How Erotic Love Making Can Bring the Heat Back to Your Relationship

Rough sex has become more and more trendy over the past five to ten years.  There’s been lots of emphasis on spicing things up in a relationship by become rougher, trying things like spanking and flogging, and engaging in power exchange.  Rough sex can be really hot and can certainly spice up your relationship but it is not the only way to do so.     Erotic love making is another approach.

The hottest, most exciting and most enduring sexual relationships include a good variety of approaches to sex.

Erotic love making is one that isn’t often talked about.  Perhaps this is because people feel that being erotic is easy and that other approaches are more foreign and so more difficult.  But being truly erotic takes significant skill.  At its heart, erotic lovemaking requires patience, flexibility, connection, focus and the ability to be fully present (mindful) during love making.

Let’s start with a definition of love making.

The distinction between love making and sex is important.  Love making involves mutuality.  The idea is that both of you are fully involved and gaining pleasure from the physicality.  Sex isn’t driven by mutuality.  There may be some but the driving force is more selfishly focused.  In love making, the divide between the self and the other dissolves, if only temporarily.  Two become one.  In sex, this divide continues to exist.  Erotic love making looks at uniting where sex does not necessarily.  Sex can look more at objectifying or possessing.

Erotic Love Making

I am not denigrating the value, importance and sheer pleasure of sex.

I am making a distinction between love making and sex and suggesting that it is wonderful to be able to enjoy both.  In love making you surrender yourself to the other and get lost in each other. It is reciprocal.  In sex, you might surrender or you might take control.

Erotic is defined as sensual, seeking to arouse sexual desire and pleasure.

Erotic love making in this context is love making that is ignited slowly from the sensual, seeking to arouse further desire and pleasure until full desire blossoms.    With erotic love making, physical and emotional intimacy combine until you no longer feel separate.  Energy moves back and forth between you until you no longer know where you end and your lover begins.  For some, this experience becomes a spiritual one.  Others focus on the emotional aspects and talk about how close this type of love making causes them to feel with their partner and still others focus on the raw physicality, the amazing sexual pleasure.

Robert lay next to Annie waiting for his breath to return to normal.  After a few minutes, he fell asleep.  Annie sighed, got out of bed and headed for the loo.   When she got back to bed, she took out her favourite clitoral stimulator, fired it up until she was alight with pleasure.  She was so engrossed in her orgasm she didn’t notice Robert had woken up.  In the morning, Robert brought her coffee in bed and said, ‘I woke up when you were playing with yourself last night.  I know I get off quickly, but I didn’t realise that I left you hanging.’  Annie started to tell him it was no big deal and then stopped.  ‘You did.  I enjoy sex with you but you don’t often last long enough for me to come.’  She looked away quickly, expecting Robert to be angry.  When he didn’t shout, she looked back and noticed how sad he looked.  ‘I’m sorry Annie.  I’ll see if there is anything I can do to slow down.’  Robert telephoned for coaching the following day.

There are as many ways to engage in erotic love making as there are people.

Approaches and styles differ but the end results are the same: intensely delicious love making.     The best erotic love making includes some common elements.  Mastering these elements will create all-consuming, distance dissolving intimacy.

  • Know Yourself.

  • I say this a lot when talking about creating great sex.    The better you know yourself, the easier it is to connect sexual with your lover and make sure that both of you are fully, deliciously satisfied.    If you have sexual problems or issues, attend to these.  Learn what really turns you on, what kind of touch you like, where your limits are.  Robert did some research and decided to study Mantak Chia’s methods of orgasm control.  He found these methods worked well for him and he was able to use these methods along with sex & intimacy coaching to resolve the issues that caused his pre-mature ejaculation and to create new skills that allowed him to fully connect with Annie.
  • Create protected time and space.

  • Erotic love making requires plenty of time and a safe comfortable appealing space.   This is not a time to multi-task.  Turn off the phone, the email, unhook and unplug.   Put a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door.  Make sure the kids are looked after by family, friends or a baby sitter.  Lock the door.  Do what you need to do so that you won’t be interrupted.  If being at home is too tempting, check into a hotel or a b&b or head to the woods with your tent or to an RV/motorhome/caravan site.   Lots of people find it hard to unplug completely when they are at home.  You can change this but it is a hard habit to break so it is worth starting away from home.   Once you have created some positive habits, it will be easier to squash the negative ones at home.    Making the space appealing can be as simple as tidying up the bedroom and as complex as using special sheets (silk perhaps), scented candles, your favourite grooves.
  • Erotic Love Making
  • Start with seduction.

