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Orgasms come in so many shapes, sizes, and patterns!

How much do you really know about orgasms? I personally had painfully little knowledge when I started having sex with others.

The first orgasm I remember happened when I masturbated by rubbing against my teddy bear when I was 5 or 6. For years I could only reach orgasm during masturbation, on my stomach, rubbing against something pressed between my legs.

This wasn’t really useful when it came to having an orgasm with a partner. My first consensual sexual experiences were delicious, but orgasm was not a part of them. It wasn’t until I was in graduate school that I had regular orgasms with a partner.

For years I thought there was something wrong with me. However, I now know that there was not.

Up to 37% of women either are unable to have an orgasm or have extreme difficulty having an orgasm.

Read that statement again. I know that when I first saw that figure, I was floored.

To find out about the three main types of problem that women have with orgasms, head over to read the full post on Yourtango.com.

In order to have an orgasm, you have to let go of control.

You cannot control an orgasm and that is one of the joys of the experience. Your partner doesn’t cause your orgasm. You are the one in control so you have to relax and let your body, mind, soul and heart respond to the stimulation, touch, love that you are experiencing.

If you have trouble relaxing, try releasing some of the pressure. If you don’t reach orgasm, you haven’t failed. Just enjoy the experience you are having.

If you practice meditation, this is a good time to employ your strategies to quiet your mind. Allow your breathing to deepen. Focus on one sensation only — that point where your bodies are connecting, the smell of her, the taste of his lips. Breathe into the sensation and just enjoy.

Kegel exercises do lead to better orgasms. It appears that the stronger your pelvic floor muscles are, the better your orgasms are likely to be.

It takes an average of about 20 minutes of stimulation for women to reach orgasm. Some women are able to reach orgasm within 30 seconds of self-stimulation, but this is unusual. Keep in mind that stimulation doesn’t only mean physical stimulation, but includes mental stimulation as well. Orgasms last on average 18 – 22 seconds.

It is interesting to note that four pairs of nerves are involved in the orgasm process for women. 

These nerves all take information back to the brain and provide differing sensations and types of orgasm. This is one reason why all orgasms don’t feel a like. If you stimulate all four pairs of nerves, the ‘blended’ orgasm will be far more intense than an orgasm that is the result of stimulating one pair of nerves. Three of the pair of nerves first transmit information to the spinal cord which is then sent to the brain. The vagus nerve transmits straight to the brain — which means even women with complete spinal cord bisection can experience orgasm if this pair of nerves is stimulated.

There are so many ways for us to get off!

Many women ask how often they should be having orgasms, and if their current frequency is “normal.”

When I was in my first, sexless marriage, I thought I was the only married woman who was having no sex at all. Even the clients I was seeing reported having sex at least monthly. When I finally plucked up the courage to talk to a friend, I found out that I was not alone.

In my practice, I see that rhythms vary over time, mainly related to health, stress levels, how relationships are going, and whether or not a woman is single. One thing I can clearly say is that when in a relationship, more sex and more orgasms are definitely better.

More orgasms increase emotional intimacy, as well as positive feelings about your mate, your relationship, yourself — and often the whole of your life.

The good news is that research suggests a clear relationship between the age of the person and the likelihood of experiencing orgasm when having sex.

This means it isn’t too late to get yourself into your maximum orgasmic prime!

Here is a look at just some of the various and wonderful ways women can orgasm:

  1. Some women can have orgasms through fantasizing alone.

You can have an orgasm without having your clitoris or your vagina touched at all, as the brain is one of the most important erogenous zones.

  1. Some women have orgasms from having their nipples or anus stimulated.

You might have another particular spot on your body or activity that causes you reach orgasm or at least come very close.

  1. Some women learn to ‘come on command.’

In these scenarios, a woman will come as soon as her partner says, “Come now!” This is actually not difficult to learn, as it is simply a matter of conditioning.

The same way that Pavlov’s dogs learned to salivate at the sound of a bell, we can learn to come at the sound of our lover’s voice. Since orgasm is a more complex response, it is likely to take more trials before the association is made, but eventually, the association will be created.

  1. Some women can ejaculate when they have an orgasm.

The fluid they release comes from the urethra, but is not urine. It may feel like there is a lot but in reality it is only usually about a teaspoon of fluid. It is sweet tasting as it is made of lots of glucose, as well as an enzyme called prostatic acid phosphatase.

