space
  1. Creating the Space for Sex: Creating the Fire pit

Last week we talked about the need for fuel in order to build a fire and keep it ablaze. I gave you some ways to try to spark your imagination. This week, we look at how we create the space in our lives, environments and relationships for a sexual bonfire.

Lack of time is the biggest reason couples cite for letting their sex lives become routine. Life is so busy that creating time for intimacy can seem an insurmountable task.

To create time, start by comparing diaries and blocking time out for intimacy. This feels artificial and often people complain that sex should always be spontaneous. In the modern world, spontaneity is far more difficult. If setting a whole evening aside seems too daunting, start with an hour or two.

Make sure that there is a private space available. Make sure that either the children are well asleep or better yet, cared for by someone else.   If having time at home is difficult, consider renting a hotel room for a couple of hours.   Or perhaps you can grab an hour or two at home while the kids are at school? Create time every week. You will establish this habit the same way you establish other habits. The more you stick to it, the easier it becomes to find the time.

Lack of space is the second reason couples cite for letting their sex lives become routine. Often this refers to the lack of private space available to explore. Sometimes this refers to a lack of safe emotional space to explore.

In order to feel emotionally safe, we need to know that we will be heard and not rejected as a result of what we disclose. This can be very challenging. Think of a time when someone told you something that you found strange. Did you laugh or show your feelings on your face? Often people laugh when confronted with things that they find strange, frightening, or upsetting. If you laugh when your partner discloses a desire, this can be taken for rejection and make it far less likely that your partner will disclose a desire again.

The first step in creating emotional safe space is to practice hearing without reacting.   Start practicing by reading dialogue from a book. The person who is practicing listening will place all of her attention on her partner. The partner will then read short dialogue from a book in which someone is disclosing something that might provoke an emotional reaction. For example: “Fuck me, feed me, or get out” or “I hope you’re ready to play the game you started”. It is the listener’s job to stay focused and not react emotionally.   If you react emotionally, take a brief break and discuss what it was that caused the reaction.  Once you are both able to keep focused and not react to the words of a stranger, you can practice with your own words. Keep things light hearted until you both feel secure that you can handle any intense feelings that arise together. End practice when you have accomplished something positive.

Next week we will look at role play as way to make sex incendiary.

As always, I look forward to your comments below.

Light Your Fire!

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