Blogs to do with spicing up your relationship, sexual fun, keeping the fire going in your relationship, increasing passion.

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Turning Pain into Pleasure: From OUCH! to Oooooo

 

For most kinky sex and BDSM beginning bottoms, pain is not an instant turn on.  You may have read plenty of articles waxing lyrical about how hot pain is and how many stratospheric orgasms you can have if the beating is just right but the first time that hand, paddle or flogger comes down on your ass all you feel is ‘ouch’.     Most of the time, no one tells you how to change that ouch to an ooo and so many people rule any pain out.

Jane was one of those people.  She started by saying ‘I don’t do pain’ and told the tops she was playing with and the dominants she was starting relationships this each time.  Because she was a submissive, she was willing to take some pain and discomfort in order to please her dominant.    Then she met Aaron.    Aaron was a tall drink of water, about 6 foot 2 and slender.  He had a rich deep voice and soulful brown eyes with long lashes.  She thought she would do anything to listen to him for a bit longer.    Aaron and Jane agreed to use ‘red’ as a safeword.   But he asked Jane to trust him and use ‘yellow’ to tell him that she was close to calling telling him it was too much and give him a chance to push her a bit more.   They negotiated a spanking.   Jane had never managed to last more than a couple of minutes in a spanking before calling safe.    Aaron started slow, with lighter spanks all over her bottom.  Jane felt her body heating up.  She was turned on already.

Sweet Spot Spanking

Aaron knew the first rule of turning pain into pleasure: Start slow.

Starting slow give your body time to warm up and then to heat up.  As you get excited, your body will begin to release all the chemicals that make you sing.  If you are a bit frightened, your body will release some adrenalin too which will add to the intensity. Once Aaron could see that Jane was enjoying herself, he increased the intensity of his spanks but not the speed.  Now the pain began to bite in just a bit.

 

Aaron talked Jane through the bite with the second rule of turning pain into pleasure: Breathe into the pain.

Pulling away from pain intensifies the negative sensation.  Breathing into it allows it to wash over you and transform.  This can take some practice.    Most of the time people hold their breath when something painful is going on.  Unfortunately, all this does is intensity the pain and make the experience longer.   Deep breathing helps you to relax your muscles.   Deep breathing doesn’t make the pain go away, it changes the way we perceive pain which is how we can change pain into pleasure.  Deep breathing techniques can be found in many places.  Here’s one that I like which is combined with meditation and mindfulness.  Practicing these techniques when you are not experiencing pain will help you use them when you are experiencing pain.

 

Aaron began to spank Jane harder and focused on the ‘sweet spot’ lifting her bottom up with each spank.  This brought into play the third rule: Focus on the places where there is already likely to be a mix of nerve signals for pleasure and pain.  The sweet spot is the bottom of the bum rolling into the top of the thigh.  The pain and pleasure signals here can become more easily crossed.   To Jane’s surprise, her heat had increased.   The theory is that this area is fed by the same nerve group that feeds the genitals and this is why the sensations mix more easily.

 

Aaron ran his hands all over her body, stroking her nipples, lightly using his nails.   This is the fourth rule to turn ouch into ooooo: Vary the touch to include arousing sensual touch.  Varying the strokes during a spanking or a beating will quickly increase the level of arousal.   The higher the level of arousal the more quickly ouch moves to ooo.

Aaron pressed into Jane and she could feel his erection.  She let out a deep moan.  He  whispered in her ear ’Take 10 more for me and we will count them.   The last 5 will be the hardest’.  Jane agreed and got ready to count.

Ouch to Oooo

The fifth rule of moving ouch to ooo: Prepare the person for the ‘worst’ of the pain and let them know how much more they need to bear.  By doing this, the bottom feels a great sense of accomplishment when they make it to the end of the spanking.   By this point, endorphins should be flooding their bodies making the ouch feel delicious.

A few more tips:

Rhythm is important:  Pain is easier to manage when there is a good rhythm.  When strikes are haphazard and the person receiving the strikes cannot sink into a rhythm, it is harder to manage the pain and the pain can feel more intense.

Pain perception changes depending on the day.  Our pain perception changes as our emotions do.  Some days physical pain is more intense than others.  Women who have their pubic hair waxed can attest to this – just before a period pain can increase intensely.  Emotional stress can also change pain perception.

