Dr Lori Beth Bisbey

Do you stop yourself from fantasizing? Are you worried that there is something wrong with you because of the things that make you hot? Here are three myths that keep us from enjoying our sexual imaginations.

Myth Number 1: If you fantasize about something it means you want to do it in reality.

The ground-breaking work from the Kinsey Institute in the 50’s and 60’s found that 69% of women and 84% of men had sexual fantasies. Some of these were of usual activities, some had full stories and others were just fleeting images.

Further research and clinical experience highlights the wide variety of subjects for fantasies and that almost everyone has fantasies.

If something turns you on, it does not mean that you want to act on these feelings or even that it would be good for you to act on your feelings. Lots of things turn us on that would not be practical in reality. Most adults have a fantasy about a famous person and many of us more than one famous person! The likelihood of making that fantasy a reality is not high unless you travel in the same circles as your desired sexual playmate. Many of us fantasize about people we work with but think better about jeopardizing our employment by having a sexual encounter with the boss or with a co-worker.

Sometimes our favourite fantasies lose their turn on power if we bring them into reality. Most people have a few staple fantasies that are guaranteed to bring them close to orgasm.   If a fantasy isn’t as exciting when you try to recreate it in ‘real life’ then it can lose its erotic power. If the fantasy has been one that you have had since you were a teenager, this can feel disorienting. Sometimes it can cause a person to call into question key aspects of his sexuality. The moral of this tale: Some things should stay a fantasy.

Myth Number 2: Fantasies mean that you are unhappy with your relationship.

This is related to the idea that people in relationships don’t masturbate unless they are unhappy. Both are completely false. Fantasy is a place to relax, to try out ideas and to start to explore.   Most adults fantasize just as most adults masturbate.  In fact, sharing your fantasies with your partner is one of the ways to add fire to your relationship. If you feel awkward about sharing your fantasies directly, find some erotica that tells the same story and read it aloud to your partner. If you feel awkward reading aloud, leave the book on her pillow.

Myth Number 3: You can find your ‘true’ sexual orientation or your ‘true’ gender identity by examining your fantasies.

This is usually false. Kinsey and later research has found a high percentage of people have both same sex and opposite sex fantasies.   You can find new avenues to explore by looking at your fantasies. However, having a fantasy does not equate to your primary sexual orientation or gender orientation.

Fantasy is the place to experiment and rehearse as well as explore.   Fantasy can start the fire on days when it is merely embers. Fantasy can supply excitement when shared with a partner.   Cherish your fantasy life and enjoy the benefits of a healthy imagination.

Next time I will talk about how to have that deep connection with your partner – the kind that makes all your intimate hours smoking hot.

I look forward to hearing about how you feel about fantasy and how you use fantasy in your sexual lives below.

Until next time

Light your fire!

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