How Erotic Love Making Can Bring the Heat Back to Your Relationship
Rough sex has become more and more trendy over the past five to ten years. There’s been lots of emphasis on spicing things up in a relationship by become rougher, trying things like spanking and flogging, and engaging in power exchange. Rough sex can be really hot and can certainly spice up your relationship but it is not the only way to do so. Erotic love making is another approach.
The hottest, most exciting and most enduring sexual relationships include a good variety of approaches to sex.
Erotic love making is one that isn’t often talked about. Perhaps this is because people feel that being erotic is easy and that other approaches are more foreign and so more difficult. But being truly erotic takes significant skill. At its heart, erotic lovemaking requires patience, flexibility, connection, focus and the ability to be fully present (mindful) during love making.
Let’s start with a definition of love making.
The distinction between love making and sex is important. Love making involves mutuality. The idea is that both of you are fully involved and gaining pleasure from the physicality. Sex isn’t driven by mutuality. There may be some but the driving force is more selfishly focused. In love making, the divide between the self and the other dissolves, if only temporarily. Two become one. In sex, this divide continues to exist. Erotic love making looks at uniting where sex does not necessarily. Sex can look more at objectifying or possessing.
I am not denigrating the value, importance and sheer pleasure of sex.
I am making a distinction between love making and sex and suggesting that it is wonderful to be able to enjoy both. In love making you surrender yourself to the other and get lost in each other. It is reciprocal. In sex, you might surrender or you might take control.
Erotic is defined as sensual, seeking to arouse sexual desire and pleasure.
Erotic love making in this context is love making that is ignited slowly from the sensual, seeking to arouse further desire and pleasure until full desire blossoms. With erotic love making, physical and emotional intimacy combine until you no longer feel separate. Energy moves back and forth between you until you no longer know where you end and your lover begins. For some, this experience becomes a spiritual one. Others focus on the emotional aspects and talk about how close this type of love making causes them to feel with their partner and still others focus on the raw physicality, the amazing sexual pleasure.
Robert lay next to Annie waiting for his breath to return to normal. After a few minutes, he fell asleep. Annie sighed, got out of bed and headed for the loo. When she got back to bed, she took out her favourite clitoral stimulator, fired it up until she was alight with pleasure. She was so engrossed in her orgasm she didn’t notice Robert had woken up. In the morning, Robert brought her coffee in bed and said, ‘I woke up when you were playing with yourself last night. I know I get off quickly, but I didn’t realise that I left you hanging.’ Annie started to tell him it was no big deal and then stopped. ‘You did. I enjoy sex with you but you don’t often last long enough for me to come.’ She looked away quickly, expecting Robert to be angry. When he didn’t shout, she looked back and noticed how sad he looked. ‘I’m sorry Annie. I’ll see if there is anything I can do to slow down.’ Robert telephoned for coaching the following day.
There are as many ways to engage in erotic love making as there are people.
Approaches and styles differ but the end results are the same: intensely delicious love making. The best erotic love making includes some common elements. Mastering these elements will create all-consuming, distance dissolving intimacy.
- I say this a lot when talking about creating great sex. The better you know yourself, the easier it is to connect sexual with your lover and make sure that both of you are fully, deliciously satisfied. If you have sexual problems or issues, attend to these. Learn what really turns you on, what kind of touch you like, where your limits are. Robert did some research and decided to study Mantak Chia’s methods of orgasm control. He found these methods worked well for him and he was able to use these methods along with sex & intimacy coaching to resolve the issues that caused his pre-mature ejaculation and to create new skills that allowed him to fully connect with Annie.
Create protected time and space.
- Erotic love making requires plenty of time and a safe comfortable appealing space. This is not a time to multi-task. Turn off the phone, the email, unhook and unplug. Put a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door. Make sure the kids are looked after by family, friends or a baby sitter. Lock the door. Do what you need to do so that you won’t be interrupted. If being at home is too tempting, check into a hotel or a b&b or head to the woods with your tent or to an RV/motorhome/caravan site. Lots of people find it hard to unplug completely when they are at home. You can change this but it is a hard habit to break so it is worth starting away from home. Once you have created some positive habits, it will be easier to squash the negative ones at home. Making the space appealing can be as simple as tidying up the bedroom and as complex as using special sheets (silk perhaps), scented candles, your favourite grooves.
Start with seduction.
- There is nothing like a slow seduction. Take your time, appeal to all of your lover’s senses, start with light touch and move to firmer touch. Try an old fashioned strip tease. (No seriously – here is an old fashioned one.) Pay attention to how the heat is building between you both.
Observe closely until you can no longer do so.
- The more you observe, the more you will notice the things you do that work the best, the things that impact your lover the most. Do this until you can no longer concentrate because you are so immersed in your feelings and sensations.
Approach and retreat from orgasm in order to build the intensity.
- As you move towards orgasm, back off a bit and then build again. Do this until you can no longer stand it and have to surrender to the orgasm.
Erotic love making will rekindle even the most banked flames between you. It is a wonderful way to renew your sexual connection and develop and deepen intimacy. Interest in learning more? Email me or book a free 30 minute discovery session with me.