Pain perception is different depending upon the body part. 

Anyone who has tattoos knows this is true.  Pain is more intense in areas of the body with more nerve endings.

Most people find certain types of pain easier than others.   Thud feels really different from sting and most people have at least a minor preference.  Trying out different types of pain will help you to determine what works best for you.

Jane’s relationship with Aaron only lasted a few months but those few months changed her life.  Now when a new partner asks her if she enjoys pain, Jane purrs ‘yessss’.

Any questions? Email me drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.    Check out all of the fantastic articles on this blogfest #kinkysextips https://vivayourrevolution.com/kinky-sex-tips-blogfest17/

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When Pain Turns You On…

Miranda was experimenting with her first girlfriend when she realised that pain turned her on.  Her girlfriend bit her in the heat of passion and it was instant orgasm.  At first she felt confused by this and then she felt ashamed.    Wasn’t pain supposed to turn you off?

When Pain Turns You On

According to current statistics, 1 in 10 people has tried BDSM at least once.  This suggests that pain turns people on far more than expected.   Biologically, pain is more related to pleasure than one might think.   A variety of chemicals are released in the brain in response to pain messages.  Endorphins are the ones that most people are familiar with.  These are the body’s natural opiates.  Anandamide is known as the bliss chemical and binds with cannabinoid receptors in the brain.  It blocks pain signals and brings on a warm, fuzzy feeling just like cannabis when it binds to the same receptors.  Adrenalin is also released and the raised heart rate adds to the feeling of excitement.

People who gain sexual pleasure from some types of pain are called masochists.  If you are a masochist, you will find that you are turned on by certain types of pain when it is part of a sexual and intimate experience.  Masochists do not find stubbing a toe exciting.  That pain just hurts.  It is the pain that is deliberately produced as part of intimate activity that becomes pleasurable.

When Pain Turns You On

The pain is not simply turned into pleasure as some people have described.  The masochist feels the pain and is also turned on by the pain.  People talk about transmuting pain into pleasure.    If you are finding this hard to grasp, the easiest example is that of the serious professional athlete who practices and exercises until her body starts to signal injury or over exertion with pain.  If the person pushes on, she will begin to experience feelings of euphoria.  This has become known as a ‘runner’s high’.    Masochists have the same experience during different types of sexual activity.  They seek out the pain which then turns into intense pleasure.  It goes beyond seeking an intense orgasm.  Many people seek out catharsis as well.

Barry Komisaruk from Rutgers University, has done lots of fMRI research on pain and pleasure.  He has found a link between the pain pathways and the orgasm pathways in the brain.  He also points out that facial expressions made during orgasm are similar to those when people are in pain.

Even knowing that pain and pleasure are mingled in our biology sometimes does not diminish the shame people feel when they discover that pain turns them on.  You may feel when pain turns you on that there is something wrong with you.    The shame can add to the turn on for some people but for many others makes it impossible to enjoy feeling turned on.

Jan noticed she enjoyed pain when she was 14 years old.  Her boyfriend held her down while they were having sex and instead of being outraged, she had an intense orgasm.  Initially she didn’t worry about this connection between pain and orgasm.  It was only after she told a couple of boyfriends who reacted with disgust that she began to feel intense shame around her desires.  After years of fantasising about pain instead of being in safe and consensual relationships where pain was an integral part of the sex, she finally decided to seek some professional help.  Jan said she was tired of only feeling like sex was luke warm.   After a few months of personal work, Jan was able to approach her desires with acceptance.  She began to date men who shared her interests and met Burt after a few months of dating.  They enjoy a committee relationship that includes lots of satisfying sex.

When pain turns you on you need to be careful about who you decide to share this with and how you decide to bring pain into your sexual life.  There is more danger associated with sex that involves masochism than there is in other types of sexual relationships.    Before agreeing to sexual activities that include pain and higher levels of physical risk, make sure that you fully trust the person you are inviting into your sexual world.  Take the time to negotiate the types of activities you wish to engage in, your boundaries (including hard limits and safe words).  Start gradually and take the time to talk about the experience afterward.  If the person you are engaging with is not staying the night with you after the experience, make sure that you have support available to you in case your reaction is not entirely positive.  With those precautions dealt with, relax and enjoy the experience.