  • There is nothing like a slow seduction.  Take your time, appeal to all of your lover’s senses, start with light touch and move to firmer touch.  Try an old fashioned strip tease.  (No seriously – here is an old fashioned one.) Pay attention to how the heat is building between you both.Erotic Love Making
  • Observe closely until you can no longer do so.

  • The more you observe, the more you will notice the things you do that work the best, the things that impact your lover the most.  Do this until you can no longer concentrate because you are so immersed in your feelings and sensations.
  • Approach and retreat from orgasm in order to build the intensity.

  • As you move towards orgasm, back off a bit and then build again.  Do this until you can no longer stand it and have to surrender to the orgasm.

Erotic love making will rekindle even the most banked flames between you.  It is a wonderful way to renew your sexual connection and develop and deepen intimacy.  Interest in learning more?  Email me or book a free 30 minute discovery session with me.

By popular demand, here is a re-issue of my April 2017 interview with Cooper S Becket about non-monogamy and bisexual men.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy. you might wish to put on your headphones.

Joining me today is Cooper Beckett.

Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.

We started by talking about swinging and spoke about the swinging culture in the late 70’s early 80’s and how that went underground after the AIDS crisis began.  Cooper talked about the new renaissance that has existed since the internet has boomed and how much easier it is for people to find each other.  We spoke about the normative swingers – heterosexual male and a bisexual or bicurious female.  Cooper talked about how much more he has enjoyed having parties that are sex parties instead of swinging parties where there is a larger cross-section of the non-monogamous community.

We spoke about the invisibility of the bisexual male and Cooper talked about the fear that heterosexual males demonstrate when confronted with male bisexuality but also about the attitude from some of the gay community that there is no such thing as bisexuality.  I agreed that this was also my experience and both of us spoke about the importance of identifying loudly as bisexual to educate others about bi-invisibility.  Cooper spoke about the prevalence of people who are ‘broken’ in some way in alternative communities and made it clear that he wasn’t talking damaged.

The example he used was the larger number of people with chronic illness who are seen in these communities and he suggested that people who have chronic illness look for things to make them feel less miserable and so explore more.  We spoke about how research in this area would be fascinating and he spoke about the need for research on prostate orgasm (as there is a suggestion of a correlation between regular prostate stimulation and lower levels of prostate cancer) but that there is no research money for any research on sexuality.

Cooper’s book, Approaching the Swingularity has just been released.  Click the link to purchase from his site http://www.coopersbeckett.com.  (Though it can also be purchased on Amazon.  As he is an independent publisher, purchases from his site give him more of the price so please consider purchasing directly).  You can also find him on twitter @coopersbeckett.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  Are you ready to find out what turns you on?  If so, take the test! https://the-intimacy-coach.com and press the button that says ‘Take the Test’.  I look forward to seeing you next week with a new sex love story about polyamory and marriage.

They’ve been talking about how cool they find the idea of inviting someone else into your bed for a while now but you never really took them seriously until they handed you a copy of ‘The Ethical Slut’ to read. Is your parner polyamorous?  Now you are completely freaked out that they will want to bring some other woman or man into your bed and might even want to have a relationship with that new person as well as with you.

You always took your monogamy for granted.  You felt safe because you knew that you were settled in a good stable monogamous relationship.  OK so maybe sex wasn’t as much fun anymore and maybe you didn’t have sex all that often.  But you get along well most of the time and you are happy with your life together.   The idea of adding another person and being polyamorous is petrifying.

Maybe the idea of having more than one partner appealed to you in the past or maybe it even appeals to you now, but as soon as they bring it up as something you might actually do, you freeze.   Sit down.  Take a deep breath and don’t panic. Many of the people I have helped had the same reaction you are having.

Here’s what you need to do to figure out how you really feel about the possibility of a polyamorous partnership:

1. Educate yourself about polyamorous relationships

Non-monogamy comes in many forms from monogamish where you are monogamous except for one particular thing (like kissing one person or inviting one person to come play with you once a year on their birthday) to polyamorous where you have multiple romantic, sexual and emotional relationships to polygamy where there is one husband and many wives (or one wife and many husbands).

