C is for Come …   Come or cum is defined as slang for orgasm.   When talking about sex, coming is often the central topic as it is frequently the main goal.    Many people define good sex as sex in which all who are involved reach orgasm.  Equally, bad sex is often defined as sex in which the person labelling it bad did not reach orgasm.

In my more than 25 years of working with people about sexual issues, desires and problems, lack of orgasm features in at least 70% of the issues.    Women present with problems reaching orgasm most often.  Men present with pre-mature ejaculation (too early orgasm) most often.  Couple present with both issues at the forefront and identified as at least one large reason they are unhappy with their intimate life together.

For starters, many people don’t really understand the anatomy of orgasm.  This includes men and women.   Physiologically, the brain and the circulatory system are intensely involved in orgasm for both men and women.  In men, blood engorges the penis and in women it is the labia and clitoris that engorge with blood.  In both sexes, the nipples can fill with blood as well as the lips.    Both sexes produce rhythmic muscular contractions during orgasm.

Most of us learned that there is one type of orgasm.  If you are female, you were taught that it is centred in the clitoris and if you are male you were taught that ejaculation is the physical manifestation of orgasm.  It was years before I discovered that I had been fed lots of misinformation.

For example, only about 25% of women reach clitoral orgasm through penetrative sex consistently.  Most women need additional clitoral stimulation to reach clitoral orgasm during penetrative sex.   There are many different types of orgasm.  Men can reach orgasm without ejaculating.   Men can have multiple orgasms too!

When I was 19, I had a boyfriend that decided he was determined to make me come while I was with him.   Up until that point, though I really enjoyed sex with both men and women, I did not come unless I was masturbating and then only in a particular position.   Jeff was a science nerd and he decided that this was because no one spent long enough stimulating me.  He decided that he was going to ‘fix the problem’.  He started by helping me to relax.  He gave me a nice massage.  I found it hard to relax because all the while I knew he was determined to fix me.  Eventually, he began to kiss me.   That was nice and I started to relax a bit more.  Then he made a bee line for my clitoris and began rubbing it.  I instantly tensed up.  Jeff did not notice and continued to rub and rub.  I began to get sore.   When I didn’t come after an hour, he switched to using his lips and tongue.  It felt nice but I was already so sore!  I felt so much pressure to please him and the more pressure I felt, the less happened.  After about 12 hours of trying many different sexual techniques and positions, Jeff finally gave up and declared me broken.    I felt like a science project.  He was so out of touch with my responses that he didn’t notice when I withdrew into myself.  The last part of the experiment, I wasn’t present at all.  That night left me feeling even weirder than I had before.   I thought that something ought to have worked but nothing did.  When Jeff rang me the next week to go out, I begged off.  I couldn’t face feeling so damaged again.  Since I love to please the person that I am being intimate with, it was even more of a blow not to be able to come.  I knew I was failing him and making him frustrated rather than pleasing him.  The whole experience was awful.  I came away feeling that it was far easier to fake it and then masturbate later on.   No one should feel that dishonesty is the only way to get her needs met.  It is so damaging to any intimate relationship.  Far better to learn what does it for you and then to teach your partner or if you don’t know, to learn together by exploring.

When I was in graduate school I finally found out what would make me come consistently when I lived with a man who was an expert at cunnilingus.   Not too much later I discovered how to come when someone used her fingers from a girlfriend and then discovered the G-spot and found out about G-spot orgasm and female ejaculation.  I began to cum sometimes during penetrative sex and also was able to cum without being touched as a result of the movement of energy.

Stimulating facts about cumming:

• Men’s orgasms stimulate the same area of the brain as heroin in an addict’s brain.
• All orgasms are not alike. They can be effected by cognitive state, psychological state and what chemicals are in your body at the time (including hormones, drugs, alcohol, other medications).  Your genitals are enervated by several pairs of nerves and when different combinations are stimulated, you have different sensations.
• So – called blended orgasms occur when a bunch of areas in the genital area are stimulated – clitoris, vagina and G-spot for example and each level of sensation is additive so the orgasm is layered, deep and can last longer. There is such a thing as a cervix orgasm as well!  This can occur through stimulation of the cervix and is known for being extremely intense.
• Men can have multiple orgasms This takes significant discipline as it involves delaying or completely avoiding ejaculation.
• There is such a thing as a nipple orgasm just as orgasms can come as a result of playing with the anus, visual imagery, breasts, auditory stimulation and fantasising.
• The length of time an orgasm lasts gets longer as you get older (Isn’t that a great reason to keep having lots of sex as you age?)
• Cumming can relieve pain. Endorphins block pain receptors in the brain and oxytocin (released during orgasm) also suppressive pain and perception of pain.

Please send me any questions or stories about coming to drloribeth@atozofsex.com

Listen out on Libsyn for the sister blog, The A to Z of Sex and head over to the website, www.atozofsex.com to sign up for the newsletter for more exploration of the erotic alphabet.