If you want some help exploring, schedule a free discovery session with me here

Join me for my teleseminar with Lisa Steadman on 23rd August.   4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting your Authentic Sexual Self.

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Tell Me About Polyamorous Dominant/submissive (D/s) Relationships

Are there polyamorous D/s (dominant submissive) relationships? Yes there are.

Polyamorous D/s relationships come in an infinite number of configurations.  For more about how different open relationships might look, you can find one of my articles here and a series of podcasts here.

D/s relationships are ones in which dominance and submission are the primary feature.  In these relationships, people usually take on one role (either the dominant role or the submissive role).  Sometimes people are switches meaning that they enjoy switching roles and sometimes they even switch roles within the same relationship.  But I will talk about that later.    For now,  I will talk about the situations in which a person takes on one role in each relationship.  Some D/s relationships involve bondage and discipline or sadism and masochism but others do not.  The feature of the relationship which turns both parties on is the power exchange. One person is in charge and the other agrees to submit to their rule.  Submission can be part time, sexually only for example, or it can be full time (e.g. in all aspects of the relationship).  D/s relationships often have clear structures, with rituals, rules and expectations all spelled out.  Many people who engage in them gain pleasure from all of these aspects.  The submissives enjoy giving up control and being led by someone else.  The dominants enjoy the control over their partners, having someone do as they desire.  This is a simplistic description of what both parties might get out of the relationship.  For more on these relationships, listen to this series of podcasts from Sex Spoken Here and D is for Dominant from the A to Z of Sex ™  podcast.

Polyamorous D/s

D/s relationships can be very straightforward or very complex.  Some include significant role play as well as the exchange of power.  There are marriages that work on these principles as well as long term living together relationships.  However, it can be difficult to maintain these roles when living with someone full time especially if the person who is in the submissive role is dominant in the outside world (at work, within the household, the main bread winner).   As a result, in some relationships, the D/s aspects become watered down which often leads to dissatisfaction on the part of both parties.

One solution to this situation is to consider opening up the relationship.  A couple can agree to engage in D/s play with other partners and not each other or with other partners and still engage with each other.  Deciding who will do what with whom can require some intricate negotiation.  When done properly, this is a great solution that increases everybody’s enjoyment and fulfilment.

Polyamorous D/s

Myra and Robin were involved in a D/s relationship for 10 years before they moved in together.

At first things work well.  Weekends are the time that they set aside for the D/s side of their relationship.  During the week they look like any other couple living together.    Robin sometimes finds it difficult giving up control on the weekend, especially on weeks where she is travelling for work.   But things are still working and they are both still happy together.  After 6 months living together, Myra decides to take a sabbatical.  She is working on a book and needs the time to write.  They agree that Robin will be the main bread winner for those 6 months.    This is when the D/s relationship truly begins to break down.

The women came to see me when Robin found it too difficult to submit to Myra.  They were both upset by this change and were motivated to look at how they could make sure their relationship would survive and thrive.  After 4 coaching sessions, Robin raised the issue of opening the relationship.  She proposed that they both seek to create a D/s relationship with someone else.  At first Myra was resistant to this idea, concerned that they would lose one of the best facets of their relationship.  After some negotiation, they decided to choose partners for each other and were clear about the limitations.  They decided to restrict the relationship to D/s in the bedroom.  After a few false starts, they found situations which suited both of them.   After a month of exploring new D/s relationships, they told me the spark had come back between them and they left coaching.  A year later they came back for a ‘check-up’ and reported that they had restarted the D/s part of their relationship and it was going really well.  They continued to keep their other relationships and said that this added richness to their sexual lives.

There are people in D/s relationships agree that the dominant person can choose to introduce other people into the relationship.   These are not truly polyamorous relationships but usually occasional sexual liaisons with others controlled by the dominant partners.

Some people become polyamorous because they discover an interest in dominance and submission and want to enter power exchange or D/s relationships but their partners have little interest in exploring with them.  They choose to open their relationships.  In my experience many of these relationships are poly monogamous relationships.  For more on poly monogamy see my article here.  These relationships can work well however couples need to communicate well and negotiate extremely well in order for them to do so.  Coaching helps couples learn the communication and negotiation skills needed to create exciting and well-functioning poly monogamous relationships.