There are a couple of books that I recommend: The Ethical Slut, Re-Writing the Rules.  Read my other blogs on the subject.   Listen to my podcasts (1, 2, 3, 4) on polyamory and to my series of podcasts called sex love stories for some individual stories about non-monogamy in all of its different forms.

2. Journal

To make the best use of your education, start a journal.   Take notes about what you are learning.    Pay attention to your feelings as you are reading and listening and learning.  Are you interested?  Excited? Worried? More freaked out?    Write all of this down.

polyamorous

3. Own your feelings and work on them

If you are feeling angry, then own this.  If you don’t acknowledge your anger, it will play out in passive-aggressive ways that destroy relationships.  If you are able, try to figure out exactly where your anger comes from.  Anger often comes from fear.  If this is where your anger is coming from, what information do you need to allay your fear?  It might be re-assurance that your partner still fancies you.

It might be clear information about what your partner is actually proposing. You might be feeling jealous, frightened, sad or a whole host of things.  If you don’t have a regular way of soothing yourself and working through your feelings, now would be a good time to do some individual coaching to help you work through the feelings but also to teach you some practical skills to help you work through emotions as they arise in the future.

polyamorous

4. Once you have worked through some feelings, decide if this is a deal breaker for you

If you are unwilling to even consider opening up your relationship in any way, it is important for you to acknowledge this so that you can discuss it with your partner. Some people decide to become monogamous in a polyamorous relationship. If you are really good at communicating and able to own and manage your own feelings (especially jealousy and anger), then this is an excellent option.  The clearer you are on your own needs and limits, the easier it will be to talk with your partner about all the options.

If you are having difficulty thinking things through on your own or talking them through with a friend who can be neutral, this is also a time to speak with a coach or therapist so that you can clarify your own needs and limits.  It is best to speak with someone who is poly friendly so that the whole range of options is easily open to you.

 

5. Have a conversation with your partner to find out exactly what they are proposing. Polyamorous? Swinging? Something else?

Ask what triggered this desire now and be prepared to hear any answer.  Before the conversation starts, create a safe space by making sure you have plenty of time to talk and that no one will interrupt.   Make it a non-judgemental space and manage your emotions even if something they say is upsetting to you.  If you want them to talk honestly to you, you have to be willing to truly listen.

 

Consider recording the conversation (with an agreement of course).  Taking notes is often really difficult during an emotional conversation.  You are recording so that you can both make sure to catch any ideas you have about moving forward in a positive manner.  If you have never been able to talk about difficult subjects well or if you never manage to resolve any issues together, this is not the issue to try to start on alone.

Agree to go see a poly-friendly sex and relationship therappolyamorousist or sex and relationship coach together and start the dialogue there.  Having someone who can help you to stop and reflect instead of ending up in the same negative communication loop is invaluable when you are looking at making major changes in your relationship.   Make sure you are seeing someone who knows about non-monogamy who can bust the myths and provide you with good solid information.

After you have had your freak out, breathe deep and start working your way through the steps above until you reach clarity.  Whatever you decide – polyamorous or monogamous, this relationship or your future relationships will ultimately be much richer and more exciting as a result of the emotional work that you do.

As you work your way through this challenge, remember you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re worried that your relationship is in jeopardy and you’re unsure how to explore polyamory or to how to talk to your partner about your true feelings, I can help you. Over the past 30 years, I have worked with hundreds of couples in this same boat. Some choose to explore polyamory with their partner, others don’t. The choice is yours. Let me help you by booking a free session with me so we can talk about the best steps for you and your relationship.

Happy exploring!

We experience shame when we cannot own something we have thought, felt, or done or some part of ourselves. Guilt can be appropriate when we have done something we know is wrong and harmed ourselves and/or others. It serves the purpose of getting us to look at the wrong and highlighting the wrong so that we can make amends, change our behaviour.

For most kinky sex and BDSM beginning bottoms, pain is not an instant turn on.  You may have read plenty of articles waxing lyrical about how hot pain is and how many stratospheric orgasms you can have if the beating is just right… but the first time that hand, paddle or flogger comes down on your ass all you feel is ‘ouch’. Most of the time, no one teaches you about turning pain into pleasure. Consequently, the fear of the ouch, causes many people rule any pain out.

