seek out the pain which then turns into intense pleasure.  It goes beyond seeking an intense orgasm.  Many people seek out catharsis as well.

Barry Komisaruk from Rutgers University has done lots of fMRI research on pain and pleasure.  He has found a link between the pain pathways and the orgasm pathways in the brain.  He also points out that facial expressions made during orgasm are similar to those when people are in pain.

Even knowing that pain and pleasure are mingled in our biology sometimes does not diminish the shame people feel when they discover that pain turns them on.

You may feel when pain turns you on that there is something wrong with you.    The shame can add to the turn on for some people but for many others makes it impossible to enjoy feeling turned on.

Jan noticed she enjoyed pain when she was 14 years old.  Her boyfriend held her down while they were having sex and instead of being outraged, she had an intense orgasm.  Initially, she didn’t worry about this connection between pain and orgasm.  It was only after she told a couple of boyfriends who reacted with disgust that she began to feel intense shame around her desires.  After years of fantasizing about pain instead of being in safe and consensual relationships where pain was an integral part of the sex, she finally decided to seek some professional help.  Jan said she was tired of only feeling like sex was lukewarm.

After a few months of personal work, Jan was able to approach her desires with acceptance.  She began to date men who shared her interests and met Burt after a few months of dating.  They enjoy a committed relationship that includes lots of satisfying sex.

When pain turns you on you need to be careful about who you decide to share this with and how you decide to bring pain into your sexual life.  There is more danger associated with sex that involves masochism than there is in other types of sexual relationships.    Before agreeing to sexual activities that include pain and higher levels of physical risk, make sure that you fully trust the person you are inviting into your sexual world.  Take the time to negotiate the types of activities you wish to engage in, your boundaries (including hard limits and safe words).

Start gradually and take the time to talk about the experience afterward.  If the person you are engaging with is not staying the night with you after the experience, make sure that you have support available to you in case your reaction is not entirely positive.  With those precautions dealt with, relax and enjoy the experience.

If you want some help exploring how/why pain turns you on, schedule a free discovery session with me here.

Join me for my teleseminar with Lisa Steadman on 23rd August.   4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting your Authentic Sexual Self.

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Tell Me About Polyamorous Dominant/submissive (D/s) Relationships

Are there polyamorous D/s (dominant submissive) relationships? Yes there are.

Polyamorous D/s relationships come in an infinite number of configurations.  For more about how different open relationships might look, you can find one of my articles here and a series of podcasts here.

D/s relationships are ones in which dominance and submission are the primary feature.  In these relationships, people usually take on one role (either the dominant role or the submissive role).  Sometimes people are switches meaning that they enjoy switching roles and sometimes they even switch roles within the same relationship.  But I will talk about that later.    For now,  I will talk about the situations in which a person takes on one role in each relationship.  Some polyamorous D/s relationships involve bondage and discipline or sadism and masochism but others do not.  The feature of the relationship which turns both parties on is the power exchange. One person is in charge and the other agrees to submit to their rule.  Submission can be part time, sexually only for example, or it can be full time (e.g. in all aspects of the relationship).  D/s relationships often have clear structures, with rituals, rules and expectations all spelled out.  Many people who engage in them gain pleasure from all of these aspects.  The submissives enjoy giving up control and being led by someone else.  The dominants enjoy the control over their partners, having someone do as they desire.  This is a simplistic description of what both parties might get out of the relationship.  For more on these relationships, listen to this series of podcasts from Sex Spoken Here and D is for Dominant from the A to Z of Sex ™  podcast.

Polyamorous D/s

D/s relationships can be very straightforward or very complex.  Some include significant role play as well as the exchange of power.  There are marriages that work on these principles as well as long term living together relationships.  However, it can be difficult to maintain these roles when living with someone full time especially if the person who is in the submissive role is dominant in the outside world (at work, within the household, the main bread winner).   As a result, in some relationships, the D/s aspects become watered down which often leads to dissatisfaction on the part of both parties.

One solution to this situation is to consider opening up the relationship.  A couple can agree to engage in D/s play with other partners and not each other or with other partners and still engage with each other.  Deciding who will do what with whom can require some intricate negotiation.  When done properly, this is a great solution that increases everybody’s enjoyment and fulfilment.

Polyamorous D/s

Myra and Robin were involved in a polyamorous D/s relationship for 10 years before they moved in together.

At first things work well.  Weekends are the time that they set aside for the D/s side of their relationship.  During the week they look like any other couple living together.    Robin sometimes finds it difficult giving up control on the weekend, especially on weeks where she is travelling for work.   But things are still working and they are both still happy together.  After 6 months living together, Myra decides to take a sabbatical.  She is working on a book and needs the time to write.  They agree that Robin will be the main bread winner for those 6 months.    This is when the D/s relationship truly begins to break down.

The women came to see me when Robin found it too difficult to submit to Myra.  They were both upset by this change and were motivated to look at how they could make sure their relationship would survive and thrive.  After 4 coaching sessions, Robin raised the issue of opening the relationship.  She proposed that they both seek to create a D/s relationship with someone else.  At first Myra was resistant to this idea, concerned that they would lose one of the best facets of their relationship.  After some negotiation, they decided to choose partners for each other and were clear about the limitations.  They decided to restrict the relationship to D/s in the bedroom.  After a few false starts, they found situations which suited both of them.   After a month of exploring new D/s relationships, they told me the spark had come back between them and they left coaching.  A year later they came back for a ‘check-up’ and reported that they had restarted the D/s part of their relationship and it was going really well.  They continued to keep their other relationships and said that this added richness to their sexual lives.

There are people in D/s relationships agree that the dominant person can choose to introduce other people into the relationship.   These are not truly polyamorous D/s relationships but usually occasional sexual liaisons with others controlled by the dominant partners.

Some people become polyamorous because they discover an interest in dominance and submission and want to enter power exchange or D/s relationships but their partners have little interest in exploring with them.  They choose to open their relationships.  In my experience many of these relationships are poly monogamous relationships.  For more on poly monogamy see my article here.  These relationships can work well however couples need to communicate well and negotiate extremely well in order for them to do so.  Coaching helps couples learn the communication and negotiation skills needed to create exciting and well-functioning poly monogamous relationships.

Check out my YouTube channel for videos on topics including polyamory, jealousy, and power exchange.  Listen to my podcasts: Sex Spoken Here and The A to Z of Sex â for more information on all of these topics and more.  Interested in exploring further?  Book a free discovery session with me here.

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Here’s What Guy’s Find So Freakin’ HOT About Rough BDSM Sex

With so many mixed messages between men and women, what is this really about?

It seems that since 50 Shades of Grey became popular, rough sex and BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, Sadism/Masochism) have hit the mainstream. References can be found everywhere from Cosmopolitan to The Guardian newspaper.

The desire for rough sex is NOT new.

Want to learn more?  Here’s the full blog post on YourTango.com