Check out my YouTube channel for videos on topics including polyamory, jealousy, and power exchange.  Listen to my podcasts: Sex Spoken Here and The A to Z of Sex â for more information on all of these topics and more.  Interested in exploring further?  Book a free discovery session with me here.

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Here’s What Guy’s Find So Freakin’ HOT About Rough BDSM Sex

With so many mixed messages between men and women, what is this really about?

It seems that since 50 Shades of Grey became popular, rough sex and BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, Sadism/Masochism) have hit the mainstream. References can be found everywhere from Cosmopolitan to The Guardian newspaper.

The desire for rough sex is NOT new.

Want to learn more?  Here’s the full blog post on YourTango.com

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5 Essential Facts You Need to Know about Kissing

1 Couples who enjoy kissing and do it well have healthier relationships

Kissing is one of the most intimate acts we perform as human beings. We kiss to demonstrate affection, to demonstrate desire and to increase desire. Darwin wrote about kissing and kissing-like behaviours. These include rubbing noses, sniffing the other person. Usually we talk about using the lips or face. According to Darwin, the desire to kiss is innate. We are born with this desire.

Take a moment and think about a really good kiss that you experienced. You may remember how the other person smelled. You may remember how he tasted or how her lips felt. Kissing involves so many of our senses. It gives you the opportunity to move in close to your paramour.

In my experience as an intimacy coach and relationship therapist, I have had many people tell me that when problems began in their relationships, they stopped kissing as much or as long or as deeply. Kissing allows you to reconnect with your partner. It is fuel for our erotic desires. Do you apologise with a kiss? Sometimes I will approach my lover for a kiss when I want to bring us back together after a disagreement. Kissing your partner in multiple places on her body is described in many of the greatest written sex manuals, including the Kama Sutra.

2 Your lips can be more alive and responsive than your clitoris or your penis.

There is a plethora of nerve endings in the lips and mouth. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist from Rutgers University believes that kissing most likely evolved to encourage three essential needs: lust, attraction and attachment. Our libido drives us to find sexual partners. Romantic loves drives us to commit to a relationship (or multiple relationships) and attachment keeps us together over the long haul and certainly long enough to have a child.

Kissing releases a number of chemicals including endorphins which lower the perception of pain and increase positive high feelings. Kissing releases oxytocin which is a hormone that promotes trust, bonding and attachment both in yourself and the person you are kissing. It increases intimacy, can create sexual arousal and promote orgasm. Sexual kissing where your mouth is open also allows testosterone to be transferred from a man to his partner and that will raise his partners sex drive.

3 Deep passionate kisses get your juices flowing and are healthy for you.

Deep passionate kisses raise your heart rate and your blood pressure. Kissing can increase your life expectancy by lowering stress levels, burning calories (25 to 26 per 1 minute kiss).
Kissing helps us to choose the ‘right’ mate. When we kiss we take in all sorts of physiological information via pheromones and saliva that may well let us know if the person we are kissing is optimally compatible with us or if she is too closely related to us.

Kissing when you are both healthy can boost your immune system. Deep kissing uses all 34 muscles in the face and so tightens and strengths your facial muscles making you look younger. Kissing also boots your dental health because the saliva you produce when kissing helps to fight plaque build up!

Kissing can help with pain control. The endorphins you produce are more than 200 times stronger than pain killers like morphine and Fentanyl.

4 Kissing predicts relationship satisfaction – especially in men.
A study at the Kinsey Institute for sexual research demonstrated that kissing and cuddling were the most important predictors for a relationship satisfaction. A study at University College London found that men who kiss their partners goodbye before leaving the house have fewer car accidents.

The Kama Sutra, the famous book relating to love according to Hindu law written in the 3rd Century AD, spends an entire chapter on kissing describing four different types of kissing, when and where on the body to kiss your lover and giving some detailed instructions.

Couples who are having problems with staying aroused during sex benefit from focusing on kissing only. I have often told couples to restrict themselves to kissing for a week between sessions and to detail their experiences. Most couples report intense arousal, difficulty keeping to the exercise and sticking to kissing only, higher levels of connection and intimacy and spending far more time together being erotic when restricted to kissing.