Jane was one of those people.  She started by saying ‘I don’t do pain’ and told the tops she was playing with and the dominants she was starting relationships this each time.  Because she was a submissive, she was willing to take some pain and discomfort in order to please her dominant. Then she met Aaron.  Aaron was a tall drink of water, about 6 foot 2 and slender.  He had a rich deep voice and soulful brown eyes with long lashes.  She thought she would do anything to listen to him for a bit longer.  Aaron and Jane agreed to use ‘red’ as a safeword.  But he asked Jane to trust him and use ‘yellow’ to tell him that she was close to calling telling him it was too much and give him a chance to push her a bit more.   They negotiated a spanking.  Jane had never managed to last more than a couple of minutes in a spanking before calling safe.    Aaron started slow, with lighter spanks all over her bottom.  Jane felt her body heating up.  She was turned on already.

Sweet Spot Spanking

Aaron knew the first rule of turning pain into pleasure: Start slow.

Starting slowly to give your body time to warm up and then to heat up.  As you get excited, your body will begin to release all the chemicals that make you sing.  If you are a bit frightened, your body will release some adrenalin too which will add to the intensity. Once Aaron could see that Jane was enjoying herself, he increased the intensity of his spanks but not the speed.  Now the pain began to bite in just a bit.

 

Aaron talked Jane through the bite with the second rule of turning pain into pleasure: Breathe into the pain.

Pulling away from pain intensifies the negative sensation.  Breathing into it allows it to wash over you and transform.  This can take some practice.    Most of the time people hold their breath when something painful is going on.  Unfortunately, all this does is intensify the pain and make the experience longer.   Deep breathing helps you to relax your muscles.   Deep breathing doesn’t make the pain go away, it changes the way we perceive pain which is how we can change pain into pleasure.  Deep breathing techniques can be found in many places.  Here’s one that I like which is combined with meditation and mindfulness.  Practicing these techniques when you are not experiencing pain will help you use them when you are experiencing pain.

 

Aaron began to spank Jane harder and focused on the ‘sweet spot’ lifting her bottom up with each spank.  This brought into play the third rule: Focus on the places where there is already likely to be a mix of nerve signals for pleasure and pain.  The sweet spot is the bottom of the bum rolling into the top of the thigh.  The pain and pleasure signals here can become more easily crossed.   To Jane’s surprise, her heat had increased.   The theory is that this area is fed by the same nerve group that feeds the genitals and this is why the sensations mix more easily.

 

Aaron ran his hands all over her body, stroking her nipples, lightly using his nails.   This is the fourth rule to turn ouch into ooooo: Vary the touch to include arousing sensual touch.  Varying the strokes during a spanking or a beating will quickly increase the level of arousal.   The higher the level of arousal the more quickly ouch moves to ooo.

Aaron pressed into Jane and she could feel his erection.  She let out a deep moan.  He whispered in her ear ’Take 10 more for me and we will count them.   The last 5 will be the hardest’.  Jane agreed and got ready to count.

Ouch to Oooo

The fifth rule of moving ouch to ooo: Prepare the person for the ‘worst’ of the pain and let them know how much more they need to bear.  By doing this, the bottom feels a great sense of accomplishment when they make it to the end of the spanking.   By this point, endorphins should be flooding their bodies making the ouch feel delicious.

A few more tips for turning pain into pleasure:

Rhythm is important:  Pain is easier to manage when there is a good rhythm.  When strikes are haphazard and the person receiving the strikes cannot sink into a rhythm, it is harder to manage the pain and the pain can feel more intense.

Pain perception changes depending on the day.  Our pain perception changes as our emotions do.  Some days physical pain is more intense than others.  Women who have their pubic hair waxed can attest to this – just before a period pain can increase intensely.  Emotional stress can also change pain perception.

Pain perception is different depending upon the body part. 

Anyone who has tattoos knows this is true.  Pain is more intense in areas of the body with more nerve endings.

Most people find certain types of pain easier than others.   Thud feels really different from sting and most people have at least a minor preference.  Trying out different types of pain will help you to determine what works best for you.

Jane’s relationship with Aaron only lasted a few months but those few months changed her life.  Now when a new partner asks her if she enjoys pain, Jane purrs ‘yessss’.

Any questions for your relationship about keys for turning pain into pleasure? Email me drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.    Check out all of the fantastic articles on this blogfest #kinkysextips https://vivayourrevolution.com/kinky-sex-tips-blogfest17/