In weeks 1 and 2, I set the scene to help you begin to bring back that flame.  I spoke about creating space and time to for you, to focus on your sexual life and make it a priority.  This week, I move to looking at starting the fire.

3.  Fire needs a reliable source of heat: Role Play as a Fire starter

When we are children, many of us engage in ‘make believe’ games in which we take on a variety of roles. We act out characters in favourite movies. We pretend to be princesses and princes, cowboys and Indians, pirates and captives.   These games allow us to try on different ways of behaving, different personality traits.   There are endless stories to re-enact and endless opportunities to try on a new role.   As we get older, we become less comfortable trying on new roles in front of others. We feel vulnerable, afraid to show a variety of different sides of ourselves for fear of rejection and ridicule. We become locked in behaviour and response patterns. Role play gives us a way to unlock these patterns and introduce some novelty back into our intimate relationships.

I hope that you did some research when you were finding fuel for the fire in week one. Sharing your fantasies is often as exciting as the role play itself. Decide which game you want to play. Make sure to give enough details about the characters so it is possible to create the roles. Try to create scenes that use all of the senses.   For example, if you are playing teacher/student, you might make sure that the room smells like an old school room or if you are playing doctor, make sure the room has a bit of that antiseptic smell. Make sure to include in this discussion any possible emotional triggers and be clear about what happens if someone gets triggered.

Don’t try to script the whole session. It is rare that a role play follows a script to the letter unless the participants are professional actors. The point is to have fun so only script the parts that are essential to the turn on. For example, if hearing him growl makes your panties drop, make sure that he knows it. Flexibility is the key to a great role play scene. The ability to laugh at oneself is also an essential ingredient. There are times that no matter how sexy the idea seemed, the enactment turns out to be funny.

After the scene is over, set aside some time to discuss the experience. Talk about the things that worked well and those that did not. All the information you gather gives you fuel for the next time you decide to become other people.   The more experience you gain, the more creative the scenes you can plan and enact. Scenes need not take place at home in the bedroom. They can begin in all sorts of places and end in the bedroom.   The can end in more adventurous places.   Complicated scenes can involve other people. There are many places to gain inspiration.   All you need is courage and imagination.

For an in depth look at role play, join me for my next role play seminar series on line or join me in person at the next Role Play For Lovers Intensive. Details can be found on the events page.   A list of resources for inspiration can be found in my ebook: Fuel for the Fire.

I look forward your ideas about role play below.   See you next week for part 4 – Fanning the Flames.

Until then

Light Your Fire!

  1. Creating the Space for Sex: Creating the Fire pit

Last week we talked about the need for fuel in order to build a fire and keep it ablaze. I gave you some ways to try to spark your imagination. This week, we look at how we create the space in our lives, environments and relationships for a sexual bonfire.

Lack of time is the biggest reason couples cite for letting their sex lives become routine. Life is so busy that creating time for intimacy can seem an insurmountable task.

To create time, start by comparing diaries and blocking time out for intimacy. This feels artificial and often people complain that sex should always be spontaneous. In the modern world, spontaneity is far more difficult. If setting a whole evening aside seems too daunting, start with an hour or two.

Make sure that there is a private space available. Make sure that either the children are well asleep or better yet, cared for by someone else.   If having time at home is difficult, consider renting a hotel room for a couple of hours.   Or perhaps you can grab an hour or two at home while the kids are at school? Create time every week. You will establish this habit the same way you establish other habits. The more you stick to it, the easier it becomes to find the time.

Lack of space is the second reason couples cite for letting their sex lives become routine. Often this refers to the lack of private space available to explore. Sometimes this refers to a lack of safe emotional space to explore.

In order to feel emotionally safe, we need to know that we will be heard and not rejected as a result of what we disclose. This can be very challenging. Think of a time when someone told you something that you found strange. Did you laugh or show your feelings on your face? Often people laugh when confronted with things that they find strange, frightening, or upsetting. If you laugh when your partner discloses a desire, this can be taken for rejection and make it far less likely that your partner will disclose a desire again.

The first step in creating emotional safe space is to practice hearing without reacting.   Start practicing by reading dialogue from a book. The person who is practicing listening will place all of her attention on her partner. The partner will then read short dialogue from a book in which someone is disclosing something that might provoke an emotional reaction. For example: “Fuck me, feed me, or get out” or “I hope you’re ready to play the game you started”. It is the listener’s job to stay focused and not react emotionally.   If you react emotionally, take a brief break and discuss what it was that caused the reaction.  Once you are both able to keep focused and not react to the words of a stranger, you can practice with your own words. Keep things light hearted until you both feel secure that you can handle any intense feelings that arise together. End practice when you have accomplished something positive.

Next week we will look at role play as way to make sex incendiary.

As always, I look forward to your comments below.

Light Your Fire!

Do you wish your relationships could be as full of fire as they were when you were younger?  Or was your sex life never as smoking as you wanted it to be?  This month we look at five easy ways to bring back the blaze. If you want a lasting relationship, good sex is essential.

For sexual relationships, imagination provides fuel.  The biggest cause of sexual boredom is not knowing your partner ‘too well’.  The biggest cause is getting stuck in a routine – the same activities in the same place in the same order on the same day and so on.

1 Fires Need Fuel

  1. To provide fuel, start by looking at your favourite fantasies.    Notice the elements that really turn you on.  Is it something about the activity?  Are you doing something with your partner that you don’t do in reality?  Is it something about the environment?  Are you in a place where you might get discovered?  Is there a story being told?  Perhaps you are a pirate and capturing a maiden and holding her for ransom.
  2. Next remember any stellar sexual experiences from your past.  Is there something you want to repeat?  Is there something you can build on?
  3. Have a look at some erotica.  You can watch movies, look at images or bring out that favourite book.  Reading to each other can really increase the heat!
  4. If you are collecting ideas on your own, be sure to make a note of them.  You might put them in order from most exciting to least exciting so you are ready to talk about them with your partner.  If you are collecting them together, pick one or two to talk about in more detail, and keep a note of the others for later discussion.

In order to spice things up, the first step is to find new ideas.  This can be almost as much fun as putting the ideas into action.  There are many places you can look for inspiration.  The only limit is your imagination!

Stay tuned for the next way to bring back that blaze.  Or if you want a plethora of ideas and strategies, join me for the A to Z of Sex workshop, details of the next one can be found below.

Please comment below!

until next time when we will look at creating the space for sex…

Light Your Fire!