5 Kissing increases self-confidence.
When you kiss someone, you are telling him that he is valuable to you, attractive to you and that you want to be intimate with him. All of these messages increase your self-confidence and self-esteem. A recent German study found that men who left home after having a good deep kiss from their wives earned more money.

The same hormones (oxytocin and endorphin) can help boost self-esteem and self-confidence. They don’t just lower physical pain perception they also lower emotional pain perception.

As your kissing prowess increases, your confidence increases because you can see that you are creating intense joy in your partner, increasing her desire and increasing her sexual satisfaction.

I’d love it if you would be part of an experiment with me to see what impact kissing has on the quality of your relationship. I want to look at three types of information.
Step 1: Keep a record of how often you kiss over a week. Note how long you kiss for – are you kissing on the cheek, a quick kiss on the lips, a quick deep kiss, kissing for hours?
Step 2: Describe the types of kisses you have with your lover(s). Feel free to write as much or as little as you like. Are the kisses soft? Hard? Deep? Consuming?
Step 3: Describe how you feel emotionally after kissing. Keep a record of your feelings over the 10 day period and note if you feel closer to your lover(s) after kissing.
Step 4: Deliberately kiss your lover(s) more often over the second week.
Step 5: Describe any difference in feeling and closeness after the second week.

I will ask you to send me your responses via email. I will keep your responses confidential. My results will be anonymous but I will use modified quotes when writing about the results.

To take part, comment below and add your email address to the opt in form.
I look forward to hearing what you think
Dr Lori Beth
Light your fire!

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3 Myths About Fantasies that Stop You Realising Your Dreams

Do you stop yourself from fantasizing? Are you worried that there is something wrong with you because of the things that make you hot? Here are three myths that keep us from enjoying our sexual imaginations.

Myth Number 1: If you fantasize about something it means you want to do it in reality.

The ground-breaking work from the Kinsey Institute in the 50’s and 60’s found that 69% of women and 84% of men had sexual fantasies. Some of these were of usual activities, some had full stories and others were just fleeting images.

Further research and clinical experience highlights the wide variety of subjects for fantasies and that almost everyone has fantasies.

If something turns you on, it does not mean that you want to act on these feelings or even that it would be good for you to act on your feelings. Lots of things turn us on that would not be practical in reality. Most adults have a fantasy about a famous person and many of us more than one famous person! The likelihood of making that fantasy a reality is not high unless you travel in the same circles as your desired sexual playmate. Many of us fantasize about people we work with but think better about jeopardizing our employment by having a sexual encounter with the boss or with a co-worker.

Sometimes our favourite fantasies lose their turn on power if we bring them into reality. Most people have a few staple fantasies that are guaranteed to bring them close to orgasm.   If a fantasy isn’t as exciting when you try to recreate it in ‘real life’ then it can lose its erotic power. If the fantasy has been one that you have had since you were a teenager, this can feel disorienting. Sometimes it can cause a person to call into question key aspects of his sexuality. The moral of this tale: Some things should stay a fantasy.

Myth Number 2: Fantasies mean that you are unhappy with your relationship.

This is related to the idea that people in relationships don’t masturbate unless they are unhappy. Both are completely false. Fantasy is a place to relax, to try out ideas and to start to explore.   Most adults fantasize just as most adults masturbate.  In fact, sharing your fantasies with your partner is one of the ways to add fire to your relationship. If you feel awkward about sharing your fantasies directly, find some erotica that tells the same story and read it aloud to your partner. If you feel awkward reading aloud, leave the book on her pillow.

Myth Number 3: You can find your ‘true’ sexual orientation or your ‘true’ gender identity by examining your fantasies.

This is usually false. Kinsey and later research has found a high percentage of people have both same sex and opposite sex fantasies.   You can find new avenues to explore by looking at your fantasies. However, having a fantasy does not equate to your primary sexual orientation or gender orientation.

Fantasy is the place to experiment and rehearse as well as explore.   Fantasy can start the fire on days when it is merely embers. Fantasy can supply excitement when shared with a partner.   Cherish your fantasy life and enjoy the benefits of a healthy imagination.

Next time I will talk about how to have that deep connection with your partner – the kind that makes all your intimate hours smoking hot.

I look forward to hearing about how you feel about fantasy and how you use fantasy in your sexual lives below.

Until next time

Light your fire!