Though it is not universal for a woman to ejaculate (also known as “squirting”), it is more common that was previously thought, and is perfectly normal. Women who do this routinely report that it feels extremely pleasurable.

There is some research that suggests that G-spot stimulation is more likely to lead to female ejaculation, although many women report that clitoral stimulation will lead to ejaculation as well.

  1. Both men and women can have multiple orgasms.

It’s really all about timing. Men who learn not to ejaculate when they have an orgasm can have multiple orgasms before finally ejaculating. When men do ejaculate, they usual feeling overwhelmingly sleepy. This is a physiological response and therefore difficult for them to resist.

Hence my advice to women who are having sex with men — make sure you attend to your satisfaction first and then look to his, or you may find that you are left to finish yourself off.

Because they think that this means they might get to indulge in two of the most common male fantasies:  Watching two women getting hot and sexual together and having a threesome with two women.

It’s the fantasy that most men bring up as soon as they find out I am bisexual.   Question 1 is usually ‘Do you have a bisexual girlfriend?’.  Question 2 is ‘Will you bring her to bed with us?’.  If the answer to 1 or 2 is no, the next question is still ‘Can I watch?’ or ‘Will you tell me about what you do together?’

I had a look to see if there is any science to explain why this might be and I was not able to find any research.  There is plenty of research that places the fantasy of sex with two women together ranking in the top fantasies of men.    But nothing about what they find so exciting.  So I decided to do a bit of research of my own.  So far, this is only an informal poll but I may do a more scientific survey soon.

So here’s what I found out talking with a small number of sexually adventurous men from the US and the UK between the ages of 30 and 70:

I asked what makes bisexual women so attractive to them.  Here’s what some of them said:

Author Shakir Rashan replied ‘The fact that they enjoy the female form as much, if not more than I do. Being married to a bisexual woman, to have her react to a woman I am attracted to without feeling like I am taking away from her is an aphrodisiac like no other’.  Two men said that it was the fact that they are comfortable being with men and women and feel happy being who they are.    All the men spoke of these women as ultra-feminine in part because they appreciate women.  All the men who responded to the survey find two women having sex with each other exciting.  One man replied that by watching women together he has learned how to better please a woman.

I asked about experience with threesomes.  In my sample, all but one respondent had experienced a threesome.  The final respondent replied that he enjoys watching but does not prefer to have sex with more than one person at a time.    Of the men who had experience with threesomes, all of them enjoyed the experience when everyone was into everyone else.   They all mentioned the ‘dreaded pillow princess’.  In threesomes, pillow princesses always want to be the centre of attention.  The men I interviewed said that this changed the energy in a negative way.

I asked about unicorns.  In the polyamory and swinging worlds, a unicorn is a bisexual woman who likes to have sexual relationships with couples or who will bond with a couple and be monogamous with that couple.    The unicorn is as opposed to the straight or heteroflexible woman who approaches the couple because she wants to be with the man and she thinks by doing this, the man will look favourably upon her.  All the men I spoke to enjoyed unicorns when they could find them and preferred to avoid straight women who approached them when they were in a couple.

All of the men said they enjoy watching women together.  One said ‘One woman is beautiful, two women equals twice the beauty and sexiness’.   Even the men who have had lots of experience with two women rated this high on their fantasy hit parade and said that they still watch woman on woman pornography.

A few of the men made it very clear that they did not like to watch women play with strap on’s with each other.  They emphasised that the women need to be ‘very feminine’ for them to be interested watching them together.  A few of the men said they really enjoyed the opportunity to direct the action between the women.  Others liked either the pure voyeur experience or being completely involved in the action.

Here are a few tips to really heat your man up that I got from doing this survey:

  1. Invite another woman along to put on a show. Make sure it is someone who you are really into and who is really into you.
  2. Tell your man a detailed story about you and another woman and what the two of you would do to each other and to him if given the chance. Pick out a movie that has a good threesome in it and watch it with him, all the while whispering to him what you would like to do.
  3. Get a girlfriend to join you and do to her all the things you wish your man would do to you. Make sure he is watching closely…

Finally, if you are single, consider being a unicorn at least once!  But don’t be a pillow princess.  Shower the couple with all of your attention.  Show them how much you desire both of them and then enjoy!

If you’re curious about bisexual women, bisexuality, kink or other alternative sexual lifestyles, I can help and here’s how. Reach out here for individual coaching. You can also listen to my Sex Spoken Here podcast. Or connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, email, Yourtango.